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Is there anybody......OUT THERE


That's how many visitors I got yesterday.


It was probably me too, does sitemeter count you when you're checking your old site?

With Surly back I decided to reminisce a little and go read some diaried that I used to count among my friends back in the heyday of Diaryland.

Scanzilla and Hapithoughts are gone. So is Beight, and early friend also from Connecticut.

Joyful is there but doesn't update anymore. Christ I miss her.

Same with TV Zero. He's around from time to time but it's not the same. Life has moved on for him. I see him on the IM once and awhile but I can't think of anything to say besides "write more". How clever.

This just crushed me. All that and he stopped writing, Jesus. I remember when I first came around and thought it was amusing to see how people got emotionally attached over people that they "knew" over the internet. The concept to me was just bizarre. But the Shakesperian irony in that is while I set up shop to mock suck behavior the same thing happened to me.

People I interacted with online made me happy, miserable, sad, angry (usually angry) and everything else that human relationships bring out of each other.

Reading Bill's telling of his mother's passing just reminded me how much I loved writing on here and sharing things in my life in a way you really can't in real life.

Writing lets you express yourself entirely and perfectly.

You can't do the same face to face with words because ego and embarassment woulkd stop you. Me anyways.

Now, there's alaso a backside to this as well. I've said some things about people I know that I probably wouldn't of in real life.

And occasionaly they would come across it and hold REAL grudges against me.

My fault is telling them about this site in the first place. If you're new at this, or have a blog anywhere where you value your freedom don't EVER share it with anyone.

I'm thinking of one person in particular who was pretty pissed at me for awhile over something I wrote. I felt bad about it for about 3 seconds, then I realized that if you enjoy the anonimity factor, that I do, I should have never opened the gates.

Which forces me to pause and look at where I'm now and where I want to go.

There's no secret that I enjoyed to no end the days when I would get hundreds of visitors a day, along with messages and emails from all different types of people either cheering me on or wishing my death. I loved them all!

So it's hard for someone like me with with such a fragile ego to look at the sitemeter on a day when I update and see "23".

Reading the new Surly I figured out my problem.

I think if there was anything appealing about what I was doing it was probably me being so candid about my life and thoughts.

I was getting a lot of attention and felt real proud of myself and for some reason I wanted to show my friends what I was doing.

At first they were all impressed. One, as I mentioned before found a rant I said about her and threw a fit.

I also was in a relationship for a year and a half with someone that made me so miserable so ofetn I wish I could just write about it but again, she had the url so I kept shut.

Much later I dated another girl who I had the sense not to give the website out, just mearly tell her about.

Knowing that my nickname is "Genghis Jon" and a working knowledge of Google didn't take her long to find the treasure.

She had absolutely no shame about finding it either. She quickily told me that she read every single one of my older entries. Toward the end of our relationship she complained that I didn't treat her like a girl I use to date who I wrote about in here.

So now that I have demonstarated how this website has affected my real life, it's also safe to say that my plan to go on talking about other things, such as my view on politics and the like have resulted in a very boring shit site.

I should probably move on but I can't let go of things. I need to find a way to write the way I want to wether that means starting something new without the "Genghis Jon" moniker, or just saying fuck it and just start writing the way I want to and not apologizing to people for it.

I dunno'. I'll think about it. But before I do go I promise to share the story of how I went to a fitness site where they put half naked photos of themselfs for evolution, and, well you'll see...


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