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Doesn't Add Up

Tomorrow I'm picking Becca up from the airport.

Saying I'm nervous is like saying the Pacific Ocean is wet.

Sure, I'd like to tell you all that I'm such a stud that chicks get on planes and fly thousands of miles just to spend a week with lil' old me. But truthfully, she's mainly coming to spend time with her mom and her step-dad who recently got divorced. That said, she' already told me that she plans on spending most of her time with me. So, with that in mind, I'd like to ask her step-dad "Who's her daddy now, bitch?"

I ran around like crazy person these past couple of days getting ready for her arrival. Being the clever fellow God made me, I decided to get her a gift and made sure she got it the day before she got on the plane. This has two purposes. One; when she meets me at the airport she'll go apeshit. Chicks love things no matter how much they deny it. And second, and most important, when she's on the plane she'll be thinking too much of me and won't get picked up by the guy sitting next to her. This has happened before. The trick in dating a hot blonde isn't to try to change them. It's all about how to work them.

Anyways, she mentioned to me that she took a poetry book out from the library that she really liked. So I got her the book awhile ago. Next, I decided to fill the package that the book would come in with her favorite flower. The problem with that is she's really into botany, so roses aren't gonna impress her. I finally found a place over the internet that sells this strange flower. They insisted on overnighting it to me. They also insisted I pay the overnight charge, which came out to more then the product.

So between having to pay for the overnight charge of having the flowers sent to me, and sending the package overnight, I managed to spend over $70 on shipping a $30 book.

Hey, anybody need someone to manage their money?


I was at the video store when my friend Cheryl suggested we get "About a Boy".

I told her it's a chick-flick and we're not getting it.

She countered "No it's not! It's by that guy who wrote High Fidelity."

I told her I don't care if Conan the Motherfucking Barbarian wrote it. It's a chick-flick.

She came back with "NO IT'S NOT! It's about a guy who uses a kid to meet women."

Cheryl, do you think I'm so dumb that I can't spot a 'guy uses sleezey tactics to meet women, meets one woman he falls for, she falls for him, he changes his playboy ways' film when I see one?

So, just to punish her I got duh, na, nuh, na, nuh, na, nuh, na Bat Thumb!!!

I know no one deserves to see that movie, but hey. You gotta' be cruel to be kind.


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