GJ is your guide to Survivor.
Well the names of the new suckers that will be part of the latest installment of the hit TV series "Survivor" has been identified.
You know, that show where they take a bunch of crybaby Americans, and put them in the most dangerous places in the world? All the while playing games like "which team can make the best signal call to a passing airplane." As if mocking the danger they're NOT in.
Arrr, Tis' sad times. In days of yore, our fore-fathers would be entertained at a coliseum between gladiators pitted against each other, or wild beasts!
Today they entertain the masses with "Richard, the fat, naked fag..." How droll........
Anyways, compatriats, without futher ado...I give you our gladiators of Survivor!!!
1)Brandon Quinton: 25-year-old bartender from Dallas. He's gay, but was once married.
***Enter the token gay guy. These reality shows are so horny for sticking a bunch of people either locked in a house, or out in the middle of nowhere with a homosexual. Kinda' like when you were at a high school party, and you'd throw the nerdiest kid in the closet with the school slut. Same concept here.
2) Carl Bilancione: 46-year-old marathon-running dentist from Winter Park, Fla. Married 21 years with two children.
***A marathon runner, dentist? This is obviously the boring guy that'll get thrown off first.
3)Clarence Black: 24-year-old high school basketball coach from Detroit.
***This is more like it. If you can survive being a basketball coach in Detroit, this should be pretty easy.
4)Diane Ogden: 42-year-old postal carrier from Lincoln, Neb. Twice divorced.
***Who's gonna' fuck with a postal worker? My prediction is she's gonna' drive people to vote themselves off the Island.
5)Ethan Zohn: 27-year-old soccer-playing, vegetarian Vassar graduate.
*** Representing MTV, and all it's braindead viewers will be Ethan. I'm voting for Ethan to be the most likely to be caught sharring a hammock with Brandon.(token gay guy)
6)Franklin Garrison: 43-year-old Dutch-born telephone technician from Odessa, N.Y. Wife Polly is pregnant.
*** Wife Polly is gonna' show up on that island and drag Franklin's ass back to New York to help with that baby he helped make. That's my prediction.
7)Jessie Camacho: 27-year-old kickboxing deputy sheriff from Orlando, Fla. Has worn the crown of "Miss Puerto Rico, Orlando."
*** What the fuck is "Miss Puerto Rico, Orlando?" I know what Ms. Puerto Rico is. I know what Ms. Orland is. But what the fuck is "Miss Puerto Rico, Orlando?" I mean, pick a geographic location that you're "Ms." of! You can't have two places! That's like having "Ms America, Turkey" Anyways, if she really is a kickboxer, she can be whatever she wants. My prediction is she's gonna' spend her days beating up monkeys.
8)Kelly Goldsmith: 22-year-old behavior research analyst from Rancho Sante Fe, Calif. Hobbies include, in her own words, "lifting weights, crocheting, and manipulating men."
*** Well Kelly, if you like researching behaviors so much, you should have a field day on this trip. From her stating that one of her hobbies is "manipulating men" she's undoubtingly gonna' be the slut of the group. I can just imagine the guys she's been with that have actually made her believe that SHE'S manipulating THEM. (Kelly's lover)"OH BOY! How did I let you give me oral sex. You're so manipulating me, yes you are! Damn you Kelly!"
I predict that Tarzan will kidnap her and feed her to his lion friends.
9)Kim Johnson (Kim J.): 57-year-old retired elementary schoolteacher from Oyster Bay, N.Y.
***Oh yeah. She's got a BIG chance to win this. We all know how athletic them elementary school teachers are. Especially them 57-year-old, retirees. I predict someone signed Kim J. up as a joke (probably her husband) and she doesn't even know she's going yet. She'll probably be crying so much that the host of the show will beat her to death.
10) Kimberly Powers (Kim P.): 29-year-old free-lance marketer from Conshohocken, Pa.
*** There is little doubt in my mind that this is really John Powers in drag.
11) Lex van den Berghe: 38-year-old tattooed drummer from Santa Cruz, Calif. Married with two sons.
*** Lex became a drummer because he was under the impression that the job pays millions of dollars. So he met a girl, impressed with his finacial prospects, they decided to get married. Lex proceeds to get many tattoos in anticipation for the signing and world tour of his band, The Butt Plug Babies. While Mr. and Mrs. Van Den Berghe wait for a dumptruck to pull up to their house and dump $100 bills on them, they have a couple of babies of their own. Eight years pass, dumptruck never shows, The Butt Plug Babies remain unsigned, Lex is unemployed because he "can't find a job in his field", Mrs. Van Den Berghe puts gun to his head and makes him join this. I predict that Lex will win the whole sha-bang! I also predict that he'll spend the $1,000,000 on cocaine, booze and hookers, before his plane reaches The States.
12)Linda Spencer: 44-year-old cancer survivor who works at Harvard University. Has spent two summers living in Africa with no running water.
*** I know people who live in apartments in New York with no running water. AND THEY PAY $2,000 A MONTH TO DO IT!!!! I predict we'll see her drinking and bathing in her own urine.
13) Lindsey Richter: 27-year-old former ad exec from Portland, Ore.
*** I fucked her...
14)Silas Gaither: 23-year-old wannabe actor from Tennessee who now tends bar in Los Angeles.
*** Shouldn't this guy be on "Big Brother"? I mean, those Hollywood actor types aren't known for their ruggedness and survival skills. I think this guy has no interest in the game, and is just using this as a stepping stone for Hollywood fame. I predict he'll be following around the camera crew all day, trying to get as much on air time as possible. I also predict a rhino will eat his butt off.
15) Teresa Cooper: 43-year-old flight attendant/real-estate agent from Jackson, Ga. Once ran a marathon when she was nine months pregnant. Married with two children.
*** If that's true, she's not human. Woman who are nine months prego can't walk, much less run a marathon. I think she's a space alien. I predict that she'll chase people arond trying to bite their heads off and eat their brains. She won't be able to catch anybody, because she's still pregnant (on her 43rd month)
16)Tom Buchanan: 46-year-old goat and cattle rancher from Virginia. An avid hunter, he is known as "Big Tom" to his friends. Married with one son.
*** I wonder what "Big Tom" is gonna' think of the "token gay guy"? Betcha' he don't like dem' queers! It also says that he has one son. How much you want to bet his mother's a goat? I predict "Big Tom" will cheat on his goat/wife with a gorilla, and he'll give a tearful confession on camera.
I also predict the show will suck Geraldo Rivera's hairy nuts!