Strange adventures of G. Jon
OK, last week was nuts.
I got a call from Mick He broke the awful news that his father had passed away.
He was upset and I really felt bad for him.
He told me he was coming from Boston to Connecticut tomorrow.
I told him that if he wanted, I would drive up there that night. Stay over there and drive him down to CT the next day.
I was on vacation so it was no big deal for me to do. He said that would be great, so off I went.
Now, I have a really bad tire. I mean a really REALLY bad tire.
I was praying that I'd make it up there without incident. I was feeling lucky so off I went.
Almost exactly halfway between my house and Mick's I get a flat tire.
I was hoping that if I get a flat tire it would either be in CT where I know people, or near Mick's place where I could get to his house, and take care of the tire the next day.
I had to get stuck in Worcester (Pronounce Wusta' for some odd fucking reason.)
It was 60 miles from Mick's place. And 65 miles from my house.
I get out and start changing the tire.
A highway guy stops and parks his truck behind me with his lights on, which I thought was pretty nice. He asked if I needed help changing the tire and I told him I was fine.
So I jack up the car, take off the nuts and try to take off the tire.
I try pulling at it with everything I got.
Mr. highway guy steps out and says "hey, I can do dis' for ya' if you want? It'll only cost ya' fifteen bucks and we can bill you."
I say "sounds good" and he goes at it.
He takes out this 4 foot metal rod and goes at it on all different sides. (Settle down girls, it wasn't THAT exciting as I'm making it sound) He went at it for a half an' hour. I knew he was getting serious, because as more time went on, the more butt crack he was willing to show. He was really putting his butt crack into it!
Finally he says to me. "I can't get dat' tire off ya' cah'!" (Mind you, I've hit the point in Massachusettes where the word "car" is impossible to pronounce by the Wusta' natives. ) I'm gonna' have to call ya' a tow.
I thanked him for trying so hard, and although it pained me to think that I would gaze at the glory of all-that-is-his-ass-crack nevermore....we did need to move on.
He calls the tow and then tells me he's gonna' head out.
The tow guy comes, doesn't believe that a tire not secured to a car by lugnuts cannot be removed.
You know, like it's 12:30 AM on a Sunday evening, I'm on my way to my friend's house who's father had just passed away, and I thought I'd pull over on the highway in the rain in Wusta' and play some fucking games.
So, first thing he does is take off the lugnuts again, and tells me to drive a little.
Normally that would of sounded like a dumb idea, but I didn't really care anymore.
I did as I was told, and of coarse the tire does NOT come off.
Then he gets all bad ass on my tire and finally gives up.
I was just leaning against the tow, gigling while he was doing this.
I felt like a wise, old sage. Telling the naysayer about the legend of the immovable tire, and watching as the fool become a believer.
I remeber trying to crack a joke about King Arthur and Excaliber and he responded "Wut' da' fuck you talking about?"
I don't think he reads much.
Then, after surrendering to the power of my flat, fucking tire, he asks me where I want it towed.
I say "I don't know man, I don't even know where I am!"
He says "we're in Wusta'"
He says, why don't you have it towed back to my shop, and we'll get the fuckinging thing off tomorrow morning?"
I say "Fucking OK, you fucking fuck!"
So I get in the truck and he starts talking about this and that with his stupid accent.
"I took my cah' to the bah' that wasn't fah'..... "
Then he feels like sharing some poignant info with me by saying...
"You see dat' rowd' over dere'?"
"Dats' where all da' fags hang out."
"You don't say."
"Yeah, I went down dere' to take a leak dis' one time, and all dese' qweahs' are awl' standin' around wit' dere' shirts awf'."
"Whatever did you do, oh champion of all that is "normal"?
"I fucking took awf'! Dem' qweahs' try to come afta' me and I'll fuckin' hit em' with a fuckin' tire iron!"
"When did this happen?"
"Abowt' 3 yehrs' ago."
"Wow, you sure are hanging onto THAT memory, eh?"
He replied with a blank stare.
God, where do people get these ideas that are so idiotic, and full of hate?
So we get to the station, and I realize that I have nowhere to go.
I don't know anybody that is awake and will come up here to pick me up, and Mike doesn't have a "cah'" so he can't help.
I decided to stay at a motel. I was gonna' ask the eyecandy of a towtruck driver if I could snuggle up with him at his place for the evening, but somehow I don't think he would go for it.
So I spend the night at the most expensive motel that I could find. Luckily I sweet talked the lady behind the counter into giving me the AAA discount even though I don't have AAA. (The music from "Born to be Wild" kicks in)