Review of "Sweet Home Alabama" and Cheryl's diary
I'll continue with the Girls Gone Wild saga soon. I swear on Robert Blake's daughter's eyeballs! I just need write about the latest thing that happened to me before my brain blocks it out, then we'll return to the horror show....
So Cheryl invites me over for "a movie." On a good day I could pick up that when she tries to hide the name of the movie, instead, just addressing it as "a movie", I can be damn sure that it's not something I'm gonna want to see.
Her tactic is to get me there in hope that I'll just sit through the film out of complete laziness.
Well, I lasted about 8 minutes through "Sweet Homo Alabama" before I took off like I was sleeping with my cousin and the condom broke.
(Any connection between that incest joke, and the reference to Alabama are purely coincidental)
I've talked about how, if you're not careful, girls you're friends with will not only think of you as their gay friend, they'll down right treat you like a Ken doll.
I would have felt more manly if I was sitting on a couch with these two wearing a skirt, and talking about our favorite tampon. I could actually feel my nipples begin to leak milk.
Speaking of nipples, I made damn sure to blow out of there before Matthew McConaughey showed his stupid self.
Who is this fucking guy? He always has that stupid ass, smug grin that he couldn't wipe off his face if he was watching his mother being raped.
It's as if he's always thinking "girls think I'm so cute!"
Hey, girls think I'm cute too, pal. It doesn't give you a license to suck! Write in a internet diary like a real man!
Anyways, like I said, I could only stand through 8 minutes of this crap. My biggest problem with the film, is that everyone in it didn't die and get sent to Hell where they'd be burning in lava for all eternity. How's that for character development?
While I'm on a roll here, ripping apart my friends for trying to be nice to me, I'd like to announce that dear old Cheryl, who has become a regular in my diary, has plans to start her own diary on Diaryland.
She's gonna' call it "Bitter Betty." I, for one can't wait. that's why I'm gonna give everybody a sneak peak into this future diary....
"I met this really nice guy today. His name is Poop Finger Pete. He seems like a really nice fellow. He's got a tattoo on his neck that says 'LSD" and he lives under someone's porch. Jon says that he doesn't think I should go out with him, but that's just Jon. He expects everyone to be perfect.
"Poop Finger Pete did the sweetest thing for me today! I came home from work at 5:30pm and saw him passed out drunk on my living room floor, covered in his own puke and shit. At the emergency room he told me that he missed me so much when I was at work, he had to sell my TV and get loaded to ease the pain. Could a girl be any luckier?"
"I took Poop Finger Pete to meet my mom. He threw up on her while shaking her hand. He felt so embarassed, he took off his Megadeth T-Shirt and tried to help clean it off her. He's so thoughtful. The good news is, is that Poop Finger Pete said he liked my mom."
"I came home from work today to find Poop Finger Pete having sex with 2 prostitutes that he paid for with MY credit card! At first I was mad. Then he pointed out how selfish I was being. It's so easy to get mad at someone over these things without stopping to look at why he's doing it. Poop Finger Pete explained to me that being in a relationship with someone he loves so much is scary, and because of that he does things to intentionaly screw things up because of his fear of intimacy. He says I need to stop thinking of myself as the only one who's feelings were hurt. He says that it hurted him to have sex with those two prostitutes more than I'll ever know. He's still kinda' mad at me, and said he doesn't want to speak with me for a while. I think I'll send him a card telling him how sorry I am for reacting to what I saw without getting his side of the story first."
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!!! I'm so freggin' happy! Poop Finger Pete asked me to sell my car and loan him $15,000. He hinted that he's gonna buy me a wedding ring! OH MY GOD, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!!! His exact words to me were 'Hey, sell your car and gimme $15,000. I need to buy some dope.' I'M SO EXCITED I COULD SCREAM!!!!!!"
"I haven't heard from Poop Finger Pete since I sold my car and lent him $15,000 to buy me a wedding ring. Ugh, looks like another instance where you think you found the one, only to find out he's actually a loser. Why can't I just find a nice guy that has a tattoo on his neck, that lives under someone's porch? Is that too much to ask? Men...."
I'm kidding, I love you Cheryl.