I'm afraid I've come short at finding just one quality in David Blaine that does not make me want to drown him like the little rodent he is.....oh, wait, he's beaten me to it!
Above: David Blaine - Human Turd.
First of all, what the fuck is he doing? Nobody has been able to answer that question for me. WHAT-THE -FUCK-IS-HE-DOING?
Everytime he does one of his silly little tricks he talks it all up like it's such a big fucking deal and I just don't understand WHAT-THE -FUCK-IS-HE-DOING!!!
Here's what I know about his latest attempt at being somebody.
He's submerged in water with air. He's given food. His vagina is connected to a funnel,which is connected to a pipe for him to pee out of.
Fucking brutal, the guy's set up better than half the people in New York. So what's the trick, they're gonna thow some piranhas in the tank or what?
I wish, actually he's staying in the tank for a week upon which he'll make himself really uncomfortable, concluding with him holding his breathe underwater for 9 minutes.
Above: David Blaine holding his breathe underwater.
Ugh, I mean, jeez....
I really can't deal with this guy for too long, I'm just gonna' explode, I'll just ask the basic questions and then take my meds.
So, if your trick is to hold your breathe underwater for 9 minutes why do you have to stay in a tank for a week to do that? WHY, WHY,WHY?? The whole thing should be over in 15 minutes tops!
Oh, and here's the best part, HE FAILED!!!!!!!!
Awww, wil' baby want air?
Here's the thing, you can't fail. It's magic. You can't fail. Just think what would happen if David Copperfield attempted to make the Statue of Liberty disappear only to see nothing happen. Asshole isn't a strong enough of a word, I'm pressed to invent one; Blainehole. You are a huge fucking Blainehole if you draw up a big media circus around your retarded little trick only to fail.
See, it's all tricks that you're suppose to have practiced beforehand. The media and the public haven't the time to watch everybody try to attempt every silly stunt they can think of. You go practice your little trick first and then you call the TV cameras, OK?
Above: Roots....of David Blaine
The man above is Henry Houdini. Back when magic wasn't performed by pussies, they did stunts like real men. If the trick didn't work, they died.
Harry Houdini died during one of his tricks that I'm too lazy to look up detailed information on, but that's not important. What is important is that when his magic trick went awry he did the responsible thing and died. He didn't have a bunch of people run in and save him, and go to the hospital, and give excuses, and waaaaaah!
I don't care if you're doing a card trick on the corner, if your magic trick goes wrong it is your duty as a magician to die!
People should really stand up to this Blaine fool and call for congress to pass a bill stating something like that if you submerge yourself in water with the intent to mystify you either accomplish the goal you've set out to do or you drown. Period.