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The Evolution of the Razor

Once upon a time - and this may sound silly but once upon a time all it took for a man to shave his face was a razor with a single blade on it.

The single blade idea seemed to work for most people however we were wrong. Dead wrong according to our friends at Gillette and Schick.

Sure, I mean the simple razors worked great and all, they did their job of shaving the hair off your face, but is that really enough to satisfy most men?

Above: Bor-ing.

What about the shaving experience? I mean most men shave every day of their lives, don't they deserve to make shave time FUN-time?

Gillette and Schick think so, that's why a few years ago one of them (not sure who) came up with the idea of making a twin-blade razor.

Above: Twice the danger as your regular blade

The idea behind the twin blade razor was to have a little back-up. Like if the first blade might of missed a hair, the other blade would be like "No problem cuz, I gotz yo' back!"

Best of all it became fun! Most men will tell you that he feels his most manliest while shaving his face. Now, the guys with the two-blades noticed a superiority over his peers who were still stuck with the dinky old one-blade.

It's sorta' like the guy who drives a big truck next to the guy who drives a compact car. Sure, they both do the same thing- bring you somewhere. But every man has to ask himself the same question before he makes any kind of purchase which is: "What would John Wayne buy?"

This is not only why women are much more effective shoppers then men, but why Gillette had to retaliate with this..

Above: Notice the swishy action stripe!!!

The three blade razor. Nobody was really sure what the hell they needed three blades for, as I've demonstrated above the single blade does most of the work. It'd be really odd that a newish razor would ever not cut the hair it was slid over, but if by some freak incident it didn't- the second blade should take care of it. The notion that anything would ever get past the second blade was unthinkable, it just couldn't be done. Beards everywhere would abandon all hope just at the site of the twin-blade.

But what would John Wayne buy? I know, I know, he'd probably use a machette- but given the choice between two and three blades you bet your bootstaps Pilgrim that the Duke is going for three.

That is, unless...

Above: IT'S ALIVE!!!!!

Before I continue I want to reference a scene from 1998's hit flim "There's Something About Mary" Ben Stiller played a character named Ted Stroehmann who picked up a hitchiker played by Harland Williams.

In this scene the hitchiker confides in his new friend a business plan that's gonna' make him loads of money. He brings up "8-Minute Abs"-  A successful training video that promises great abs in just an 8 minute workout.

Harland Williams character goes on to say that he's going to produce a video titled 7-Minute Abs. He guaranteed success by claiming "Why would anyone choose 8-Minute Abs when they can do 7-Minute Abs?"

Seemed reasonable enough until Ted half-jokingly brought up that somebody could then just as easily come out with a "6-Minute Abs", making his business venture just as irrelevant as he had done with the "8-Minute Abs".

Obviously the CEO's at the two major razor companies have not seen this movie.

If they have we might of been spared the wrath of the Dreaded Shick Quatro. The only razor out there with four, cout 'em FOUR razor blades.

Now, nobody was sure about why we needed three blades other then John Wayne was telling us we needed to or we'd never get pussy again.

The idea that some hair might still linger after shaving with a triple-headed razor was just preposterous. It's the most assinine assumption ever. You could shave a grizzly bear with a triple-bladed razor. Why would I need a quadruple-headed razor to shave my face? I mean. c'mon, give me a break!

I don't know why, but I had to get one. Maybe it's the John Wayne thing I've been talking about, maybe it's the fact that this it's designed to look like a starship, signifying that it's going to take my shaving experince to places it's never dreamed of!!!

Even Gillette seemed in awe, when asked if they planned on making a four-headed razor of their own they replied no. It seemed like Gillette was beaten. There's no way to top this, we're talking FOUR blades here. FOUR BLADES! How can you top that, it's impossible, I mean unless you were gonna'....

.....there's no way....

....I mean, they wouldn't think of doing....

....nah, they wouldn't dare....

 just wouldn't be human...


Above: The Razor of which the Elders spoke.

Gillette- strongly asserting that they are indeed the nuttiest company in the world introduces the Gillettte Fusion. Five, I said FIVE blades of sheer terror.

If I had it my way, I'd get rid of the bald eagle and replace it with the Gillette Fusion as our nation's symbol. Think about it for a second, the bald eagle's just a tired old bird- it doesn't adequately represent America's power and stature. Only the Gillette Fusion comes close to mirroring this country's greatness while putting fear into the hearts of our enemies.

Above: Proposed new flag.

Oh, and did I mention that the new Gillette Fusion also comes in a SUPER version that has  a battery operated motor in it!!!!!!

Above: Pure. Unadulterated. Insanity.

I wish I had a nickel for everytime I was shaving my throat and wanted a razor that vibrates while you shave.

Well dream no more, the Gillette Fusion Power has arrived. Because your beard hasn't learned it's lesson by growing back evertime you shave it, the Gillette Fusion Power does what no razor had the guts to do before - turn your face into a bloody-fleshy mess.

And because we all know a beard cannot grow on an open wound, it's mission accomplished baby!


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