Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

Genghis Jon Interviews Your Punk Ass! Episode V Featuring Uncle Bob!!!!!

Here it is folks, the interview I never thought would happen, but always wanted to. The great Uncle Bob. Now, first I want to state that I think I embarrassed him a bit by asking a lot of questions on his enormous readership. I started interviewing people because I felt that most of the other interviewers, here in Diaryville ask really lame questions. I wanted to ask him something that a lot of people probably wouldn't ask him, but would want to know. I didn't mean to make him feel uncomfortable, He's a great writer and should be proud of that. So, I just wanted to make it clear that UB is a pretty danm humble guy, considering, and as jealous as I am of his popularity, I think he's pretty awesome.....

Genghis Jon's subconscience- "Jon, that was very great. Just stop here and you'll be regarded as sincere and mature!

....at giving a rim job!

Genghis Jon's subconscience- "That's it. I quit. I don't need this shit."

-----THE INTERVIEW-----

Genghis Jon-First off, thanks for agreeing to do this. You're a sweetheart. You really are.

Uncle Bob-Stop it. I'm blushing.

Genghis Jon-Can I call you my "Hunk a' Unk"?

Uncle Bob-I prefer "Funky Unk" but yer the Genghismeister...you call me what you'd like.

Genghis Jon-So you've lived in Alabama for a while. Have you ever used the line on a chick "I put the BAMN in Alabama"?

Uncle Bob-Good one! No I haven't. I suck at opening lines.

Genghis Jon-I use "Hey, I was born in France, wanna dance?" Why doesn't that work?

Uncle Bob-I'm not sure. I always used "Hi, I may look like a serial killer, but I promise I won't take you home, sodomize you with a beer bottle and then chop off your head with a scythe. Wanna dance?" I would think yours would probably work better.

Genghis Jon-At an Alabama club, do people go fucking nuts when they play "Sweet Home Alabama"?

Uncle Bob-Christ...you can't IMAGINE the response that song still gets. It's one collective "WHOOO-HOOO" and then a bunch of rednecks slowly getting their groove on dancing like Deadheads.

Genghis Jon-Also, I imagine everyone from Neil Diamond to Elton John playing that "Alabama" song when they're in town. Tell me that's not true.

Uncle Bob-Naw man...they don't even try. Messing with a Skynyrd song...that's sacrilege in these parts. Don't fuck with Skynyrd!!

Genghis Jon-What the hell happened to the Uncle Bob store?

Uncle Bob-When we didn't sell one single thong with my face on the crotch, I got all pissy and shut it down.

Genghis Jon-You have a tremendous readership, something I'm not ashamed to say I'm terribley jealous over. Got any advice for a lowly upstart?

Uncle Bob-Plenty. Keep in mind that before I came to Diaryland, I had a much better website that was a whole lot funnier, and I was giddy on the days when I would get 20 hits. So I know what it's like to put your heart into a website and only have a handful of people reading it. In fact, "Uncle Bob" was meant to be a supplement to my other webpage in hopes of bringing people over there to the funnier one. What I soon found out was that people would read my diary but wouldn't go to my webpage. So I dropped the webpage...or they dropped me due to inactivity. Whatever. Anyway...sign as many guestbooks or leave as many notes as possible with links to your site, saying something semi-witty to make people want to read more of your stuff. I used to sign guestbooks "Nice diary....FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!" That line led me to where I am today. Also ...update every day at the same time so that people KNOW that you're there with something new. Get one good joke and keep recycling it over and over. And keep promising nude photos of yourself "tomorrow" on your site. But you never have to produce because "tomorrow" is always tomorrow. They'll love you. Tomorrow. Christ. I sound like "Annie" over here.

Genghis Jon-If I had your popularity, I'd try to part the ocean. Maybe you shouldn't help me.

Uncle Bob-Put it in perspective, guy. I don't get treated any differently in real life because I'm "Uncle Bob". So what does my "popularity" amount to? I get a lot of emails from people telling me that I've made them laugh. I enjoy that part of it. But there's also a lot of people out there who hate me just because I'm "popular". That sucks. If you like me, read me. If not, don't read me. But man ... I never wanted people hating me simply because I have more readers than they do. Bottom line is I appreciate the people that read my site and enjoy what I write. I don't have a problem with people who don't read me and I wish the few that won't be happy until they lead a crusade against me would just go on with their lives rather than try and destroy me. Man. Now I know what Michael Jackson must feel like.

Genghis Jon-Do you read diaries like mine, who get about 50 hits a day and think "puny mortal."

Uncle Bob-Never. I've said it before and I'll say it again...there's a million diaries out there in Diaryland now. Which means the absolute best diary out there is probably not even being read. You're good. You're funny. You're a prick at times, but I have you bookmarked and enjoy reading your stuff. And please...take the prick line as a compliment. Somebody has to be the prick, and you're the chosen one. Relish in your prickdom.

Genghis Jon-What do you think of Left Handed people? Weirdos, right?

Uncle Bob-I fuckin' hate 'em. They've got some sort of master plan to turn the world left handed or something. I think there's something wrong with their brains. I truly do. Damned lefties.

Genghis Jon- I plan on blowing up the moon. Wanna' help?

Uncle Bob- Can't. I've got a birthday party I've got to go to. Sorry.

Genghis Jon- Left handed people. Do you believe it's a choice, or that they were born that way?

Uncle Bob- Yer hung up on this left handed shit, aren't you?

Genghis Jon- Sesame Street is planning on introducing an HIV possitive muppet. I think it's pretty obvious that it's gonna be either Ernie or Bert. What do you think?

Uncle Bob- Bert. Definitly Bert. He's pretty high strung and stressed all the time. He's obviously sweating those open sores on his yellow Muppet dick.

Genghis Jon- As a father, do you think it's gonna be wise for them to sell an HIV positive Sesame Street doll? Wouldn't you tell your son to get the hell away from that?

Uncle Bob- I know they want kids to understand about HIV and stuff and that's their goal. But jeez....let's just let kids be innocent for as long as we possibly can before we have to introduce them to the evils in this world (including you and me).

Genghis Jon- I think that Kylie Minogue song "Can't Get You Out of My Head" is about me. Talk some sense into me.

Uncle Bob- Dude. It's NOT about you. No Doubt's "Just A Girl"?? THAT'S about you.

Genghis Jon- Remember that squabble we had? Did that turn you on as much as me?

Uncle Bob- I've gotta admit...I gripped the monkey with each keystroke.

Genghis Jon- I think Mike Piazza's nickname should be "Pepperoni". Are you down wit' that?

Uncle Bob- Heh. Never thought about it. Yeah...check me as being down wi' it.

Genghis Jon- For over 125 years, Pepperidge Farms has been producing the finest cakes, cookies, crackers, and cheese to snack craving connoisseurs the world over. Taht's becuase Pepperidge Farms remembers. In what ways are you like Pepperidge Farms?

Uncle Bob- I'm sweet but crummy.

Genghis Jon- Say you stand before Osama bin Ladin, Adolph Hitler (say he faked his death) and some left handed guy. Nice guy, but left handed nonetheless. Say you have a gun with only two bullets. Who would you shoot?

Uncle Bob- The wall. I'm a lousy shot.

Genghis Jon- Wrong! You shoot the lefty twice!

Uncle Bob- Ahhhh!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! Damned dirty left-handed commie bastard!!

Genghis Jon- Whuddya' think of my diary? I know how bashful you are, but please. Don't hold back. spare my feelings. Really, it's OK...

Uncle Bob- Huh?? You have a diary? On DIARYLAND?!?!? I thought this was for CNN.com. Damned dirty lying commie bastard!!

Genghis Jon- Anything you'd like to say to my readers? (Again, just let it out...)

Uncle Bob- Show me your tits. Sorry...Hindsight being 20/20, I probably shouldn't have had that last beer for breakfast.

Genghis Jon- I thank you humbly for taking the time out to talk with me. I'm sure you gotta' run back and hang out with all those "big number" diary guys, so I won't keep you.

Uncle Bob- Gimme a break. Ever since the whole "Brad Pitt's trying to sue me" scandal, Andrew's looked at me as a liability to Diaryland. Bobby at Perceptions is too busy taking photos of homeless people to answer my emails. I'm the black sheep of the big number guys.

Genghis Jon- And as I agreed, I'll understand if you deny ever talking to me.

Uncle Bob- Thanks. It's always awkward for me when I decide to quit talking to puny Diaryland mortals for no reason.

Comments?

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!