I realize that I haven't really been writing about myself and what's going on in my life here that much on this blog, and what IS a blog, ladies and gentlemen, it's a web-log. Meaning I should be logging shit in here, not making fun of French people, not discussing 5 headed razor blades. Logging...on the web, let's blog yo.
I find it weird how when people ask me what's going on I say "not much" while I'm in the middle of going through the busiest moment in my life. By the end of this year I'll be married, a step-father to two, a bio-dad to one, and a home owner.
Like my goal for 2004 was to get my body fat percentage to 15ÓThat's what I did then, that was my goal. My free time was spent drinking whey shakes and reading Men's Health. If I just walk by a Men's Health magazine I burst into tears. My body fat percentage now is like 94ÓMy shirt size is "Double-extra gross", it's pathetic. I was also blessed with genes that make me gain weight in my stomach only. I look like a plucked chicken.
But it's probably for the best. I think the most inconsiderate thing I could do is get all lean and muscley while Libby gains a million pounds.
Which brings me to something else: The rules of edicate when dealing with a pregnant lady- guys pay attention.
A) You have to be completely oblivious to the fact that she's gaining weight. Sure, I know, she's pregnant. Logic tells you a pregnant woman gains a few pounds. Somehow famles think this is suppose to slip by you. Here's an example conversation that will get you fucked up.
Her: Look how fat I'm getting You: Yeah, I know.
I know, it's just cruel to state something and then punish someone for agreeing with you. All I'm saying is you better learn to love punishment, motherfucker.
B) Don't try to run from punishment. She's fat, pissed off, has a person kicking her from the inside, and YOU made her that way. Trying to run, or avoid punishment will only wear you down before your verbal beating. Learn to accept the fact that you are an evil person out to get her. I found that there is one saying you can lay on her to minimalize your punishment, here goes...
"I'm sorry I'm satan incarnate. Despite my lies I know there were too many peppers in the pasta dish I made for you. I thought I could lie my way out of it so I could continue my reign of making you miserable but I see it's no use- you're on to me. Being evil obviosly comes natural to me, I can only hope your goodness will rub off on me, it's my only hope. Foot massage?"
C) DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING ON A PREGNANT LADY. I thought it would be a good idea to delay the wedding so we can have time to buy the house, take care of the kids, sell the condo, and (her) go to school.
Let's just say it didn't go over too well.
D) If you remember just one of these tips, remember this. DO NOT, I FUCKING REPEAT, DO-NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE ALONE IN A ROOM WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS!
As any man can tell you women are just one orgamism that has seperated into billions of independant craetures running around. Get nine of them together while one of them is pregnant and you'll see them form into one mega-nagging monster, like a Voltron only pregnant!
I have no idea what goes on when I'm not in the room, but when I am in the room the favorate game to play is "Let's bash Jon, WHEEE!!!!"
How "Let's bash Jon, WHEEE!!!!" is played is that one woman, usually the pregnant one starts off by stating a complaint she has with me. Usually something I really don't want brought up in this company such as "Jon rented Brokeback Moutain last night."
Let me stop here and say something. My girlfriend is a liberal to the core. She strongly believes in equal rights for all, and that includes gays. Her closest friends are gays and lesbians and she actively demonstrates how all peoble deserve to be treated without prejudice.
That said, having her see me walk in with a copy of Brokeback Mountain, and all of a sudden she turns into Rev Phelps.
She's calling me a "homo" and "fag" and this and that. All I wanted to do is see a movie about two gay cowboys, is a crime? Anyways she couldn't wait to bring that up in front of everybody she knows.
So she says "Jon rented Brokeback Mountain last night" And another goes "Oh yeah, I can see him watching that movie" Another "I bet he bought the movie" Another "Bought it,. I heard he stars in it" Another "I heard it was based on his life" United Pregnant Voltron "HAHAHAHAHAHA CACKLE, CACKLE, CACKLE....
And there's nothing you can do besides sit there and take it.(no pun inteded) Of course if you really wanted to you could claim "penis envy" but that'd be overkill. Claiming "penis envy" with lesbians in the room is deadly, see mushroom cloud above.
I really don't want to seem like I'm living in misry. Libby's great and I'm very happy. It's important to know that when your partner is pregnant she'll be diferent from the woman you knew before, and the thing to be focused on is your new bundle of joy that is forthcoming.
...who you can raise to seek revenge on all those that tormented you, MWAHAHAHAHAHA....MWAHHAHAHAHAHAAH....CACKLE CACKLE CACKLE!!!!!