The Pie Incident
The following story is what has been dubbed "The Pie Incident" by my inner circle, and is truly a testament to what a jackass I am. I'm not proud of what it entailed, but if I can save just one kid out there from following my path, then it was all worth it.
So here we go. Maybe about a year ago I was hanging out with 3 friends of mine.
The group consisted of two "John's", one "Jon" and a "Sean", which of course is Gaelic for "John". Make what you will of that.
I forget exactly what we were doing, but it must have been important as one of my friends was with us, and it's a rare Sunday that he's not in rock throwing distance from his girlfriend.
Anyways, I was in a terrible mood that day. Being consistant with my giving nature, I wanted to share that mood with other people.
So the four of us were at a Starbucks, with a friend of mine, Michelle. I'm sitting there getting hyped up on caffeine.
We decided to take in a movie, and Michelle says that she needs to run home for a minute, and asked us to pick her up there.
So she goes off on her own, and we sit for what should have been 2 minutes, but quickly turned into 15. There also seemed very little motivation to change that.
Concerned about missing the movie, not to mention poor Michelle who's probably outside waiting for us like a puppy in the rain, I appointed myself Social Directer. And as my first rule under this position, I encouraged everyone to get going.
See, here lies the problem. These guys are the three selfish people in existance. Despite our plans, and our commitment to someone, they just didn't feel like moving at that particular moment, and stayed true to themselves, and continued to stay planted.
After pleading my case on why we need to go, and informing the gentlemen numerous times that they are not the only people on the planet, I eventualy got them to split, maybe 35 minutes after we were suppose to.
So we pile in the car, and while I'm asking if I could borrow someone's cell phone to call Michelle, John says "I want to stop here for a second and get some pie."
"No way. No way, John. We don't have time for this."
"I'll only be a second."
OK, OK. I tried to cool myself off. Best case senerio, he'd run in and run out in 2 minutes. But then, everybody started getting out of the car. Everybody was getting pie. This was too fucking much.
I went in to the pie place to try to explain to these people that we were already late for the movie, and Michelle was expecting us almost an hour ago.
But what I exceeded in doing was make the most ridiculace speech that a human has ever made since we learned to communicate with our voice.
As I went in, I noticed that John wasn't getting the pie to go at all. The bastard was planning on eating it there. This is when I went completely ape.
"FUCKING SHIT, MAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU EATING PIE? JOHN, I FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR PIE. YOU CAN'T-GET-PIE!!!! AND WHAT DO YOU DO, YOU FUCKING COME IN HERE AND GET PIE!!"
John replies, ever keeping his composure "What's the big deal? Two minutes isn't going to make a difference."
"THE POINT IS I FUCKING TOLD YOU WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR FUCKING PIE, AND YOU NOT ONLY STOP FOR PIE, YOU SIT DOWN AND EAT IT!!!"
People were shuffling their children from me at this point.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT SOMEONE IS FUCKING� WAITING FOR US, AND YOU WANT TO STOP FOR...............PIE!!!!!!"
At that point I went for the door. I gave out a "fucking nipple" before I exited.
I was pissed. I wanted to kill them all. But cooled off relatively quick and got back in the car.
Anyways, since the "incident" my close frieds haven't let me forget it.
The next day at work, my uncle calls (who Sean works for) and says "Sean here says you don't like pie? What do you have against pie?"
Everytime I'm in a restaraunt, someone always orders me pie.
Whenever I start getting upset about something, someone will say "It's not like we're stopping for pie!!"
Everyone I know has asked me if I've seen the movie "Pi".
It's not easy being me.
---------------------------------------------------------
Is anyone else freaked out about this Elizabeth Smart kid being found alive after nine months?
Personally I thought there would have been a better chance of Amelia Airheart crawling out of the ocean. Anyway, these days it's nice to hear some good stories on the news.
---------------------------------------------------------
Me and my roommate were watching the hit show, Am I Hot, when we decided to participate at home.
And girls, the votes are in. We're hot!
---------------------------------------------------------
THIS JUST IN!!!!
As I reported before, French Fries are now called "Freedom Fries". We all know that, but the latest dish at Uncle Sam's diner is "Freedom Toast"! WWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------
I Freedom Kiss on the first date!
Comments?
