This Sunday I took my mother to "Highstakes" Bingo at Foxwoods casino.
Folks, I love my moms, but if given the choice of Bingo, or cutting off a couple of toes, I'd say pass the Ginsu.
Let me start off stating to all you Bingo fans out there that it's not really the game that bothers me. Even though it did last a good five hours, I'm a trooper.
My source of angst mostly came from the grumpy old women that littered the joint.
And there were legions of them, man. Legions!
They were all sitting there smoking cigarettes through their oxygen masks.
All of them had big, white puffy hair. The room looked like a large cotton field.
Now, I got better things to do than pick on the elderly. I think I do anyways. No, I'm pretty sure I do. Lemme' explain how my gripe is justified.
See, I must have gotten bumped with a wheelchair 73 times.
I also got an apology a grand total of....let me see....carry the 2....ZERO!
I was pushed to the point where I was having fantasies about me and my clone grabbing wheelchair grannies and having an all out demolition derby.
I mean who the fuck slams into you with their wheelchair and doesn't apologize?
Fucking Bingo bitches.
And you should have seen them when they had a winner of one game come up spin a wheel for a chance to win, I don't know, 50 bucks or something. The place was really cheap.
I made the mistake of being in the aisle when the event was starting, and I shit you not, one old lady had the nerve to come up from behind, put both her hands on my shoulders, and attempt to move me out of her way by force.
This shit might have worked with the captain of the football team in high school, but she wasn't the captain of the football team, and this wasn't high school.
I turned around and gave her the dreaded 'OH NO YOU DIDN'T' look.
She countered with some mumbling about not moving fast enough, and I needed to get out of her way.
I was inches away from grabbing my Bingo blotter and blotting her to death.
Then, back at the game where 5,000 people are getting all excited about playing for a prize of $200, which usually ends up with 50 people spliting said $200, I was actually physically attacked.
Yes, I was sitting there minding my own when a 186 year old lady slammed a fist into my knee to stop me from shaking it.
I have a habit of doing that, I can't help it. When I sit I usually shake my knee. I'm a terrible human.
My friendly neighbor got so distressed over this that she actually made a fist and pressed it against my knee.
She went on to order me in a harsh tone to stop it. That I was distracting her.
I contemplated asking her how distracting it would be if I threw her down the fucking stairs, but in the end gave her Mother's day clemency.
I can honestly say that I experienced more violence here than at any Slayer show I've been to. These Cottontops would clean house at a metal concert.
So as we're playing this retarded game, I notice my mother was rubbing this tin container she was using for a good luck charm.
She was calling it "Katie." I asked her why, and she replied "Because it's Katie."
"Katie our dog?"
"Yes, it's her ashes."
"Katie the dog that died in the golfing accident?"
"Yes, I bring her for luck."
"That's fucking sick, ma."
So after five straight hours of consecutive losing, we finally head out at 11:30PM.
Making my way towards the exit, my mom claims to know a shortcut which so happens to be through the slot machines.
And just like a crack addict, she automaticly, without so much as notification, she whips out a $20 and begins to play the first one-armed bandit that spoke to her.
"Mom, it's 11:30 on a Sunday. We have to go home."
"Yeah, Jon, I know, just gonna' play for a bit. He's $20, you play to."
Not falling into her trap, I inserted the $20 into my wallet and began pestering her to leave.
I gave her 20 minutes. At that point she said "let me just get to 300 coins"
She hit 300, 400, at 500 I insisted we leave.
Without a choice in the matter, she kept playing. She looked like she wanted to leave, but just couldn't. She was hooked.
So I took the initiative and pressed the button to cash her out. She whined a bit, but thanked me as we left and she was ahead.
Fucking casinos and draw they have on people. My mom's lucky she had me there to stop her. It's really ridiculous.
One day they're just gonna' pay social security in casino chips.