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Genghis 'Mr Bigman' Jon Cusses out a Dolphin

Now, it's no secret what the Dave Mathews, Starbuck hating, stoner hippies think about the war. They hate it. They hate all violence. You can tell from the looting and riots that ends their demonstrations.

But did you even ask yourself "Gee, I wonder what other mammals think about this war stuff?"

Well wonder no more. Pull out your barf bag and read this in depth explaination on the dolphin stance in regards to war.

In the article, an ambassador for the human race named "Scott" asks "The Dolphin Family" for it's insights on war, and it's guidance for us to have a lasting peace.

Before I continue on....I just want to make it crystal clear that Ambasador Scott is seeking leadership from a fish.

Are we all on the same page here? OK. So Scott ends up getting his ass handed to him after asking that question. I picked out some key phrases that I wish to debate the logic of, with the fish.

This is a proud moment for me. Enjoy.

"From your human mental perspective war is justified and herein lies the problem. You base your justification of what you are doing on your mental belief that in some way war benefits you. As a separate individual it may benefit you in the ways we mentioned but within the context of the whole picture all of life suffers. You suffer, your enemies suffer, the earth suffers, and the earth's species suffers."

What the hell do you mean by 'Human mental perspective'? That's racist!

Flipper continues...

"The problem is that your human intellect believes that you are separate islands of existence that have no connection to each other or to the whole. You must believe this for if you saw your connection to the whole you would stop shooting each other's eyes out because you would see that you are going blind as well.""

Jeez, they sound like the fucking French.

"We do not kill each other because we see ourselves as a species that is connected to one another through the whole.

You don't kill each other because you're too busy balancing a soccer ball on your nose at SeaWorld for our ammusment, you stupid fuck. How many hospitals have you built?

"Do you think that you can kill the earth and still survive? Are you this ignorant?"

Oh no you didn't!

"We have a message for you. The earth will survive but many humans may not."

I have a message for you too. I'm having Non-dolphin friendly tuna for lunch. Sorry Charlie.

"We have a challenge for mankind. End war now. We accept no excuses! If your men can't or won't do it then women must unite to become world leaders with the common cause of ending war now."

A bloody coup instigated by The Dolphin Family. Everybody hide!

"Be the first nation to lay down your firearms and embrace the heart of your enemies. If you are worried that this action would render you defenseless against another nations aggression, then help them to see their connection to the whole by having compassion for their suffering."

"ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH! THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA HAVE DESCIDED TO LISTEN TO THE DOLPHINS AND COMPLETELY DISARM OUR ARSONAL. UNFORTUATELY FOR THEM, WE'RE DUMPING THEM IN THE OCEAN.

"Since we don't human talk you perceive us as less developed and silent about your actions. This is supreme ignorance."

Fuck you!

"We also have much to share with you: our knowledge, our love, our compassion, our joy, our spirit, and our children. Please leave your weapons of war behind and come be with us now? Please, Please, wake up from your sleeping sickness soonóbefore it is too late."

Hear that, hippies? Jump in the ocean and be with your dolphin friends. What a great idea. Wish I thought of that.

Next week, we'll be having a roundtable discussion with representatives of the anchovy, hake, herring, sardines and squid communities, each a regular part of the dolphin diet. They'll be here to discuss what they believe is dolphin hypocracy.

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I'll have you know that the organization known as "The Dolphin Family" doesn't speak for all dolphins.

I want you to meet Dixie; The Dolphin of Mass Destruction.

When Dixie heard about the impending war, he joined the Marines.

Says Dixie "Yeah, when I heard about the atrocities of Saddam's regime, I just knew I had to help. I first thought about joining the Airforce, but thought that might be problematic with my limitations. Then I thought the Marines. You know..."marine" I'm a dolphin....sounded like a good fit!"

When asked about what his duties were, he said "Well, basically they put this laser on my fin here. My job pretty much is to go around and blast anything that looks suspicious. Like if I saw a submarine with an Iraqi flag, there's a good chance I might attack that. Haven't seen too many of those though."

On how he's been accepted with the other Marines, Dixie says it's been great.

"Some of the guys wrote 'Let's Roll' on my belly, and whenever some soldiers are standing near the water or whatever, I swim by and show 'em the sign and they start cheering and suff. That's pretty cool. And because I can't partake in eating any Freedom Fries with them, they jokingly call the fish I eat 'Freedom Fish'. That's fun.

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Off the fish subject, for those who like the rock n' roll musak! I recommend you check out this dude.

He's been a great swapper on Swappingtons with me.

He does some good songs. I like 'em anyways.

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