Details of my Son's Birth~or~She Sells C-Sections by the Sea Shore
Just a quick (as I can) update to thank everybody in one fell swoop who've sent well wishes and what not. It'll take some time to thank you all personally, and because some of you are just blog readers from Romania that I don't know in real life; the chances of me thanking you personally is slim.
Very slim if I'm lucky because if I do meet you it means you've stalked me and I'm now locked up in your cellar.
Anyways, the baby. 9Lbs 5oz.
That may not seem like it's so big but in comparison check out some things that also weigh about the same...
-10 Coffee cans -A large bowling ball -My penis -A watermelon
Anyways, the day started with me trecking down to my dad's to get my digital camera I left over there a few days before. Which turned out to be a great fucking idea seeing that I got a call from Libby as I was turning in on our street telling me she's in labor.
Now, as I go on I hope to demonstrate to any guy reading this to never have children. It's obvious that you can't stop women from doing this sort of thing but that's only because they're all mental.
My idea of the whole having a baby thing went like this. Me and Libby were sitting at home reading the paper or something when all of a sudden she gets a rumble in the tummy.
"Jon dear, I think it's time to have the baby. I'll get the car and meet you at the hospital. You finish reading the funny pages and I'll see you there when I'm done." *kiss on cheek
Later at the hospital, while smoking in the waiting room a nurse presents me with my son and name suggestions from Libby for me to approve.
I grin at my boy and ask when I can see my wife.
"Just as soon as she's done putting on her make-up."
It went nothing like that.
I walked in the house and Libby was in total agony. She was pacing around groaning like someone had shot her in the leg.
That was stupid.
Like someone shot her in the kidney...much better.
So she's not sure she wants to go to the hospital yet. At one point she said she was gonna' go for a walk up the street, I wasn't sure that was a great idea.
After about an hour of her going "aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!" she finally agreed with me and off we went to the hospital.
Her two friends were we suppose to be on leg duty were set to leave on their honeymoon at 5AM the next day. Julie actually couldn't make it due to the fact that she puked 4 times already that day.
Despite all that Lakesha was kind enough to show up and within minutes I could see why she wanted her there. While Libby was breaking my fingers I was pretty useless in the hospital room. All I could do was say "relax, it's OK, it's OK..."
Lakesha on the other hand took total control of the room, reminding the nurses and doctor of what was in her birth plan that they didn't bother to read.
Despite her written commitment in her birth paln to "just say no" Libby was like Courtney Love with the drugs when in arm's length.
The thing that I found most funny was that within a 24 hour period she took so many drugs it was crazy. Drugs like morphine and percocet. Then we get a visit from the lactation nurse who's telling her to only drink in moderation.
Synthetic heroin however seems fine for a nursing mother.
So we get to the hospital at 2:30 and about 8 she starts pushing.
Before she was screaming like she's been shot. At this point she was screaming like her head got blown off.
Ugh...yeah, she probably wouldn't scream if her head really got blown off but you get my point.
Libby was pushing and pushing but the freaking kid wouldn't come out. Trouble from the get-go.
After two hours the doctor who earily looked like Stephen King told us that if no baby in 15 minutes then we're gonna' have to do a C-section.
Great, thanks for pressuring her. This is Libby's third kid and nobody thought she'd be delivering that way, we were totally unprepared.
So Libby who was pretty much half-dead at this point had to either push this kid out real soon or they were gonna' cut her open. I thought I had pressure.
Anyways she gave it a couple more tries and it was clear he wasn't coming out so they got me suited up for the C-section which was just me holding her hand telling her to relax while her uterus is lying on her chest.
She also wasn't allowed to see Ian right away so I had to show her a picture; thank God for digital cameras.
Anyways, that's the Ian story. He's home and he and mom are doing fine eating Bon-Bons at home.
The lasting impression I got of this is amazment that anyone would ever do this a second time. I could understand once out of human curiosity, but more than that and you're just nuts.