An extra long, double boring, entry on Jon's view of marriage. (Might be a good time to re-read my Birdman entry)
First off, I just want to say that I'm totally elated that Twinkeee has updated for the first time in over six months.
There are very, very few diaries that capture my interest as much as her's. Here's hoping that yesterday's update wasn't just a one-off fluke.
Speaking of fluke's, my good pal Transvestite Zero brought up the topic of marriage, and his feelings on it, and I'd thought I'd add my own twisted view on the topic.
First off, I think marriage is great under the right circumstances. This is coming from a guy who's been engaged a respectable three times before he was 27, but yet never closed the deal.
Why? Because I'm not stupid.
Immature? With room to spare.
Imperfect? Without a doubt.
Incorrigible? Sure, at times.
Stupid? Not when it comes to making a life's commitment, sonny.
Now, here's my theory on marriage. I believe that humans were made to fall in love, find a life's partner, and spend the rest of their lives together. It's natural and instinctual.
Now, let's compare our relationships with that of a wolf. Wolves mate and become life partners with their mates. They don't divorce. Ever.
Why? Because they sleep in the snow and have a lot more things to worry about other than petty imperfections of their partner.
Now, Europeans are a lot like wolves. I dated a girl when I was in my early 20's who was right off the boat from Poland. She explained to me that in Europe most people are married by their early 20's and usually stay with each other their whole lives.
The reason why Americans have such a hard time living with each other is because we have less worries than other nations. Our standard of living is excellent. Even by our standards of "not making that much money" we're pretty well taken care of. We always have a roof over our head, and all that. With those stresses out of the way, it leaves us with time to notice the attitude on our husband/wife's face when we do something they approve of. And since the American motto seems to be "Get everything you want, always" it sort of conflicts with the institution of marriage, because that type of relationship demands selflessness and compromise. Any observer of American culture will note that those are two attributes that we're not famous for. I've said this before, mental illnesses such as clinical depression, anorexia, and the like are non-existent in third world countries, and were non-existent up until the 20th century. Those illnesses are unique to our culture. What sprouted them? The lack of stresses in our lives. Humans, from the beginning of time had to fight on a daily basis for survival. When the 20th century came along, and things became a lot more easier for us, we had a lot less things to worry about in regards to day to day survival. Due to not having these stresses in our lives anymore, our psyche, through thousands of years of evolution was pretty much designed to handle stress, starts to create it's own stress in the form of said mental illnesses.
So in case you were wondering why us humans need Prozak all of a fucking sudden, there you have it!
We need it because we're not spending our entire days hunting for food, and living hand to mouth.
It's like if you take a guy living in the poorest part of the world in Cambodia or something, then have them win the lottery and throw them into a house in the Hollywood Hills. Sure, they'd appreciate the fact that they don't have have to eat hot dogs made from shit anymore. But they'd never be able to adjust to the luxury. They weren't mentally built for it.
Same thing with marriage. It works best with people who are unique enough to be happy with themselves to begin with?
How many motherfuckers you know that are just all around happy with themselves?
I don't know many either.
My mom and dad certainly never struck me as such. They were miserable before each other, and became comfortable in the quiet desperation of their relationship. Sure they loved each other. But their lives weren't stressed enough, so their brains gave them the stress they needed in the form of depression. It's kinda hard to focus on your partners needs, when you can't handle your own.
Poor mom and dad. Two more victims of modern American divorce syndrome.
Now, I don't care if you're as young as 18 and get married. Sure the odds are stacked up against a successful marriage, but you know what? They don't get that much higher when you grow up. My sister (what a fucking mystery she is...) got married when she was 18, and twenty years, and three kids later she's as happy as can be.
Lot's of people say that you should wait until you're in your thirties to get married, because you're not grown up enough. Shit, if we're not grown up by the time we're 21, than that's just sad...
The ingredients of a happy marriage are two people that don't NEED each other, but WANT each other.
I've had many arguments with friends about the above statement, but it's so fucking true.
"How can you not NEED your husband/wife?"
Well, I don't know, granted, I'm not married. But I do know that you cannot depend on him/her to keep you happy, or even content with yourself. You have to supervise your own emotional well-being. If you look to anyone else to keep you happy, no matter how much they love you, or how much they want to, they'll always fail you.
It's your job to keep you happy, and in a marriage it's your JOB to keep yourself happy AND not interfere with your partner making themself happy.
Life will tell you that if you need anything from anyone, you're fucked. Same is true with a marriage. Too many people get married because they need this, or they need that, and that's just not how it's suppose to be.
As for me, I'm too Americanized to be a good husband at this point in my life. Sure, I've been with women that make me want to change that, but as of yet I haven't.
As of right now, my feelings are more important than anyone elses, and I'd have a hard time letting that part of my character go, and until I do it would be unfair for anyone to get stuck with me.
But I'm a man of adaptability, so I still think there's hope for me yet. But when you have parents that have stayed together for 35 miserable years, you have the fear of that life hanging over you that's not easy to let go of. Like most kids, I don't want to end up like my parents. What I fear more is my son growing up to saying "I don't want to end up like my parents."
There's no more important job that a human can do than be a spouse/parent. Living a life that doesn't revolve around me, me, me is something I'm not accustom to, nor have I been prepared for in my upbringing.
But as any good American, I want a marriage that can revolve around me, me, me. Thankfully I'm aware that that's me, and have probably spared myself the pain of at least one screwy marriage, and messy divorce.
I don't know. All I can recommend is that don't get married if you're not willing to sacrifice yourself happily for your partner.
And don't get married if you're not already content with yourself, because marriage won't fix that.
Just take Prozak, and fill out online diaries when you should be working until God drops something in your lap.