As expected the reaction to the news of my impending nuptials has caused quite the reaction from the female population...
I will not patronize you women by saying I feel your pain. The truth is I can never understand what it must be like knowing I'll never have any Genghis Jon, that's just not reality
All I could equate it to is if someone told me that all the good steaks in the world; the USDA certified Grade A kind was all gone, and that for the rest of my life I had to settle for bologna....then I can start to understand what the approx. 3.5 billion women in this world who are not marrying me this Sunday is going through.
First I want to say to any of my female readers out there that if you're having any thoughts about hurting yourself to please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-Suicide (1-800-784-2433)
(*Note- You may also want to use this number if you somehow find yourself watching Adam Sandler's new movie, Click)
Actually suicide might not be a bad idea
I also want to let you know that other men out there aren't so bad. Sure, none of them have it going on quite like Mista Jon- but that doesn't mean you should throw in the towel!
I mean look at all the women out there who turned lesbians just because they never thought they'd have a chance with me. Sure, it was a great way to get my attention but it didn't work, I'm still getting married.
Therefor there's no reason to compromise yourselves, just go with the hand you were delt. For instance...sure, you can't have me but there's nothing stopping you from dating a guy named Jon.
Also, there's no law against making your boyfriend wear a Genghis Jon mask everytime he has sex with you!
You see what I'm saying? With a little garnishing and a little imagination any bologna sandwich can be palatable. Life does go on, no matter how shitty it is without me.