TV Zero: hey, you could interview me. it'd be great if we could figure out a way to do it to make us both appear like studs

Genghis Jon: yeah, good idea

Genghis Jon: Let's try it!

TV Zero: ready when you are

TV Zero: how's the new bass?

Genghis Jon: So Jon, now I know you don't mention this in your diary, but I have sources that tell me you are banging twin lesbian sisters. Do you deny this???

Genghis Jon: they're not twins, but the rest is true

Genghis Jon: So you're saying I'm a liar???

Genghis Jon: Nevermind

TV Zero: i'm saying your sources are fucked, and you're a complete nipple for employing them

Genghis Jon: Next question

Genghis Jon: We all know that you use the "woe-is-I, can't find a lover" approcoach to getting tail. I must say, you use it masterfully! Anyways, my question is...does your wife ever catch you on the internet? How about your kids?

TV Zero: one time little sally logged into my AIM account. that was funny. little peter just checks out my porn. he likes the girls that are shaved. my wife is too busy orally pleasuring the neighbors gardener to notice. but her mom is not that thrilled about.

TV Zero: and i did this neat trick with dog and some peanut butter, but you didn't really ask about that.

Genghis Jon: Hahaha, isn't it funny how all these chics think we're a couple of single, young guys? Man, if they ever saw a picture of what we looked like, they'd think we were the geratol brothers!

TV Zero: did you get that extra viagara i sent your way? ever since i became a granddad the little soldier just hasn't been salutin' like he used to. i thought you should try it out yourself.

Genghis Jon: Try it out? Shiiiiiiiit, when that stuff hit my weenie, it was like an a-bomb. I was digging into Margaret so hard, her personal part was smoking!

Genghis Jon: Anyways, next question.

Genghis Jon: I'm sure my readers would vert much like to know this, so I'd appreciate it if you can give me a serious answer.

Genghis Jon: Ready?

TV Zero: Shoot

Genghis Jon: And I know I spelled VERY wrong

Genghis Jon: "shoot"?

Genghis Jon: What are you a Saprano?

Genghis Jon: Hey, look at TV ZERO Saprano over here!!

TV Zero: You gotta problem wit dat?

TV Zero: Forgetaboutit!

Genghis Jon: See, you got distracted. You can't do that Jon. Now, have you settled down enough to answer a question?

TV Zero: just ask the damn question already, christ

Genghis Jon: Stop trying to ruin my interview.

Genghis Jon: Ok.

TV Zero: I haven't been this upset at an interview since Barbara Walters was all over my junk

Genghis Jon: Next question

Genghis Jon: Jon, how come I've never been quoted?

TV Zero: What a great question

TV Zero: And i do have an answer for you

Genghis Jon: Don't kid yourself, I feed all the questions in Walter''s ear when she's doing an interview.

TV Zero: Yeah, she mentioned that - plus that idea you had about the three of us, but let's save that for off the record

Genghis Jon: Whooooooo. TV Zero takes controll of the board!

Genghis Jon: If you don't answer the question in 3 seconds, I'm going to assume you're a homo.

Genghis Jon: 3

Genghis Jon: 2

Genghis Jon: 1

Genghis Jon: HOMO!

Genghis Jon: Next question.

TV Zero: On why you've never been quoted - because the people that get quoted are easily compacted into neat little soundbytes. You however are beyond neat little quips. Your words drip with subtext and to separate them out from an entry would be like taking the liver out of a person or the coke away from Robert Downey Jr.

TV Zero: Homo

Genghis Jon: That was beautiful. So you don't think it has anything to do with the fact that I spell everything wrong, and curse like a druken sailor?

TV Zero: I told the producers i would not be addressing your spelling

TV Zero: But my mother swears worse than you

TV Zero: But then, she's never been quoted either

TV Zero: And i thought you would figure i was a homo because of that one night when you, fadein, and i were in 'nam and couldn't afford the hooker... but whatever.

Genghis Jon: Is it true that your mother named you after me, and that she's a HUGE fan of genghis-jon.diaryland.com?

Genghis Jon: Well since you brought it up, what's up with that Fadein guy?

TV Zero: While she is a huge fan, the sad truth is, is that since i am in fact older than you, it was your mohter who named you after me. Which seemed only fitting since i just finished...oh, Fadein?

TV Zero: Bill was actually killed by the separatists back in November and was replaced by a robot with the brain of a monkey

TV Zero: Monkeys are always funny

TV Zero: Bill is always funny

TV Zero: Tell me i'm lying

Legitamo: I'm trying....but I can't!

TV Zero: I think the robot was programmed by a midget too, but i'm not sure

Genghis Jon: That's a good point, because not only are monkeys funny, they try to be funny. Same with Bill.

TV Zero: This whole moving to california thing he keeps referencing in his diary is just a ploy to phase him out slowly, because if he were to abruptly leave, the entire whole of diaryland would implode on itself, and then where would we be

Genghis Jon: I think it's weird that a man has an on-line diary. I mean, you and I pull it off. But Billl just doesn't. He looks like a 9 year old girl-monkey.

Genghis Jon: Jon?

TV Zero: Yes sir

Genghis Jon: What's you favorite color?

TV Zero: Gray, like my chest hair

Genghis Jon: WRONG!!!!!!!!NEXT QUESTION!

TV Zero: Damn it

TV Zero: I always get that one wrong

TV Zero: It's blue isn't it

Genghis Jon: You update lots. Is writing a release for you? Would you still write if/when Andrew goes to jail?

TV Zero: Oh, andrew isn't going to jail. i took care of that little problem. We won't be hearing from that 12 year olds parents anymore

TV Zero: But writing is a release

TV Zero: Ever since I retired and created the whole "tvzero" persona, i feel that people just really want to see this guy update a lot. I also get the sense they want to see him naked.

TV Zero: I know i do.

TV Zero: The way i've written him, he's hung like a hungarian donkey

Legitamo: A well-HUNGarian donkey, I'm sure.

TV Zero: And like my mother always says, "women like big dicks."

Genghis Jon: Yes, I see...."BIG" you say?

TV Zero: She actually has it crocheted on a pillow

TV Zero: God rest her soul

Genghis Jon: Wow, this interview is going great.

Genghis Jon: Next question

Genghis Jon: Do you believe that there really is one little guy up there in Canada named "Andrew?" Or do you think "Andrew" is a large evil corporation, funded by the CIA?

TV Zero: It's not funded by the CIA...

TV Zero: But A.N.D.R.E.W. or Anachranists Needing Diary Read Else Warfar, is a for-profit organization looking to get 13 year old girls to enlist.

Legitamo: DUDE!

TV Zero: The organization wrecks bridges, and robs banks, and kicks puppies, and released the movie "Glitter."

TV Zero: And i'm here to expose the TRUTH!

Genghis Jon: I was just trying to come up with an anagram for "Andrew" but couldn't. Is there any wonder why I sing your name to the masses?

Genghis Jon: Me too, the TRUTH DAMNIT! We want the TRUTH!!!

TV Zero: If it makes you feel better, I spelled warfare wrong

TV Zero: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

Genghis Jon: HA!

Genghis Jon: Excuse me.

TV Zero: Hey that's weird someone's at my door

TV Zero: Who could it be at this hour?

Genghis Jon: So, how different is Jon from "TV Zero"?

Genghis Jon: At your door?

Genghis Jon: CALL THE POLICE!

TV Zero: Just some girl selling cookies

TV Zero: I like thin mints

Genghis Jon: Sicko!

TV Zero: As i've said, TVZERO is a complete fabrication. I don't think there is anyone that whiny or pretentious in real life.

Genghis Jon: Ut-hem!

Genghis Jon: I don't believe you. Is there anyway you can prove that?

TV Zero: Prove what?

Genghis Jon: That TVZERO is a fabrication of Jon.

Genghis Jon: Can I post your phone number so my readers can call you and judge for themselves?

TV Zero: But what if one of the kids answers?

TV Zero: Okay, okay, it's true, you're right - i am real.

Genghis Jon: Give 'em a script, I dunno?

Genghis Jon: Now you're just trying to be J-Lo

Genghis Jon: "I'm real...."

TV Zero: Oh, I thought you meant cause of all the junk in my trunk...

TV Zero: By the way, what "ut-hem?"

Genghis Jon: That too.

Genghis Jon: You said "i don't think there is anyone that whiny or pretentious in real life." and I replyed "ut-hem!"

TV Zero: But if you replied "ballz neal" it would have made as much sense

TV Zero: Okay, I have a question for you.

Genghis Jon: I don't work in the "making sense" department Jon. You need to do your shopping elsewhere if that's what you want

Genghis Jon: A question for moi?

Genghis Jon: Well, that might be breaking the rules here, but what the hell!

Genghis Jon: "shoot!'

LegitGenghis Jon: *giggle

TV Zero: You have 107 people listing you as a favorite, I have 74 - do you think it's because I simply don't bring the rock as much as you? Don't you think it's just completely wrong, especially when nipples like uncle Bob and Perceptions have like small countries listing them as favorites.

TV Zero: By the way, do you like the way i keep using "nipple" as an insult? You see, I was a communications major, and that shows i can communicate.

Genghis Jon: I do agree that you should have much, much higher followers than you do. I think the problem lies in the ego factor. You're score about a C- in that area. Think, most of Diaryland are females. All females LOVE assholes. 2 + 2 equals WHAT, TV ZERO?

Genghis Jon: Big deal, even mokeys can communicate (Hi Bill!)

Genghis Jon: *monkeys

Genghis Jon: If I don't here from you in 30 seconds, I'm gonna take my name off my favorites list.

TV Zero: sorry

TV Zero: I had to go to the bathroom

TV Zero: I just pissed all over myself, i could have done that in my office

Genghis Jon: What, no laptop?

TV Zero: not yet, but someday

TV Zero: and if any of your readers want to send me one...

TV Zero: HAHHAHHA

TV Zero: monkeys

Genghis Jon: I'm sure they will Jon, I'm sure they will...

Genghis Jon: Monkeys are funny, no?

TV Zero: yeah

TV Zero: sorry

TV Zero: i got a little carried away there

Genghis Jon: Did you ever see a monkey dance?

TV Zero: my monkey dances every night

Legitamo: Man, it's too much!

TV Zero: i say "dance monkey! dance!"

Genghis Jon: Your monkey does???

TV Zero: and then he gets upset and spits at me

TV Zero: oh, we don't have a monkey as penis metaphor going on here?

TV Zero: sorry

Genghis Jon: WAIT! C'mon, Zero, I need to establish myself as a serious interviewer and you're not helping. Enough with the monkeys!

TV Zero: okay

TV Zero: got it

TV Zero: i'm all serious now

TV Zero: call me dr. serious

Genghis Jon: You're my very first interview and I can't screw this up!

TV Zero: i just fell into a big old bucket of serious, that's how serious i am

Genghis Jon: Ok, next question....

Genghis Jon: What do you think is funnier, a monkey or a chimp???

TV Zero: hhhahahahahahahahahahah

TV Zero: monkey

TV Zero: hahahahha

Genghis Jon: The two of them together are to DIE for!

Genghis Jon: hahahaha

TV Zero: chimp

TV Zero: hahahaha

Genghis Jon: Monkey

TV Zero: oh god stop it

Genghis Jon: Let's chant "Mon-key" together, alright?

Genghis Jon: Mon-key!

TV Zero: yeah, i'm sitting in my office chanting monkey right now

Genghis Jon: HAHAHAHAHAAH!

Genghis Jon: Those silly monkeys!

Genghis Jon: Anyways....

Genghis Jon: Enough "MONKEY BUSINESS"

Genghis Jon: There are things about you that my readers need to hear, and I'm the only one that's going to get it out of you, so let's go to work...

TV Zero: okay

Legitamo: Would you ever date a chic you met in diaryland? (My readers are 100% prime A quality, fine American ass!)

Genghis Jon: wait

Genghis Jon: Let's say you met a girl

Genghis Jon: started chatting

Genghis Jon: started phoning

Genghis Jon: than wanted you to meet her,

Genghis Jon: COULD YOU DO IT JON! Are you man enough to satisfy a "Diaryland chic (tm)"????

TV Zero: of course

TV Zero: and let's not forget the fine canadian diaryland booty either

Genghis Jon: All right, I'm gonna' walk over THAT one

Genghis Jon: But yeah, Canadian booty is pretty damn good.

Genghis Jon: But, as a fellow male diarist, I do feel a little weird bridging the gap between internet reality, and real-life reality. How many Diarylanders have you met in the flesh?

TV Zero: let me see, counting, going backwards from...most recent being... yes, that would be none.

Genghis Jon: I see

Genghis Jon: Why not?

TV Zero: honestly, i would feel like a freak for suggesting it. and the ones i would've let that slide for don't live in my city

TV Zero: surprisingly, i can only think of one diarylander offhand that i read that lives in my city.

TV Zero: and she went out with a friend of mine, so i just don't have an interest there

Genghis Jon: You live in quite the mecca. I can't believe that?

Genghis Jon: I live in CT, and I met 3 or 4....

TV Zero: i'm sure there are lots out here - i mean LA is the second biggest city in North America

TV Zero: i just don't read them

TV Zero: i have talked to a couple girls on the phone

Genghis Jon: Ok, so let's talk about being a nice guy, because you are, and maybe I can learn something. Does it frusterate you that you're a niceguy, and the drunk-ass, beating his hot blonde girlfriend football player type always gets the girl?

TV Zero: yes, yes i do. i just think i need to learn how to get in touch with my inner asshole.

Genghis Jon: What's the first largest city in North America?

TV Zero: NYC

TV Zero: population wise

Genghis Jon: The 3rd?

TV Zero: chicago

Genghis Jon: 4th?

TV Zero: what am i an almanac?

TV Zero: san francisco and seattle

TV Zero: i'm just making this up right now

Genghis Jon: the 53rd?

TV Zero: springfield

TV Zero: i forget which state

Genghis Jon: Alright. Tell me something you don't talk about on your diary..

TV Zero: well if i wouldn't talk about it in my diary...

Genghis Jon: Ever kill a hooker?

TV Zero: not lately

TV Zero: i have been arrested five times though

Genghis Jon: REALLY!

Genghis Jon: Do tell....

TV Zero: never tried

TV Zero: but arrested

TV Zero: 1) shoplifting - comic books when i was 12

Genghis Jon: I'll take it.

TV Zero: 2) shoplifting - cigarettes when i was 14

Genghis Jon: Holy crap! You?

TV Zero: 3) hit and run accident (i was the one that hit and run)

TV Zero: 4) indecent exposure (in my defense - i had to pee)

Genghis Jon: HA!

Genghis Jon: I love it!

Genghis Jon: MORE!

TV Zero: 5) not sure what the charge was - but it involved my friend shitting in a bag, my other friend telling a 7-11 guy that he found shit in his bag of chips, and me videotaping it

TV Zero: that one is a much longer story

Genghis Jon: You guys were "Jackass" before there was one.

Genghis Jon: No offense...

TV Zero: jackass always makes me miss my friends back home

Genghis Jon: Jon, when I was 14 I knew I had to play an instrument. Guy+guitar=chics. I couldn't ever understand why anyone wouldn't. Help me understand...

Genghis Jon: i don't know

Genghis Jon: even the guys that play flute seem to get some trim

TV Zero: i was instantly 10x hotter when i was playing guitar

Genghis Jon: Did you play guitar?

Genghis Jon: I didn't know that.

TV Zero: yeah

TV Zero: in high school

TV Zero: some college

TV Zero: i wasn't very good

Genghis Jon: Ok, I feel better.

TV Zero: i picked up a guitar the other day and i forgot most of the chords.

TV Zero: it's my understanding people know more than three. is that true?

Genghis Jon: You seem to be one of the very, very few people that never exposed themself in photogenic form in there diary. Why is that?

Genghis Jon: More than three? No, not if you're in a punk band.

TV Zero: i haven't found a decent picture of myself that i want the world to see

TV Zero: i've e-mailed my pic to a couple people

TV Zero: right now, i got a really bad haircut and i look like a peasant from medieval times

Genghis Jon: [email protected]

TV Zero: how come your hotmail is different from your AIM?

Genghis Jon: I here that's big in paris right now.

TV Zero: yeah, but french people suck

Genghis Jon: I wanted to say "le-jit-a-mo" but I can't spell things that are real words, much less ones I'm making up...

Genghis Jon: yeah, true....HEY WAIT!

TV Zero: legitamo sounds like a very supervillainy type name

Genghis Jon: (bows)

Genghis Jon: that's not too far off.

TV Zero: i am legitamo and i have come to tie your woman to train tracks and eat your babies and destroy metropolis with my magic ray

Genghis Jon: But stay away from drugs, kids...

TV Zero: right

TV Zero: and if it makes you feel any better, two of my arrests were during the drug years

Genghis Jon: I got the name from one time when I was at a bar and a dude was axing me why I wasn't drinking

Genghis Jon: He dubbed me that.

Genghis Jon: OK, what drugs were you doing out there in Wisconsin? Huffing gas?

TV Zero: it was nebraska and mostly it was speed

TV Zero: with pot and acid mixed in for ambiance

Genghis Jon: Lovely, what king of speed? Black beauties?

TV Zero: white crosses i think

TV Zero: but i remember them being blue, which i thought was funny

Genghis Jon: Yeah, I'm glad I'm drug free (takes a drag off cigarette)

Genghis Jon: Funny like a monkey?

TV Zero: hahahahahaa

TV Zero: you said you'd quit doing that

Genghis Jon: aHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Genghis Jon: ...sorry...

Genghis Jon: Send me a pic of you so I can make fun of you now.

TV Zero: i'm at work

TV Zero: i don't have pics of me just lying around

Genghis Jon: Press your face against a scanner

TV Zero: that's bullshit

TV Zero: sent

(AFTER RECEIVING PICS)

Genghis Jon: Which is you?

TV Zero: i'm on the left in the first one

TV Zero: on the right in the second one

TV Zero: that's from our x-mas party after i jumped in the pool but before i talked to billy zane

TV Zero: i look like a tool

TV Zero: the second one is over a year ago

TV Zero: i look fat, plus i have too short of hair

Genghis Jon: Wow, you're nothing what I pictured.

TV Zero: how did you picture me?

Genghis Jon: You don't look fat! Christ, you sound like a chic.

TV Zero: please don't tell me naked.

Genghis Jon: I pictured you about 5'11" dark hair, and really skinny.

Genghis Jon: Pretty much like the singer for the Strokes.

TV Zero: well, i am 5'11"

TV Zero: if i didn't color it, my hair would be dark

TV Zero: and i've never been skinny

TV Zero: hahaha

TV Zero: that's funny

TV Zero: i kind of see myself looking like him sometimes too

Genghis Jon: NO, you got smoke muscle on ya. I thought you'd be puny, like me.

Genghis Jon: SOME muscle..

TV ZERO: yeah, well, hiking 20 miles a week, plus tennis and rollerblading...

Genghis Jon: You look like you could kick my ass!

TV Zero: never having been in a fight though - you could probably take me

Genghis Jon: I bet that's what you thought when you saw my pic for the first time.

TV Zero: no, i thought "The karate kid has a diary"

Genghis Jon: You've NEVER been in a fight????

Genghis Jon: The karate kid? That's a new one.

TV Zero: well, my brother used to kick the shit out of me, but not since then

Genghis Jon: Never had a fight in high school?

Genghis Jon: While playing your guitar?

TV Zero: not unless you call getting thrown in a trash can a fight

TV Zero: i was always the funny one, or the quiet one, no one ever wanted to fight me

Genghis Jon: The other guy might think so

Genghis Jon: But I think you said that people thought you look like, um....David Arquette....that's why i thought you were puny.

TV Zero: david arquette? i don't remember that.

Genghis Jon: Yeah man, you said david Arquette...

TV Zero: maybe rosanna arquette

Genghis Jon: It was around the time you were gonna marry that Thai chic to keep her American.

TV Zero: oh, mira

TV Zero: heh

TV Zero: she's so cute

TV Zero: she's still here and never got hitched, so she must've worked something out.

Genghis Jon: Screw that, go get her Jon. All she wants is someone to tell her she's not good enough.

Genghis Jon: Tell her that, and she'll be yours forever.

Genghis Jon: Dude, you have to be the whitest motherfucker in Californian!

TV Zero: Ahhhhh....

TV Zero: one of my nicknames is in fact "whitey"

Genghis Jon: Alright Zero, you've been a great help. I want to thank you for being the VERY FIRST interviewee on "Genghis Jon Interviews Your Punk Ass" Is there anything you want to say to the Genghis Jon readers before I put this pathetic thing to an end???

TV Zero: i don't they're ready for this jelly?

TV Zero: fo shizzel my nizzle?

TV Zero: no, i just want to thank you for a wonferful and mostly painless experience. although what was that whole anal probe thing about?

Genghis Jon: Oh, now you're axing the questions???

TV Zero: okay, i can't anymore spelling errors. i'm out of here.

Genghis Jon: Ah-salam-ay-lakem, my brother!

TV Zero: take anymore

TV Zero: later

TV Zero: you're not gonna put the picture up are you?

Genghis Jon: Trust me

Genghis Jon: Seriously, I won't.

TV Zero: cool

TV Zero: all right - i'm going to class now

Genghis Jon: OK, thanks again

TV Zero: it was an honor

What a nice guy.

Too bad I'm not going to honor his wish.

Here's an image of the great TV Zero!!!!

Behold......

previous - next