Open Letter To The Judges
The following is an open letter to the judges of Genghis Jon's Great Political Debate Extraordinaire
The judges that I've chosen, after much consideration are as follows.
Gentlemen and Ladeeleroy,
Congrats on finding the golden tickets to my heart.
You have all been trusted with the distinguished honor of being chosen as a judge for Genghis Jon's Great Political Debate Extraordiaire.
I needn't go into how well this is going to look on your resume.
Don't thank me, thank yourselves for being so gosh darn interesting that I was forced to break my own rules by nominating you besides the fact that you're not a foreigner, and clearly biased. (In the case of Thomas and Cadbury, thanks for not being American)
I needn't explain to any of you what people expect when they see my name on the title.
When the words "Genghis Jon" appears at the heading, people's expectation begin to ascend.
I've worked hard for many years to earn the trust of the reading public, and I'm excited to include you along with my latest venture.
But with that comes responsibility.
"What can I do to make my work for 'Genghis Jon's Great Big Political Debate Extraordinaire' meet Mista' Jon's standards?"
"How can I be sure, in reagrds to the debates, that I'll be as fair as Genghis Jon's baby smooth skin?"
"Would Genghis Jon think I'm pretty in this dress?"
...are probably some of the questions you're asking yourselves.
Let me answer these for you, so to ease your mind as if I were to dip my hand in cool, cool water and place it on your forehead and temple.
- Be Unique:
First, proper grammer will not be tolerated. The secret I've been keeping for so long is that my popularity isn't due to my content. That's a myth. People come see the Genghster to check out his fun, unique interpritation of the writen Englush langwage. Sure, you have your James Deans that claim to be rebels, as if it takes a certain skill to break the laws of the government. Ha! That's Kintergarten, baby. It takes a real rebel to break the laws of English. That's what seperates me from the mear humans. And I expect you all to become unhuman as well.
- Use Keywords:
I expect you to use the following keywords liberally at every moment that even resembles an opportunity....
"Nipple", "Nipplet", "Nippleman", "Nipplemus Maximus", "Nipplator", "King Nipple of Nippleham", "Nipple Presley", "Nipple The Kid", "Wicked-Nipple"....and so on.
- Be Strong: The debators will walk all over you if you let them. For this I recommend The Juiceman Juicer. After drinking 9-13 glasses of Parsley-Onion juice a day, you're not gonna' take any shit from anyone. It works for me.
- Confuse & Conquor:
Did you see how I listed a bunch of questions you may be asking, promised to answer them, and went ahead and didn't answer a single one while going off into a plethora of non-relevant psycho babble? I need a double serving of that, folks.
- Take No Prisoners:
Save the niceness for your girlfriends. (Lipman in Ladee Leroy's case.) These people have political opinions and should be punished accordingly. Don't let them get away with this!
- Trust No One:
One of your fellow judges is a mole. I'm not telling you who she is. But she was picked due to her cunningness and tempting feminine qualities being so effective that no man, especially a Scottish man, or two even, could resist.
- Not Even Me:
I was lying. There is no mole, nor any reason not to trust the other judges. Of course this could just be a test to keep you on your toes. Only me and the mole know for sure.
- I'm Here For You:
Because there are three judges that will be voting on a winner, the obvious question stands "What if there's a tie?" Fret not, Genghlings. In the case of the three of you having a tie, I'll step in as tie breaker.
Save The Drama For Your Momma
I just like saying that. See above under "Confuse & Conquor".
I'll be getting into what exactly you'll be doing once I exactly think it up.
I just wanted you all to start thinking about the debates, and how you can help make it the greatest debate EVER!
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to go screw yourself.
That is all.