Torture dem' co-workers!
I've been pulling a lot of pranks lately.
Mostly with people I don't know, yesterday I did it with a fellow employee here at work.
Let's just call her Amy
Amy is newly single, and out playing the field.
One guy that she went on a date with is particularly weird.
They only went out one time, she gave all the signs that she's not interested and he still emails her
everyday asking her out.
She does everything except come out and tell him it's not working, leaving that "there's still a
chance" question linging over him.
Just when he starts to slow down with the emails to her.....I take the ball and run with it.
First, I found out what was the name of the band he plays in.
Went to their website and got his first and last name.
Went to my hotmail, and changed my name to his, so when I send an email out it will show up as an email from him.
She's not too swift with this email thing, so I knew she wouldn't check the sending email address.
Just see the name and assume it was him.
So the game was on.
Here's what I sent...
Long time, no hear.
Keep this weekend free because my mom asked us to come for dinner.
She's heard a lot about you and can't wait to meet you.
She'll be cooking a big Italian dinner, and a lot of other family members (cousins, second-cousins) will be there in your honor, so dress up! Let me know what's a good time to pick you up and I'll see you then.
Love Michael P.
(The "P" is for Pu-tang!)
***Note from your author.
After sending this out, I waited a few minutes and went over to chat with Amy. She didn't immediately talk about the email, but a few minutes later she brought it up.
She said "Read this."
As I was reading it, she was reminding me about the time that I told her she shouldn't reply to his emails if she didn't want to. She said she was just going to ignore him.
Genghis is not one to be ignored.
*Email 2 to Amy.
Hey my little "PUSSY" Cat!
I know you chics hate to be pushed but my mom does need an answer ASAP on what time we'll be expecting you.
If I don't hear back from you in 20 minutes, I'll just assume I'll "Cum" get you at 6:00.
Oh, and you can crash over my house after.
When we went out that one time, I got the impression that you wanted to stay over my house. You seemed shy though, so I didn't press you.
You can TOTALLY stay over my house, baby.
See you Saturday.
I think you're FUCKING HOT!!!!!
***Note from your author
A few minutes after I sent this email out I heard a commotion brew over at Amy's cubical. She was calling all her female friends over to read her latest email. They were sitting around her computer, balking like a bunch of chickens! I overheard things being said like "What a FUCKING retard" and " He's such a LOSER!" But the best thing I caught was "This is just like that movie Fear, with Marky Mark!"
A few moments later, I got a reply.
***Amy gets brave, and replies to "Michael"
so sorry...I told you earlier I am swamped big time...I hate to say no but I think that's going to be the answer..I have that wedding shower @ 3 then we're all heading out for cocktails afterward...I have no idea when or where it'll end.
***Michael replies to the bad attempt to shoo him.
Thanks for replying so quick!
Hey, no problem on the shower thing.
We're not eating until around 7:00 so you can have plenty of time having "COCK"tails with your friends, and i can just pick you up from there.
It wouls be cool to meet your friends too!
Also, not to impose, but my day on Saturday is free.
If you want to drag me along to have "COCK"tails and show me off to your girlfriends, that'd be A-OK with me!
But either way is fine...
I'll let you make the call.
Love, Michael P.
I know you didn't give a bold "yes" but I already told momma that you'd come. So no backing out know, OK? :)
***Amy tries to put the puupy to rest....pathetically
Mike, listen there's no way I can do anything Saturday, I'm just too busy....I told you I'll give you a call when I'm less busy. Sorry.
***"Michael" pulls out the big guns....
Amy, i know you're busy.
My mom's busy, I'm busy too!
I was going to play water polo this weekend with my team, the Watersnakes but cancelled for this.
Now, I respect the fact that you have things you have to do.
But you've given me your schedule, and you don't seem THAT busy that you have to break my mother's heart.
I just want you to know that she's stayed up all night, stuffing sausages and making her special sauce.
I know it sounds stupid, calling sauce "special" but this is a recipe that she brought over from Italy. It's been in our family for generations.
The reason why it's so special, is because of the secret ingredient.
Know what that is?
She puts one of her own tears in the sauce.
A lot of my friends think it's stupid, but when you're Italian...it means a lot.
When momma sheds a tear in her sauce, she's telling everyone that sits at her table that they are like family, and she's given a little part of herself to prove it.
Now, she hasn't made this sauce since papa died 14 years ago.
But when she saw how happy I got when I talked about you...
How excited I got when you called..
How she knew I was thinking about you, when I'd walk around the house with a stupid smile on my face....
She said to me "Michael....ifa' thisa' girl maka' you so 'ahappy, then shea' makea' me 'ahappy!"
Now, I know I've been a little pushy and all, and I really am sorry. But the truth is I haven't seen momma this happy since papa died!
And the last thing I want is for you to come over if you really don't want to.
But you should know that she'll be heartbroken.
Momma is all I have in this world, and it's so important to make her happy.
So if you could find the time....even a couple hours, it would mean so much!
Again, no pressure but if she gets upset like she does sometimes, I'm going to have to stay by her side all night. You see, she has high blood pressure and has a high risk of a heart attack.
She's been to the emergency room 9 times this year.
Again, NO prob if you can't ake it...
But if you could find a couple hours at least...I promise you a great time!
***Note from your author.
After this email was received...all Hell broke loose. At this point everybody in a three mile radus was at her cubicle. They were pulling people off the street!
Anyways, the mood got somber over there. I was hearing things like "you know he's going to be waiting in your house when you get home.." and " just because his mother might die, doesn't mean you should blow off your friends.." but the best was "Damn! I wish I had a stalker!"
We all know that Amy's Achilles heal is her catholic guilt.
She's famous for it (not to mention her gullibility!)
****Amy writes poor Mike and surrenders to him and his momma.
sorry I'm such a bitch....I can probably go for a couple hours, but I really have to be home by 9:00 the latest...would it be OK I didn't eat any of the sauce? I don't want to offend anyone, but that just sounds gross.
Yes, you are a bitch. You will eat her sausage, than you'll eat mine! I got my own sauce for you too.
Do me a favor and don't embaress me by wearing the white trash looking shit you usually do.
Wear something nice or you ain't coming!
****Amy finally checks the email address and discovers it's all been a lie!
Jon, I'M GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOUR GONNA HAVE NIKE BREATH!!!!!!!!!!