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Back from Montreal

The rumors are true.

Canada is colder than snowman shit.

So yes, my trip to the 51st state was fun.

*Confession. I stole that "51st state" line. One of the first thing I did when we got to the hotel was turn on the TV and see their Prime Minister Jean Poutine talk about his great relations with the US, blah, blah...then he said something like "but we are not their 51st state" and I immediately knew I had to write that in my diary. If you really want to see a Canadian flip out without saying "Gretzky sucks", this is the way to go. Just keep in mind that it's all in good fun, and I love Canada and the Canadian people like I love my own mother.

So after about 20 seconds of being in this forsaken stretch of a frozen nether world that I wouldn't allow my dog to dwell in (yet feel uniquely comfortable allowing the French to) we decided to get some food.

The target destination was exactly one block away from ze hotel, so despite the unholy weather we decided to walk.

Bad move.

The 6 minute walk had us come down with a nasty case of frostbite. We entered the restaurant with several fingers missing.

Another thing about the French.....shit, I could go on all day....but another thing about these frog bastards. They're probably the most unhealthiest species on the planet.

First off, their favorite food in the world is called poutine. (I was kidding above when I called their Prime Reverend Jean Poutine. His name is Jean Secousse or something.)

French fries alone isn't artery-clogging enough for these guys.

I mean it's OK, but they need a little extra something to really throw that cholesterol over the top. That's why on top for their french fries they like to add melted cheese and gravy.

Voila'! Poutine is served. Bon appitite!

The strange thing is that you don't see to many obese citizens of Montreal. Probably because not too many of them live past the age of 12 on this diet.

Moving on, the second most suicidal entre that the French ravish in is called fondue.

Fondue is nothing more than a giant bowl of melted cheese that you either dip your bread in or jump in and swim around. The bowl is huge.

Do you have any idea what a huge bowl of melted cheese will do to you?

You mind as well swallow little ninjas, and have them tear apart your insides.

Seriously, I'd sooner swallow a live rabid racoon then eat that fondue bullshit.

Fucking barbarians.

And while they're eating with one hand, they're smoking with the other.

I have a theory that everyone in Montreal is depressed and wants to die, but can't commit suicide because they're catholic.

So the loophole that they found was eating a strickly cheese-based diet, while chain smoking.

Montrealers light one cigarette a day. Their first. Every cigarette after that is lit from the previous.

You should see the cigarette labels in Montreal. Because the locals are such adamant smokers, the Canadian government makes the tobacco companies put all sorts of unbelievable things on their label.

For instance I was greated with a picture of a human brain that suffered a stroke on a pack of "Marboro Canadiens" that I purchased.

How charming.

Anyways, despite everybody trying to kill themselves, I had a great time.

Montreal is a wonderful town filled with really nice people. Almost too nice, even. You wonder how they got this way.

Probably the poutines.


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