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My fellow Americans....

Did anybody see the president's speach last night?


It was about 2% speaking, and 98% clapping.

Everytime the president farted, he got a standing ovation.

Damn I wish I was president.

Here's a transcript of my state of the union address, if I were the man.

"Dear Americans...what's going on?(standing ovation)

It has come to my attention (standing ovation)that an act of war (standing ovation)has been declared against the United (standing ovation)States (standing ovation)

I have talked the situation over with my staff. (standing ovation)Including Secretary of Defence- 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, (standing ovation)Secretary of State- Old Dirty Bastard,(standing ovation) and Attorney General- Iggy Pop.(standing ovation and mosh pit)

We have come to the conclusion (standing ovation)to effectively get these fucking handjobs. (standing ovation)We need to get absolutely, STUPID on their wack asses. (standing ovation)The coarse of action shall be to track down, (standing ovation)capture, (standing ovation)torture, mame, (standing ovation)skin, (standing ovation)and eat those responsible. (Dead silence)

And if that wasn't enough, we'll hurt their feelings as well!(standing ovation)

Make no mistake about it people....Osama bin Laden is deader than a white boy listening to The Osmonds on a boom box, while walking down a street in Harlem at 2 in the morning!(standing ovation)

He's got as much of a chance of surviving the week, as Madonna has of having a successful marriage.(standing ovation)

May God bless America! (standing ovation)

*Fart (standing ovation)



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