Picture yourself on a boat on a river.
You and your lover are spending the day on a romantic boat ride down the Chicago River.
You've planned this day for weeks. She's the love of your life and you've longed find the right moment, the right setting to tell her just how you feel.
Sure you caught her in bed with the boy that mows your lawn, but that's another story.
She is the love of your life. You were a lost soul before you met her, and like an angel from heaven she's come to bring you purpose.
You look at her with her big bright eyes, and flowing golden hair. She smiles back letting you know the love you feel for her is more than returned.
You move in for a kiss...
Closer...
...
...
...
...
Closer...
...
...
...
And at the moment when your lips begin to meet, you feel something warm. At first you think it's the passion that's burning between you. The you realize the warm feeling is coming from above. It's that moment you pull away from your lover's embrace and look up in horror to find The Dave Matthews Band unloading 800 pounds of their tour bus's septic tank right on to your heads.
You disbelievingly watch hopelessly as your beloved is rained on by liquidy waste, mixed with odd poop chunks, and corn.
You again turn your head to the band to try to search for answers. Why are they doing this? Sure, you'd expect this type of thing from Slayer, but The Dave Matthews Band? I thought they were environmentalists?
Through the ghastly smell you stare up at band like a lost puppy out in the rain. Tears swell in your eyes as you mouth the words "why".
Your reply comes in the form of a smile and wave from the bass player. The drummer offers a smile of his own, but with the middle finger.
Your heart starts breaking when the reality of all this starts setting in. How you and all your business school buddies use to study to "Under the Table and Dreaming". Or how you always sang "Crash" at karaoke. You honored this banded. Loved them. Had posters of them. And they repay you by dumping 800 pounds of their collective shit and piss all over you.
Thanks alot Dave Matthews Band.
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My newest hobby lately is to ask people if they'd like to be interviewed, then never speaking to them again.
So public apologies to Opus, MeeshaPeesha, and Pork Tornado who I've all promised interviews to. Trust me that I'll be getting right to work with all of you as soon as I'm not distracted by Dave Matthews dumping shit on people's heads.
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