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I learned a lesson last night

So I'm sitting on my porch last night smoking a cigarette, talking with my roommate, and two friends. This was about 1:30 AM when this dirtbag walked by. I always wondered what these people did when Walmart is closed. Anyways, the guy yells out "hey, can I have a cigarette?" and starts to cross the street towards my house. I knew he was gonna' do that the moment I saw him. I'm pretty damn good at picking out the moochers. Whenever I'm walking in the city and someone's about to ask me for some money, I usually ask them first.

Anyways, I say "alright" and throw him a cigarette. Expecting him to thank me, and be on his way. After all, he has a big day tomorrow walking around the parking lot at Walmart. I hate people like this, I really do. The guy spends every dollar given to him on booze and drugs, and now I gotta pay for his cigarettes. Whatever though, I'm not so much a prick as to make a big deal out of a lousy cigarette.

He takes the cigarette and starts walking away. No "thanks", no nothing. It was almost like I was offending him by contributing to his charity.

I could care less. I make my way back to my chair when drunken mullet guy calls me back.

"Hey" he says. "Can I have another one for later?"

"Naw." I respond "I'll pass. Thanks anyway."

"C'mon man, why not?"

"I gave you a cigarette man, don't push your luck."

"If you give me two more, I'll buy you a whole pack tomorrow."

"I just told you I'm not gonna' give you another one, which might lead you to believe I won't give you two."

"But I'm gonna' buy you a pack tomorrow!"

"Buy me a pack now and I'll think about it."

"You're stupid, man. You'd be getting a whole pack for two more cigarettes."

"I'm sure I would. Anybody that walks around the streets at 1:30 in the morning asking strangers for cigarettes is a gawdamn pillar of the community in my book. What else can I give you?"

At this point the guy was getting pissed. I figured it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do to get him all worked up seeing that he knows where I live, and the car in front of the house was obviously mine. I gave him another cigarette if he promised to leave. He said he would. I got off the porch, walked over to him, gave him another cigarette. (Again, thankless) He started to walk away and I headed back to the porch.

Once seated on the porch I see my little friend has not only failed to depart, but was now going through my garbage.

"Jeezus! Dude, what are you doing???"


Great. Here's the scorecard thusfar. He blackmailed two cigarettes out of me. And still won't leave. Now me and my friends have to watch him pick through our garbage.

Oh, and now I have to "calm the fuck down."


The guy was bumbling with some empty water bottles (that aren't refundable anyways!) so I went inside to get him a bag. I come back out and bring it to him.

As I tried to hand it to him, he turned around and sucker-kicked me (in the shin). As I nurse my bruise, he drops the 25 empty bottle waters he was holding. Runs over to the steps, grabs my pack of cigarettes, and takes off into my neighbor's backyard.

My friends watched on in hysterics.

Fucking bastards. See what happens when I play the nice guy?


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