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Letter I wrote to the mayor of Brewton, Alabama.

And for my next trick...

So I was surfing the web, something that I seem to be getting paid for lately, and came across the homepage for a charming place called Brewton, Alabama.

Looks like a lovely place. I admit, I did find it odd that they recommend that I take my vacation in Holland, rather than their own neck of the woods. But I appreciate them looking out for me.

In any case, after receiving a weird-ass message from the mayor, I was overtaken by what a wicked sense of humor the good mayor seems to possess. Therefore, I decided to drop him an email.

Dear Mayor Jennings.

It is my pleasure to speak with you. My name is Stan Goldstein and I'm from L.A.

I'll get right to the point. I'm a filmmaker and the nature of this correspondence is to seek permission and input on filming a movie in your town, mainly, about centered around your life as a small town mayor in a community with a big heart.

The story consists of the 'not-so-bright' mayor, getting himself into countless bumbling antics, all the while the local townfolks work tirelessly to get their idiot mayor from embarressing himself (or them for that matter!)

One scence consists of a crazy misunderstanding, and the governor of Alabama catching you in a chicken shack with your pants pulled down, screaming "when I get my hands on you KwaaaaaZZZZY chickens, I'm gonna spank each and every one of you!!!"

Be it known, Mr Mayor, that we've spared no expence hiring the finest talent money can buy for this epic.

Billy Bob Thorton has signed on to play Alex. The deputy sherrif who spends most of his days resisting your sexual advances.

A little lady by the name of Dolly FREAKIN' Parton has agreed to play Maddie. Your middle-age cousin who runs the local general store, and spends most of her days resisting your sexual advances.

And if that weren't enough star power, we've also brought aboard the pig that played Babe to take on the roll of Spam, the adorable town mascot and loyal companion to the mayor. Spam spends most of his days rolling in his own filth, and resisting your sexual advances.

The roll of yourself will be played by a talented newcomer named Adolph Cockensmoke.

I can assure you, Mr. Mayor, that the excitment you're feeling right now is sharred by myself and my staff.

Please contact me ASAP so we can get the ball rolling on this project.

We plan to start shooting by early May.

Thank you for your time.

Stan Goldstein

***Responce from the mayor!!!***

I am telling you that I'm not interested in taking part of this film in any way, shape, or form and furthermore, if this film is made using my likeliness I will instruct my attorneys to go for your nuts.

Have a great day.


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