Breaking up is hard to do (But very FUCKING necessary)
God I feel like shit today.
I'm major fighting with a on again/off agian friend of mine.
She pisses me the fuck off. Mainly because she brings the worst out in me. If there is one thing I can't stand it's uppity people. As much as I love her....she can be pretty fucking uppity at times. Now how does one tell a friend that they are being annoying?
Ignore it and let her walk all over you, and treat you like shit without her ever knowing that she's hurting you?
Politely bring it up and appologize profoundly?
Lose contact with her without giving reason?
Well, if you're me, you dump everything but the fucking kitchen sick on her. (verbally)
Now, of coarse it's so much worse.
You'd think I'd learn by now that trying to beat bullshit with bullshit will only get you a ton of more bullshit!
All I really wanted to do, was to make her see the way she was treating me was really fucking wrong and hurtful.
Next thing I know, I'm just as wrong and hutrful as she is, she's got a ton of ammo against me, and she still doesn't see what she's done wrong.
She's a fucking MASTER at playing the victim role. A fucking master I tell ya!
Anyways, I planned on trying to reestablish relations with her by giving her my diary url when I saw her on yahoo IM.
What a got was a venum-indused, psycho-babble, putting down every little thing about me.
I mean, I know I'm an asshole at times.
I know of no other way to show people that I'm hurt other than hand them back what they're giving me.
But I've spent years appologizing to her, and have yet to hear her say the same to me.
Now, I'm not one for appologizing, but I'd do anything for this girl.
Where that has gotten me, is nowhere.
She's the exact same person that she always has been, without a clue to the fact that she is the cause of a lot of the problems we have.
I always viewed that as a massive ego trip she was on. Always thinking everyone else is to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life.
That may or may not be true, I don't know and I don't care.
What I do care about is my friends.
I'd kill for any one of them.
I have the greatest friends in the world.
When I fuck up, I swallow my pride, say I'm sorry, and ask for forgivness.
I don't think it's asking for the moon to expect the same.
Because I love this girl so much, I've had her convince me that I'm a terrible person.
I'm not a terrible fucking person.
I make mistakes just like everybody else on this planet.
I make terrible ones sometimes.
Fucking sue me!
She makes me out to be the gawdamn anti-christ.
Truth be told, I'm not an oucne worse than she is and she just doesn't see that.
It hurts me like hell to have her think that, having her put it all on me, because underneath all this "Genghis Jon" shit I'm a very caring person.
I care a lot what people think of me, and especially her.
Inj the 5 or so years that I've known her, we've had huge blowouts, but have never settled anything.
Maybe to her satisfaction we have, but not to mine.
I appologize, she doesn't, she never let's me forget what a piece of shit I am, or how lucky a person like her still associates with someone like me...
She cares still though.
I know she does.
When people REALLY don't care, they don't take the time to get upset over you.
She clearly is still very upset.
But I'm done here kids.
I've had more than enough.
I usually can't sleep knowing that someone I care about so much hates me.
But this is gonna' be a first.
I don't feel guilty anymore like I use to.
I don't feel like I fucked up something big.
I'm looking at this, emotions aside and saying "Jon, you're not what she wants you to believe you are."
What I am looking at is a really fucked up friendship between two people, that has gone really bad by two people's participation, and only one person is being grown up enough to admit fault and try to fix things.
For the rest of her life she is going to think that it's "all Jon's fault" and that's OK.
I'm at peace with that for once in my life.
I'm pretty sure she's gonna' read this.
Probably more sure that she's gonna' read this than if I out by email.
I just want her to know that I'm not angry anymore.
And I'm not very good at goodbyes, because I always end up trying to make things right (even at my own expence)
But I'm gone from your life for good.
I had to get beat down good and hard before I realized how bad you are for me.
Now that I'm finally ready, I'm washing my hands of you.
Please don't call me in 6 months, or a year from now.
I've never said something like this to anyone (except out of anger, of coarse...) but I wish I never met you.
I'll never even mention your name again.
Goodbye, and good riddance.