Happy F'ing Birthday to Genghis!
Guess what peeps? Today is my birthday!
Ooo, somebody spank me......
I'm about to do something pretty brave. For all those of you out there that are at work and can make long distant calls on the boss's dime. AND want to leave a message for Genghis Jon. Maybe wish him a happy birthday. Here's my number. Knock yourself out.
So it's the big 2-9. I got a call the other day from my mom. She's more excited about my birthdays then I ever was.
Mom -"Happy Birthday Jonathan!!!!"
Genghis -"Ease up on the crack mom, my birthday ain't until Friday."
Mom -"I know, but aren't you excited?"
Genghis -"No. You know what? You always hype up my birthday and it never lives up to it. I don't even get the day off from work. If I'm lucky someone might bring in donuts."
Mom -"Really? Oh, that's soooo nice of them. You like donuts, don't you Jonathan?"
Genghis -"They're the reason I get out of bed in the morning."
Mom -"So tell me Jonathan. Are you seeing anyone?"
Genghis - "Oh no. You're not turning into that kind of mother, are you?"
Mom - "Well Jonathan, it's just that you're at that age you should be thinking about getting married...."
Mom - "...and maybe think about having a family..."
Mom -"You know, you're the last of the three kids to be single."
Genghis -"Well that's because I'm the baby."
Mom - "Jonathan, you're 29 years old. That hardly makes you a baby."
Genghis -"You shouldn't want me to get married. Once I do, we won't be able to hang out anymore. I'm gonna throw you in an old folks home and steal your assets."
Mom - "Jonathan, you wouldn't..."
Genghis -"Yeah, maybe. But the monster I pick as a wife will."
Mom - "But seriously Jonathan. Do you see how happy your brother Jason is now that he's married? Why don't you be more like your brother Jason? He's married! Don't you want to be happy like your brother Jason? Married to a nice girl?
Genghis - "You're right. I'll go looking for a bride on the internet tonight. That'll solve all my problems. Pick a foreign country. Russia? Malaysia?
Mom - "And do you still play in those loud bands? You're never gonna meet a nice girl doing that. I don't see why you can't be more like your brother Jason. He's a police officer!"
Genghis -"It's because you didn't baptise me like you did my older siblings, you sick twisted woman. What am I, your offering to satan?"
Mom - "Sometimes I wonder..."
Genghis -"I so set that one up for you."
And this past weekend, even my uncle Dougy started harping on me about getting married. AND HE'S ON HIS FORTH! Fuck, I'm out of allies. You just can't explain to the older generation that you don't just "get married." You gotta find a woman that won't press charges, and thinks your habit of playing bass until three in the morning is somehow charming. It's hard to reel that fish in. But if they keep harping on me, I'll give my family name to some random crack whore. Dare me???
Yessir, twenty-nine years old and I'm still trying to teach my parents a lesson. Can't wait to see what my thirties have in store for me.
And don't be a bastard. If you're not going to call, wish me a happy birthday in my gbook.
I'd do it for you.