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You know, I'll be honestly frank with you. I lied about having Monkeypox.

I did have a cough, and shortness of breath but it turns it's from smoking 10 packs of cigarettes a day.

Guess that's why I'm not a doctor. I'd diagnose everybody with whatever illness that's being hyped by the media that week.

Like a few months ago it would have been SARS. I don't care what people came to my office complaining about, they'd all have SARS.

I'd be like "I have some bad news for you Ms Suckencock, that rash you have on your's SARS. Sorry to have to tell you this but you're gonna die. First your butt is going to fall off. Stage two will have your eyes pop out of your head from the feces that will now be excreting from your eye sockets. But that's not even the worst of it. The third stage will truly make you a freak. I'm afraid the final stage before you die will have you become left-handed. This in itself isn't fatal, but when people see you using you left hand they will undoubtedly tie you to the nearest car and drag you to a bloody pulp. Any questions?"

SARS is no joke. Just ask CuppaJoe who lives in Toronto and has SARS.

I asked him to describe to what it's like to be living with this affliction. That way our problems will seem small and petty. here's what he had to say....

"Jon, SARS has been the worst thing that has happened to us Torontonians since the Blue Jays. You would think fate has punished this town enough with 11 3/4 months of consistant snow. But no, for some reason we've done something so terrible to be infected with this plague that has our asses falling off, and shit coming out of our eyes. What did we do to deserve this? I mean, was everyone in this town a mass murder in a past life or something? Do you have any idea what it's like having your ass fall off? Could you possibley imagine all the asses that are littering the streets of Toronto? Can you comprehend the emotional imapct it has on you when you're kissing your girlfriend and poop starts dribbling out of your eyes? Can you grasp for one moment how bad the Blue Jays are?"

No Joe, I'm afraid I cannot.

I felt like informing him that SARS can easily be remedied with a full plate of Freedom Fries. But then I remembered he's Canadian and would probably blow up eating something so patriotic, the commie bastard.


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