The Injuns have turned the tables
My state of Connecicut is host to the world's largest, and third largest casinos.
About ten years ago the Pequot tribe opened a casino. Foxwoods.
I thought it was hysterical at first. I mean, we force the injuns' onto reservations, and they go ahead and build a damn casino. How fucking brilliant! It's like the spiritual redman turns the tables on the greedy pale face and beats us with our own stick. Fuck, I love this country!
Anyways, before too long the Mohegan tribe claimed that they wanted to be forced to live on a reservation as well. Fearing they'd get scalped, the state legislators relented, and twenty seconds later they open up the third largest casino in the world called The Mohegan Sun.
You have to see these places. Both casinos are designed to give nods to their heritage.
At Foxwoods for example, there's this huge, glass looking statue of an injun' aiming his bow into the sky. Every hour, on the hour the statue comes to life in some bizarre, laser light show that would make Pink Floyd wanna' jump off a bridge.
There's an audio that accompanies the show. You can never hear what the damn injun' is saying. Something like "Many moons ago. Us red people would prey to the spirit of ....something or other."
I'd stand next to the crowd that consisted mostly of old women in wheelchairs sucking on oxygen, while making up my own dialog.
"Many moons ago. Our people would prey for prosperety, security, and happiness. What we received were all these slot machines. This way we are able to scalp you in new ways. Thank you for coming to Foxwoods."
I get the dirtiest looks from behind those oxygen masks.
As you could imagine these places draw BIG money. I mean HUGE. I know because I give it to them. Anyways, it was just a matter of time before the pale faces wanted to get in on all the action.
When Donald Trump heard that they're opening casinos in Connecticut, he came in and went crazy. The guy was on the news every night saying how his casinos where gonna' make our lives even better.
After laughing The Don back to NYC, a stranger, yet, more ambitious trend started to appear in the Nutmeg state.
The trend consisted of other Injun' tribes claiming that they too have the right to be cast away from society onto a reservation, where they'd be free to open a multi-billion dollar casino.
Nothing surprising there. But what is surprising is the people that have the gall to come forth and claim that they're injuns!
The latest is "Chief" Richard Velky of the famed Schaghticoke.
Let's take a look at Chief Velky.
Maybe it's me. I don't know. I mean, who am I to judge someone's ethnicity by their appearance? That said, Chief Velky looks more to me like Ian O'Reilly -the drunken Irish cop that sits in his cop car all day up the street from me, and trys to cover the booze on his breath with Altoids.
I mean, does he look like an Injun' to you? Could you see him riding on a horse with a painted body waving a tomahawk around? I can't.
I shouldn't just pick on Velky, because he's only the latest in the trend of rich, white guys trying to pass themselves off as Injuns.
Here's a picture of the last guy that tried to pull this.
His name is Chief Walking Off With Your Money, from the People's Bank Tribe.
I should get in on this action too. Grow my hair long again. Get a couple feathers dangling out of my ass. Change my name to Chief Suck'um Big'um Dick'um.
It'll be perfect.