My employers are cannibals, HEEELLLPPPP!!!!
Ya-hooo. It's "Employee Appreciation Week" here at work. That means we all get these faggy pins that read "I'm a Team Player."
That's funny, I don't recall too much team playing on my part. As a matter of fact when people come to my desk an ask for assistance in doing something, they're usually greeted with the finger. 'Specially when I'm on the phone. I give more people the finger before 9AM then most people do all day.
And if faggy pins aren't enough, and they very well should be, we also got a handful of mints left on our desk that read "Thanks for your commit'mint'".
I felt like giving my two weeks notice right then and there.
And if faggy pins, and faggy mints weren't enough. They're committed to shove our faces with junk food all week long. Everyday they serve something more unhealthier and vile than the day before. There have been eight heart attacks this week.
Krispy Kreme Donuts has just invaded Connecticut. One store only, about 40 miles away from here. Some over-zealous donut loving fatso made the trip there to pick up a small moutain's worth of this artery clogging garbage. Homer Simpson couldn't eat all these donuts. Anyway, (this was Monday) they strategically position these donuts throughout the building so you're never more then an arm's length away from a bagful no matter where you are. People are walking around like they got shot in the belly.
Tuesday they upped the ante with pizza. I'm sure you've all had a pizza day wherever you are, but it's different here. Everyone get's their own large pizza. No lie. We have 25 people in our department, and on the table is 25 pies. I had one slice. Four people came over to ask me if I was gonna eat any more. I said "no, I'm sending it to China."
Wednesday we had sundaes. People were actually complaining that we weren't being served a "meal." As if you're going to get a morsle's more of nutrition out of a peperoni pizza then you are a pile of ice cream. Certain people actually created two sundaes so when they were done with the first, they wouldn't have to get up again. That way there's not even a remote chance of burning off them calories.
And today we had an unholy buffet, serving everthing from chili, to quiche, to nachos. One lonely salad sat at the end, getting laughed at. I only saw one person go near it, and she proceeded to load it with chili and cheese.
This has caused me to theorize that we're being fattened up for a reason. I'm thinking upper management wants to eat us. I really do. We're totally being treated like Thanksgiving Turkeys.
So far I have one fragile girl that almost believe me.
Tomorrow they're bringing in 10 gallon tubs of Crisco and mayonaise.