Immunity Challenge 1
This of course is my Immunity Challenge for Diaryland Survivor. Anyone not knowing what the hell I'm talking about should go here
So I get to this fucking Island in Canada wondering what I got myself into. This is gonna blow. Canada is fucking cold this time of year. Not only that, but it's really lame to talk about this as if I was actually there. I have nothing against make believe, but this is just fucking silly. Not only that, but reading up on 12 other people enough to comment about them is gonna take a really, really long time. Also...
Agh, I gotta get into a better mood. I see the group up ahead and start giving myself a pep talk as I make my way towards them. I'm not much on charm, but I really have to control my rudeness. From what I know of these guys, they're all pretty OK people. They deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and "Alright, which one of you fucking assholes is gonna' suck my dick?!?!?! Just kidding how's everyone doing? No, Scourge you can put your hand down, seriously, I was just kidding. What are you doing here anyways, you're not a contestant?"
"He's been here all day." Spoke Cosmicrayola "He's been spending an enormous amount of energy telling us how unimportant we are. ironic isn't it?
"Sure is, hey Scourge, have you seen the Money Pit yet? You know, that big hole on the island?"
"Not yet Mr Unimportant Genghis, say, were you saying something about giving you a blow job, because if you were I'd be most interested, and..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get back to that in a minute. Scourge, what I want you to do for me right now is to bend over and look down that hole right there....closer, closer........BOOM! Alright, I don't think we'll be dealing with him anymore. Let's meet some playaz'."
First up, Cosmicrayola. "Hey, you're the sassy grandma, right? Did I get that right? Or is that the horny grandma, is that right? Am I close?"
"It's the Gutsy Grandma, Genghis."
"Gutsy Grandma, eh? What makes you so gutsy? Not afraid to bake two sheets of cookies for your grandkids? Oh, wow, look at the guts on the grandm........AAAAGHHHH, STOP SQUEEZING MY NUTS!!! I APOLOGIZE!!!!! AGGGHHH!!!!! Fuck, you better hope I don't find your Depends"
"OK, let's see, who's next? Ah you must be Odalisk, nice to meet you."
"HAHAHA, hey did you know that I studied Genghis Khan???"
"And you're like Genghis Jon Like, oh my gawd, what a coincidence??? Like this is totally like the most coincidental thing that has ever happended to me since I went out clubbing with my friends Stephanie, Gloria, and Amy, but this was back when I was friends with Amy, before she turned into a super skank and would fuck half the guys at any given club we went to out in the parking lot. Anyways one time we were there and these like two totally hot guys were like both trying to buy me drinks at the same time, when all of a sudden the bartender came up and said...."
"Hi, my name's Genghis Jon, you must be Bisa-Pet, nice to meet you."
"I know who you are, hey would you mind signing this poster for my son Gomez? He's a big fan."
"Sure, anything for the kids. What should I write?"
"Just something like 'Dear Gomez, don't be a nipple, Love Genghis'"
"No sweat, be sure to give him the middle finger for me."
"Hi, you must be Smirkwood, the one who writes about her ovaries."
"Jon, it's not fair!!!! I'm Aulstralian and the time difference is not fair for us Aussies in the game!!!"
"Have a vegamite sandwich and calm down, Smirk. I know you're at a disadvantage with the time zones and all, but think of it this way.......no, nevermind you're screwed. Hey, aren't you Call911? Hi call 911, hey, didn't I read that you're a 37 year old grandmother? How is that possible."
"Easy, I had my daughter when I was 6, and she had her first baby when she was 4. Of course she isn't a baby no more, that was 27 years ago."
"Hey, do you have any kids?"
"I love kids. When you do have babies, what are you gonna name name them?"
"That's nasty. You're a nasty, nasty man."
"Alright, stop hitting me. Hey, looky here, it's my old pal jason75. How the fuck are you?"
"Oh jeez, another Aussie. Dude, we seriously don't have enough vegamite sandwiches to go around so you and Smirkwood are gonna have to fight that one out."
"That's alright, mate. I brought me a boomerang here. See, I'll be so busy hunting Kangaroos and crocs, I won't have time to live up to your sterotypical image of me!"
"All right man, I'm just saying....Hey you must be Kiss-a-Frog!"
"Yes, have you read me?"
Shit yeah, all the time!"
"Great, what's your favorite entry?"
"Oh.....ugh.........man, they're all so good. I can't pick one. Sorry"
"Oh yeah, so, since you are an avid reader, what do I normally talk about in my diary?"
"Oh....lots of stuff....you know.....stuff that men do."
"I'm a girl"
"You didn't let me finish!! I was gonna say you do stuff WITH a lot of men, because you're probably really hot and..."
"You haven't read my diary, have you?"
"Not even once" I look at my watch and excuse myself as i go racing towards "Mousepoet! Hey, how are you. I was hoping to meet you. I read that you like poetry and I wanted to read you one of mine. Ready? Roses are red/violets are blue/during this game/I'm going to spank you HAHAHAHAH, What do you think HAHAHAHAH, Ugh!"
Mousepoet pulls out a rather large knife and puts it to the throat of Genghis.
"You listen to me, asshole. Just because I like poetry doesn't mean I'm soft. I kill more people before 9AM than the US Army does all day and I'll have little problem slicing this puny little neck of yours, you hear me motherfucker? Talk shit again, and I'll be writing poetry all over you ass with this knife, got it???"
"Yes sir, you're right. Poetry doesn't make you a wuss, I take it back!"
"Ok, who haven't I met yet. Hi I'm French Vanilla, also known as Genghis Jon. You must be Pushpull."
"I read you have an iPod"
"Well, nice talking to you"
"You too, bye"
"Look, it's my best pal in the world,Saxyjackclar, how's the tuba playing going?"
"It's a clarinet."
"Whatever, so, you're a freshman in college?"
"You're trying to wrap this up, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I still got that new guy to do, good luck with the tuba. Hey Veruca Amish The luckiest guy on the island. How's it going?"
"Hi Genghis, great to be here."
"Great to f'ing have you, hey look out for Saxyjackclar, he's a little creepy."
"I'll do that."
So there you have it. Seems like a fairly decent, yet somewhat motley crew of sorts....hey, aren't I forgetting someone?
At that very moment we all look to the horizon to see what looked like, of all things....a pickup truck?
"Hey how did a pick up truck get on the island?" someone cried. At the very moment when we were able to make out the Alabama liceanse plates, we all say in unison.
"Yeeee-haw!!" A large fellow screams out the window as he gets out of the Ford F150. He wipes a smudge on the hood of the truck where there's an airbrushed painting of the Confederate Flag.
The Australians and homosexuals among us seemed a bit more nervous than the rest as he made his way towards the group.
"Wakka, wakka, wakka....how's everybody doing? I tell you, this is gonna be better than anything I've ever written on Television Without Pity. But first things first, anyone got any pot? My wife won't let me smoke it in the house after our child was born, but that's what you get for marrying your cousin."
"Oh, that's OK. Ya'll should check that link I got on that-there website of mine that tells you the truth about drugs, and how they're not as bad as people say. I'm hoping my wife/cousin reads it. Shoot, them drugs are practically health food."
"HAHAHA, you guys crack me the hell up! We're gonna have a great time together, you know that? HAHAHA, it's like I always say, The South shall rise again, or at least that's what I tell my penis, Wakka, wakka, wakka!!!!!"
At that moment, jason75 whispers in my ear "Mate, I'm scared. Is he gonna' pull a 'Deliverance' on us?"
"Jason, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's very likely. Just keep smiling until it's all over. And go to your happy place..."
"Anyways, I got a surprise for all of you."
Everyone's hands immediately covers their buttocks.
Uncle Bob goes over to the back of his pickup and calls us over. There we see a large object covered up, about to be unveiled by our host.
"What I got hear is a little piece of Alabama. The liberal lawyers, with their fancy suits, and slick New Yerk accents said we couldn't put this in our courthouse. So yer Uncle Bob done went ahead and fixed to have it brought up here,,, behold.....!!"
"Holy shit! He fucking brought up the monument of the Ten Commandments! Son of a bitch!"
And so begins the game, of 13 complete strangers, and one monument, picked to live on an island, to see what happens when people stop writing what they want to write, and start whining about how the game is unfair to them.
DIARYLAND SURVIVOR: OAK ISLAND