As the holiday season approaches I'm reminded more and more of how pretty much everybody I know is an atheist..
Growing up I knew a bunch of atheists too. They were called Catholics.
They believed pretty much everything the smartypants atheists do. Jesus was nothing more than some nice hippy, Jonah never literally got swallowed by a whale, ect.
The big differences between the Catholics and the atheists were singular. The Catholics knew when to shut the fuck up.
Granted them knowing how to shut the fuck up was probably due to the threats imposed upon them by the preist who's been molesting them since they were 6, but besides all that, they knew that things like the celebration of Christmas didn't need to be trivialized.
Just shut the fuck up and enjoy it, there's no need to explain how having a Christmas tree is a pagan celebration.
Sometimes things just can't be explained, like vegetable oil, why is it bad for you? It's made out of VEGETABLES!!!
I find it stupid and lazy to not even play along like the Catholics and still celebrate Christmas.
Anyways, atheist friends, since you're all too busy reading books with big words in them to come up with your own holiday to replace Christmas, allow me to do it for you.
December 25th is no longer Christmas. From now on the Atheists will celebrate Sciencemas.
Sciencemas will have all the trappings of Christams, without all the make believe.
On Sciencemas the family can still get together and give each other non-religious or make-believe gifts.
For instance no more Spiderman or Batman dolls for the kids. They're not real and you're only confusing them, and more importantly they're not real. I'm sick of playing along with that bullshit. From now on they'll get action figures of mom and dad (or step-dad/mom) They're real and should be their heros anyways.
See ya' Santa. In exchange we'll have Atheist Al who I'm modeling after my friend Kadrel.
"Atheist Al don't play that!"
Go ahead. Sit on his lap, I fucking dare you!
Unlike faggy-ass Santa, Kadrel, I mean Atheist Al isn't going to mollycoddle your kid's little punk ass.
Al will remind the kids that they're going to die someday and sit in dark nothingness for all eternity like Grandma is doing right now except you won't see her because we all get our own little soundproof chamber to keep us alone.
He'll also inform the kids that it's rude to ask for gifts, especially since he doen't know them and it's the first time they're meeting him but that there's a chance their parents might get them something depending on their income level, or availability of non-religious charitable group that they'd have access to.
He'll then shoo the kids off, telling them to make the most of their lives before the inevitable eternal incarceration that awaits us all, then goes back to smoking, drinking, and crying.