Genghis Jon finally gets help!!!!
Sweet Jiminy Christmas! Boy, is she pissed or what???
Damn, I guess I am the anti-christ after all.
Obviously I plowed into a nerve. I wish I could be the better guy, and say I have no interest in this, but that's BULLSHIT man, this shit is hysterical!!!
Where should I start? Um, her lack of reseach at the begining of this whole drama was more than made up for when she tried to outdo me for my last entry.
I mean, seriously. I was dodging the kitchen sink there!
But here's the thing. I didn't write my last entry to call her names, "nay nay" "you suck" and so on.
Hey, I thought she apologized? What's she getting all bent out of shape about? If she was apologizing she was admitting she was wrong. I agreed that she was embaressingly, mega-wrong, and then gently pointed out the fact that she is a fucking nipple! And now she trys to take back her apology?
Arrrr, but what really burns my ass is her saying that she'd rather be a nipple than an ass!
Curses! You won that round, but I'll be back!
Ugh....rather be a nipple than an ass? WHO'D RATHER BE A NIPPLE THAN A FUCKING ASS???
Nobody wants to be a freakin' nipple. I said you're a nipple! Did you read that right? A nipple!!
Anybody will tell you that a nipple ranks about a 9 on the insult scale, while an ass lays at about a weak 3.
Saying you'd rather be a nipple than an ass is like saying you'd rather be left-handed than right-handed. It just don't make any sence!
Now, I have no problem whatsoever with anything else you might have said , but I strongly implore you to take a deep breath and reconsider you're statement about rather being a nipple over an ass.
That's just cruel man.
Anyways, after receiving the weirdest guestbook insult I ever have in my entire life (It was signed by some dude named Dre, [as in Dr Dre!] but after reading it, I'm pretty sure it was written by Al Gore) and due to the fact that I'm partly responsible for making poor Mel weep. (sigh) I have a major announcement to make.
I've decided to seek treatment for my affliction of assigitus.
So the other day I checked myself into The Institute for the Study and Prevention of Assholes of America. (ISPAA)
I was immediately put under the care of a nice fellow by the name of Dr. Richards. Now, part of my recovery is to share my progress with others, so the following is a transcript of my first session with the good doctor.
Dr. Richards- Well Mr..(looks at chart) Genghis Jon. What brings you here to The Institute for the Study and Prevention of Assholes of America?
Genghis Jon- WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY THAT???? GET OVER HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'M GONNA RIP OFF YOUR NUTS AND EAT THEM IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM, AAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
*Fast forward, Our hero gets put in a "quiet room" for a few hours to cool off, gets shot in the ass with a tranquilizer gun, than get's assigned to a new doctor by the name of Garcia.
Dr. Garcia- So Genghis Jon. Would you like to talk about why you ate Dr Richard's testicles?
Genghis Jon- Let me ask you a question first, doc! Would you rather be called a nipple, or an ass?
Dr. Garcia- Oh? Well....I guess a nipple. I mean, we all have nipples and.....
Genghis Jon- OH-MY-GOD! AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT ISN'T INSANE ON THIS PLANET?? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME BEAT YOU? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY CHOKING YOU LIKE THIS??? ANSWER ME, YOU FUCKING FLOPPERRRRR!!!!!
*Our hero gets more "quiet time" and is returned at a third attept to be reached. This time by the brave Dr. Pruitt.
Dr. Pruitt- So Genghis Jon, do you think you're finally ready to open up?
Genghis Jon- Well, I got to admit. It is kind of distracting doing this while you're aiming that gun at me.
Dr. Pruitt- I'm sure you'll be fine.
Genghis Jon- Can I have some morphine?
Dr. Pruitt- No.
Genghis Jon- Asshole.
Dr. Pruitt- OK, so why don't we talk about what brought you here.
Genghis Jon- Toothbrush thinks I'm an ass.
Dr. Pruitt- Toothbrush? Your toothbrush?
Genghis Jon- No, she's not mine.
Dr. Pruitt- Somebody else's toothbrush thinks you're an ass?
Genghis Jon- Right.
Dr. Pruitt- Who belongs to this toothbrush?
Genghis Jon- I don't know who Toothbrush belongs to. My guess would be some Canadian hockey team.
Dr. Pruitt- Is that so?
Genghis Jon- Yeah, probably the Penguins. But I'm not sure.
Dr. Pruitt- Ummm.....
Genghis Jon- Listen, her name is Toothbrush.
Dr. Pruitt- Oh so it's her name. I see. She's not an actual toothbrush.
Genghis Jon- Right. She's a nipple.
Dr. Pruitt- A what?
Genghis Jon- A nipple.
Dr. Pruitt- A nipple?
Genghis Jon- (Lifts shirt and points) Nip-pul.
Dr. Pruitt- That nipple thinks you're an ass?
Genghis Jon- Not that one, another one. A Canadian one.
Dr. Pruitt- Let me start over. Is this toothbrush a nipple or a person?
Genghis Jon- Both.
Dr. Pruitt- Is it safe to say that she's a person that you deem a nipple?
Genghis Jon- No, lots of people think she's a nipple.
Dr. Pruitt- I see. And you're one of them?
Genghis Jon- I'm not only the president, but I'm also a client.
Dr. Pruitt- Oh, the hair club commercial. Very funny.
Genghis Jon- Yeah, very funny. Can I PLEASE have some morphine or a sponge bath or something? Where my nurses at, yo?
Dr. Pruitt- No, this is not that kind of hospital. So going back now, there's this "Toothbrush" that thinks you're an ass and you've come here to see if we can help you not be...what you might call, an ass?
Genghis Jon- That's right!
Dr. Pruitt- Ok, so how do you know this Toothbrush?
Genghis Jon- She read my diary.
Dr. Pruitt- Where did you leave it?
Genghis Jon- It's online. It's an online diary.
Dr. Pruitt- Oh.....I think I heard about you. Is that the diary that prompted the government of Canada to officially declare you a "jackass"?
Genghis Jon- Yeah, I remember something like that, but....
Dr. Pruitt- And didn't you go off on people that are left handed?
Genghis Jon- Yeah, well...sorta'....
Dr. Pruitt- And don't you call your fan base Mongoloids?
Genghis Jon- I might have, but....
Dr. Pruitt- Yeah you are an asshole.
Genghis Jon- Thanks a bunch. Now can you help me?
Dr. Pruitt- I don't know. This might be a job for The Institute for Eternal Head Smacks of Incurable Fucking Dipshiits. But we'll see what we can do for you here at The Institute for the Study and Prevention of Assholes of America.
Genghis Jon- Great, let's get to work!
Dr. Pruitt- OK, well what do you think of yourself? Do you hate yourself?
Genghis Jon- Me? Hell no. I love me!
Dr. Pruitt- Really?
Genghis Jon- Yeah! I'm the shit.
Dr. Pruitt- But at the same time, you're an asshole.
Genghis Jon- Yeah, well. No pain, no gain.
Dr. Pruitt- YYYYYYeeeaaah. OK. How about we go over a senerio. Talk about how you'd react to it, then discuss ways you might do it differently.
Genghis Jon- Oooo, role playing, huh doc? You kinky son of a bitch!
Dr. Pruitt- Stop that.
Genghis Jon- Alright, I'll play along. Let's just hope your wife don't find out, eh?
Dr. Pruitt- Stop that, and let's begin. Let's say I'm Toothbrush, and...
Genghis Jon- Nipple.
Dr. Pruitt- STOP! There, you see? You're reacting negatively before she even said anything. Let's try again. I'll be Toothbrush, and...
Genghis Jon- Nipple.
Dr. Pruitt- STOP THAT! Now I'll be Toothbrush and watch how you react to negativity.
(Dr. Pruitt freezes hand while giving the middle finger to Genghis Jon)
Genghis Jon- Oh boy.....
Dr. Pruitt (as Toothbrush)- Oh Jon...I'm just a piece of meat to you. You don't respect women! I try hard to conduct myself with dignity and honor, and you come along, and degrade me as a woman, as a human being, as a Canadian. You are the root of all evil, and poses hair that is unbrushed!
Genghis Jon- You forgot "evildoer."
Dr. Pruitt- What? That's it? No outbursts?
Genghis Jon- Naw. I agree with all that. She's just flirting.
Dr. Pruitt- Well, what's your problem with her then?
Genghis Jon- BECAUSE...OH MY GOD! SHE SAID SHE'D RATHER BE A NIPPLE THAN AN ASS!! OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT??? WHAT THE FUCK??? THAT DRIVES ME SO NUTS....
(Dr. Pruitt turns gun on himself, pulls trigger, and takes the easy way out. Genghis Jon is thrown out of the Institute and quickly returns to diaryland, much to the dismay of anal retentive readers everywhere.)
Hey, sorry guys. I tried.
I was hoping to get help for my ailment, but sadly the system failed me.
Guess I'll just have to carry on with the knowledge that both my mom, and Mr. Rogers like me just the way I am!