Walmart moves to my neighborhood.
So I went to Planetfeedback.com and sent the following letter to Walmart.
Dear Mr. Walmart.
Hello, my name is Tony Deniro and I live in New Britain, Ct.
You are soon to be opening up a Walmart in my neighborhood.
Myself, and a my friends Joe, Paul, Jack, Pedro, and Brown Finger Charlie are excited about having you as our new neighbor.
You guys have some of the best toilet paper around!
I usually tell my wife Margaret to cool it with the toilet paper.
She's a toilet paper hog.
It's not her fault though, she has a larger than average behind. Stretching almost over two and a half feet last time I measured.
She can use a whole roll in one session, I kid you not!
But since we've been getting our TP from your shop at your fantastic prices, I let her have her fun.
She's one happy lady.LOL ;)
Anyways, however much I'd like to talk about my wife's ass, and what she wipes with it.... I'm afraid I have business to discuss with you.
Ok, so the other mourning I was at Dunkin Donuts that's located right next to the soon-to-be Butt Wiper Market (Walmart)
I go there every mourning to get a small French Vanilla, light and sweet.
The little Native American girl there keeps fucking that up.
Always giving me a large with sweet n' low, and 2% milk.
Nice looking chic, with tiny titties. Looks a little like Pocohontas, I'd like to give her a poke myself, LOL ;)
But stupid as the day is long.
I don't know who let these people into our country to be honest with you, but that's another letter.
Anyways, one day I was waiting in line, when a bunch (maybe 15) employees of the new Walmart marched in like they owned the place.
I turned around and said "Ay, you guys working next door?"
Not one of them replied. They all stared back at me with this glazed look in there eye....
Then I continued, "Ay, I'm talking to you"
Still, none of these retards replied.
Then I finally said "What's the matter with you people from Walmart?"
After I said "Walmart" all hell broke loose.
They seemed to open there eyes wide, and started clapping their hands, screaming "WAL-MART, WAL-MART, WAAAAAALLLL-MART!"
Over and over again, it was "WAL-MART, WAL-MART, WAAAAAALLLL-MART!"
About ten of them made a circle around me, while the other five were doing other crazy shit.
One was flopping around on the floor like a fucking fish out of water. Another one was masturbating in the corner, moaning "waaaalllll-marrttt, OOOOHHH, waaaaallllll-marrrrttttt" with drool coming out of his mouth, it was DISGUSTING!
The circle around me kept getting louder and louder with their "WAL-MART, WAL-MART, WAAAAAALLLL-MART!"
I kept screaming at them to shut up, but they wouldn't listen.
Sitting Stupid Eagle, or whatever the hell the girl's name is behind the counter, she started freaking out throwing bagels at your employees, as if they were tomahawks.
Meanwhile I put my hands on my ears because their crazy chant was driving me nuts.
That's when one of those sonabitches' came up from behind me and pulled down my slacks.
Now, because I don't change my underwear until after I drank my first cup of coffee (for personal reasons) I found myself standing in the middle of Dunkin Donuts, surrounded by WAl-Mart employees chanting at me, while I'm standing in my dirty underwear.
So my question is, when will this new Walmart be open, and will it sell green towels?
Thank you for your time.
"waaaalllll-marrttt, OOOOHHH, waaaaallllll-marrrrttttt"
Dear Mr. Deniro
Our New Britain, Ct store will be open on Oct. 23rd.
On a side note, we're happy to answer any and all of your concerns about Walmart related issues. We pride ourselves on our customer service.
That said, it is hurtful to us when we receive emails mocking our commitment to service and to the customer.
We would very much appreciate leaving out the foul language next time.
I look forward to any more requests on how Wal-Mart can serve you in the future.
Director of Public Relations
Dear Derby Walmart,
DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING GREEN TOWELS!!!!