And for my next trick.....
I put an ad up on a local webpage seeking a guitarist. Here is the ad and the one of the correspondence I had with one lucky individual.
Signed band needs guitar player pronto!!!!!!
Band out of Hartford needs guitar player pronto! Just signed a 5 record deal with Sony Music Corp. Must be willing to tour!!!!! Will be leaving for European tour in early January, after that we will be touring North America and beyond. We expect to be doing very little other than touring in 2002/2003 so if you have doubts about that please don't waste our time. Hoping to have spot filled by early Nov. Our songs are NOT that difficult, if you know your way around the guitar, that's good enough. Not looking for Steve Vai. We're more interested in someone that can handle the touring life. Our album is already finished, you'll be coming on doing videos (to be shot in December) touring, playing festivals, ect. If you even have the slightest doubt, PLEASE, don't respond. All others email me ASAP and we'll talk.
*Reply from Andy R.
-"What is the name of the band and what kind of music is it?"
**Genghis Jon
-"Pretty fucking direct aren't we Andy? Not even a 'Hi, I'm Andy'? That's OK. I'm a prick too sometimes. The name of the band is called The Vomit Within. We're a Rap-Core group, along the lines of Bizcut and Korn.
*Andy R.
-"Sorry dude, didn't mean to seem rude. I've played guitar for 14 years. Mostly metal and hardcore. How can I set up a try out?"
**Genghis Jon
-"You can set up a try out by asking me to set one up for you. Or, you can try to score some points with the man that can make you a rock star by asking about his fucking band. You're call.
*Andy R.
-"Sorry I seem so rude bro. Long day at work. I wanted to ask you about the group. I'm also from Hartford but never heard or Vomit from Within. Were've you guys played. Are you really signed to Sony? That's fucking awesome. I'd love to be a part of that, and touring is my life. See you bro.
**Genghis Jon
-"Andy, you're a gentleman and a scholar. The way you describe the business relationship between the Sony International Music Corp, and the associates in the group, with the whimsical phrase of "fucking awesome" just melts my heart away. There isn't a poet, cleric, intellect, artist, or wiseman on this rock we call Earth that could of summed up our partnership with Sony in such perfect, yet tender words. What Ivy League College sprouted you, prey tell? Anyways, we didn't get a record deal by being a bunch of jerkoffs playing shitty Hartford clubs. We've mostly played NYC, Boston, and Providence. The Vomit from Within formed just nine months ago, and from hard work alone we got the attention of one of the biggest record companies out there. Pretty "fucking awesome" indeed, ay Andy? I have a question for you, Slash. How do you feel about publicity stunts?
*Andy R.
"Dude what the fuck was that? I'm just trying to get a relationship here. That's why I thought it'd be good to come down and you can see me play.
What do you mean publicity stunts/
**Genghis Jon
"Andy, I do not know what you're looking for, but I can assure you that you need to look for relationships elsewhere. I'm looking for a guitar player. If you're looking for a palsy'-walsy' join Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Bullshit aside, we need a guitar player PRONTO! I talked to 7 people via email today and voted them all out before even meeting them. That means you're in the front for consideration. As long as you can play guitar like an average 8 year old, love touring, and are into the publicity stunt I was talking about, you could be our new member by Monday! So I gotta' know you're interested in this, before I tell you what the stunt is. You have to assure me that so far you are 110% into being in this band. Assure me that in your next email and I'll lay it on you. Hope this email was affectionate enough for you.
*Andy R.
Dude you're fucking rough. But I'm you're guy. I've been on 2 tours in my life and love to play. I'm sure once you hear me play you'll know I'm the one. So yeah I'm 110% into making this happen. No matter what you tell me I'll be on board.
**Genghis Jon
How about if I tell you I'm banging your mom? You "on board" for that Andy? Just kidding. OK, so we're got a publicity stunt that we agreed to do that was concocted by the folks over at Sony. They agreed to sign us if we agreed to do this stunt. Pretty much what this consists of is, we're gonna' have a show sometime next year whenever our first single is out. What's gonna' happen at this show, and what we're hiring you to do is this. You're going to come down with cancer and fake your death. After this happens, you'll be relocated to a remote village in India. You'll have NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER with the outside world. Not you're girlfriend, not your friends, not your mother. (but she'll be well taken care of. *smooch) During this time, the band will get publicity out of our ass! We will hold a press conference and declare that 'although The Vomit from Within will never be the same, we believe Andy would have wanted us to go on.' During this time we'll be putting out songs dedicated to the loving memory of Andy, and hold exclusive interviews about the Andy we knew. After 5 to 7 years we you'll come out of hiding, claiming that you needed to fake your own death because the fame was too much. You''ll rejoin the band, and the popularity this will bring will be enormous! I won't kid you when I say that during your time in India, it'll suck bigtime. You'll be spending your day with filthy water, no electricity, and minimal food. While the rest of us tour the world, getting rich, living off the success that you brought to us. So that's the deal. If you're too much of a pussy, don't even bother writing back. We'll get someone else. I already had 2 people turn me down. But if you're really willing to do anything, here's your fucking chance.
*Andy R.
hat sounds pretty crazy. I don't even think I know where India is. Is it really that bad? Will I get paid while I'm in India? I can't make that decision right now, can I get together with you guys and we'll talk? I think I will do it though.
**Genghis Jon
-"You're too little too late Andy. I just got an email from a kid who's from India that has no problems meeting our demands. A little advice, next time someone offers you a winning lottery ticket, don't stand there with your finger up your ass. Take the ticket and ask questions later. I have to go be a famous rock star now. You have a nice life working at Jiffy Lube as well. Try not to kick yourself too hard when you see us on MTV. Tata....
*Andy R.
- "ASSHOLE. WHEN I FUCKING FIND YOU, AND I WILL FIND YOU, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OUT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. TRUST ME, I WILL FUCKING GET YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
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