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3 Weeks

I dare you to find me someone more annoying than a guy who quit smoking. You think hanging around a person that smokes is difficult? Try being a helpless addict whose only pleasure in life comes in the form of rolled tobacco in the company of some jerk who just kicked the habit 3 weeks ago.

True fact is nobody is harder on smokers than former smokers. Ask any smoker who they get the most shit from and they’ll always tell you it’s from former smokers.

Non-smokers will just look at you like you have some sort of metal problem – but accept you for who you are. Just as one might ignore some guy walking in the street screaming about whatever people like that scream about. This was always good enough for me. Even though I was on the same level as a certified lunatic, I appreciated them leaving me alone.

Pussies, I mean ex-smokers, don’t have that much courtesy. I have an uncle who smoked for all of 6 months about 30 years ago and anytime I would go near him he’d put on this big production. Waving his arms around, fake coughing, yelling “Ugh you smell like an ashtray, that’s disgusting!”

What an asshole. Doesn’t he know smokers have a problem and can’t help it? Imagine if I went around to retarded people and told them how much they smell? Would that be OK?

Oh, another time when I was working at Borders I had some lady ask me to put out my cigarette. Outside. She even stopped herself from walking into the store, walked over to me, told me I was “smoking in her breathing zone” and said something like “why don’t me make this a area a non-smoking area?”

I forgot what I said back to her. I think I asked her if that ever worked on anybody. I kinda’ laughed. I then told her to beat it before I start masturbating.

Anyways, what I’m trying to get at here is today is my three week anniversary from quitting smoking. In case you’re new, here’s a little back story on me. I’m 31 and have been smoking for 20 years. So, as you might imagine, I want to kill just about everybody right now.

Before I do that however I think by now I’ve earned the right to get uppity on people, so if you smoke, leave me a note with a link to your diary or your e-mail address and I’ll be sure to let you know how much you smell.

You’d like that wouldn’t you?

PS. If you know someone who smokes but wouldn’t appreciate some jerk telling them how much they smell, be sure to give me their info as well.

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