I haven't taken a fives days off from this diary in as long as I can remember.

And it figures the one time I do, I leave a picture of myself with suspicious white stuff splattered on my face.

I'm sure I'm not gong to convince a damn one of you that it was really mayonnaise, and that I participated in no oral sex with my roommate whatsoever.

Which brings up another point.

DUDE!

"What are you doing going around smudging mayonnaise on your face and taking pictures of yourself? You one of them funny types or something?"

Fair question. But before you judge me as weird, I'd like to bring to the discussion my roommate, who, when asked if he'd mind taking a picture of me smoking a cigarette with mayonnaise smeared on my face, he gently replied "sure" with NO questions asked!

With that in mind, I ask you. Who's the real perv?

Anyone who get's the next edition of Playboy, that's who!

Sources tell me that next month Carnie "Oops, I ate the other members of the band" Wilson will be buck nekkid in the magazine.

Something I can safely say would never believe to happen outside of a "what's grosser then gross?" joke.

It is my understanding that Playboy magazine actually has vested intrest in people buying their magazine; hense, putting things in there that folks actually want to see.

It's understandable that Playboy, with it's success being it's longitivity, would come to a point in it's history where it would lose site of it's appealing factor, in this case ATTRACTIVE naked women.

Not that Carnie isn't attractive these days, she actually looks amazing. Just leave your freegin' clothes on, sister!

The lady weighed in at 300 lbs, and through the magic of LA science she now weighs an incredible 150 lbs.

Good for her. I applaud her. I think it's great, I really do.

I still DO NOT WANT TO SEE HER NAKED!

Why you ask? Not to get all Mr Wizard on you, but I'd like to explain my point by having you try a little experiment at home.

All you need is a balloon.

First, blow up the balloon. Blow it up as far as it can go befoer it pops.

OK?

The fully blown balloon is Carnie Wilson before.

Now, let half the air out on the balloon. What happened to Carnie?

Kinda' wrinkly, eh? Lota' loose skin lying around?

See my point? Teenage boys from across the globe depend on Playboy to deliver them a high standard of wanking material.

Especially in third world countries where the internet isn't readily available, and they rely on periodicals such as Playboy for their masterbatory pleasure. Do you actually think these boys are pretending to fuck a goat while they're fucking a goat? PLEASE! In their imagination, and with Playboy's help, that goat to them is Pamela Anderson! Are you starting to understand the importance in this?

And before anybody starts harping on me for being mean to Carnie, consider her reasons for doing such, then try to convince yourself that I wasn't put on this Earth as The Great Clearifier.

She claims she wants to "help people."

Not that I knock the concept in general, but when has it been said that women getting naked helps people? Can someone explain that concept to me? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life!!

My God, I am gay.

Well, gay or not I hope a mouse runs up her hootch when she's spreading her legs on the photoshoot.

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