The Race to Lose to George Bush
The Democratic race is in fulll swing folks. The jury is still out on who's gonna win the nomination. But there is one thing we know already. Whoever the democrats pick out of the bunch is gonna' lose to George Bush.
No, I want Bush out too. But let's face the facts kids. None of these guys are gonna' be the one to do it. They got all kinds of people. Blacks, whites, general, and Jews. You could morph them all together into one Mega-Canadate, and George Bush will beat him.
It's a sad state of affairs, but someone outta' level with you.
So let's take a look at the presidential hopefuls and learn how and why Bush is gonna' kick their liberal asses...
First is the front runner, John Kerry.
Senator Kerry has a big lead thusfar to gain his party's nomination. There's no doubt he is great contender to get clobbered in the fall, and with good reason.
First, he voted for the war, and ooops, now he's against it. That's gonna look great in a debate. Add to his credentials he's from New England, and he looks French, and you got yourself an ass-whoopin' waiting to happen.
At a distant second is former front-runner Howard Dean.
Govenor Dean thinks we should vote for him to lose to George Bush because he's a raving lunatic. He slyly hints that if given the chance to debate Bush, it's likely he'll deck him. Or at the very least pop a blood vessel trying to explain his stance on the war. Traits that make him very attractive to losing to Bush.
In a ballsy move, some democrats even found a four-star general that they believe they can get to lose against George Bush.
General Wesley Clark is a retired four star general, graduated first in his class at Westpoint, was a Rhode Scholar, is a southerner, and a hunter. And despite all that will lose terribley to George Bush. On paper, he should destroy Bush with ease. But he won't. A Clark nomination, and ultimate defeat to Bush would embarrass the democratic party in a way it has never been embarrassed before, and would strike a sense of hoplessness in the democratic party that it hasn't felt in a long time.
If only he looked French, he'd be perfect.
Next we have Joe Lieberman.
Joe Lieberman, a New England Jew, plans on doing great in states like Kentucky, Alabama, and Texas. The bible belt part of the country, which consists of millions and millions of voters who blame the Jews for the murder of Jesus, will more than likely not vote for him as their president.
Joe is the only canadate who could quite possibley not get one single vote south of the Mason/Dixie line.
Not a bad guy you'd want to lose for you. But we're still going for the French looking guy.
Then you got your John Edwards.
John's got that face you just want to slap. I don't hate the guy, but I still want to slap the shit out of him. Look at his fucking hair? It's like he went to the barber and said "Hey, can you make me look like an asshole?"
Edwards isn't gonna' win because putting one asshole against another one is pointless.
Ut-oh, who's up next I see? Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to git' on up and give a nice welcome to the President of Funk, Rev Al Sharpton!!!!!!
OOOPS, WRONG PICTURE...
First, let me say that I thought it was a pretty lofty goal for someone that couldn't get elected mayor of his own hometown to make a run for president, but I gotta' tell you, I've seen every single democratic debate and Rev Al has kicked some serious ass in all of them. The man really is an excellent debater. The problem with Rev Al is he actually has a chance of beating Bush. Seriously. I really believe that.
The democrats will not pick Duh' Rev because he WILL beat Bush.
So why would they not want to pick him you ask? Well, first there's that issue of slavery reperations that he's made no secret it's something he wants to put through.
And I don't care how liberal you are. White guys are gonna go bananas over that.
Second, there's little doubt who his running mate will be.
Third, he's a New Yorker. A real New Yorker, which means when he gets into a disagreement with the Prime Minister of England he's gonna' call him a "Bitch motherfucker".
That could cause a problem.
Then there's Dennis Kucinich.
Dennis come from the planet Paxoria. A place where everybody has a job, healthcare, clean environment, and smokes pot alll the time.
No wait, that's Canada. Anyways, Dennis wants to share the atributes of his home planet with us Earthlings.
After scoring huge endorsments by such big names such as The American Corn Growers Association, the world famous Natural Law Party, and Uncle Bob, he seemed unstoppable.
Kucinich was that kid in high school who you threw out of the boys locker room naked. We all knew the son of a bitch would grow up to be president. That's why it was so much fun torturing him.
Kucinich is attractive because he's wacky. When you want Bush out, and you have to choose between a bunch of bozos, you mind as well go for the nuttiest of the bunch. He'll lose big though. People aren't that hopeless as to vote him as their canadate just yet.
Well, there you have it folks. The chance to get George Bush out of the whitehouse left to a bunch of blockheads.
But as always, I have the solution. I know a canadate that can beat George Bush.
Ladies and Gentlemen
I give you
Genghis Jon's canadate, and potentialy the next president of the United States...
JESSE F'ING VENTURA
That's right guys, Jesse can and will win if he decides to run. Why is that? cause he's a man. A REAL man. (When not wearing that feather boa)
Listen up. No matter who you are, or where you lie on the political spectrum, one thing is true. People want a real man as president, and here's my proof.
Who was the closest person we had to John Wayne as president? That's easy, it's was Ronald Reagan.
Remember what happened to him? Despite Reagan being the most conservative fuck you'd ever meet in your life, everybody loved him. He not only beat a sitting president during his first presidency, not an easy thing to do, but during his second term almost the entire country voted for him. A new species emerged called the "Reagan Democrats" which were, as the term describes, liberal democrats that voted for this ultra-conservative president.
And why did they do that? Cause Reagan, like him or not was a real man.
Guys like Bush Jr have to bomb coutries to get people's attention. Reagan would just give them a look and they'd sit down and shut the fuck up.
And Ventura is twice the man Reagan was. Some people think his wrestling background would work against him. I think that's bullshit. Our president use to kick people's asses for a living! What better representative for America?
Can you imagine the look on people's faces when we send him as our president to address the UN? I think he'll have just a bit more sway than Bushy boy, or any of the democrat pussies.
And best of all, he's always carried himself as if he doesn't give a fuck. Most politicians are such ass-kissers it's sickening. Jesse never turned into that during his campaign for gvernor and WON!!
Best of all, he's an independant. That works good on two counts.
First, he can still enter the race as late as this summer.
Second, he has a better chance of winning than if it were just a two party race.
For instance, say Bush get's 33% and the democratic canadate (Kerry) gets 33%.
That means Ventura could win by getting just 34% of the vote. Just like how Clinton his first term won when Preot was taking votes away from Bush Sr.
So there it is folks. Our only hope in getting Bush out. Stop wasting your time with Clark, and Kerry. The reality is they can't and won't do it. If you're motivated to get Bush out of office, get involved and let's put a real man in office once again.