Sometimes I wish I had another diary where I don't feel the need to entertain. That way, I could just write stuff like I'm about to, and not feel weird.
It's 1:40AM. I got mounds of stuff on my shoulder. Stuff like meeting the woman who my father left my mother after 35 years for. My brother's upcoming wedding. My father catching Lime Disease (karma, ya thinkin'?) ...All in due time.
Right now I'm preventing from slumber for thoughts LP.
I met Lisa when in my early twenties. She was the shortest, skinniest girl I ever knew. Beautiful, with gorgeous dark eyes and long black hair.
We were friends for awhile, yet the more we hung out, the more it was obvious how much we enjoyed each other's company. Honestly at first, I thought she was gay. She was pretty tomboyish. Flannels, ripped jeans, tough attitude, all that. After awhile, she'd call often, or stop by Border's Bookstore, where I was working at the time to hang out. Everyone kept asking me what was going on with me and her and I told them "I think we're just friends. I think she's gay." And everyone would confirm that she is NOT in fact, gay. Well, we'll see I thought. Because I was under the impression that what me and Lisa had was just a hetro-homo palship, I was talking to another girl that was friends with one of my co-workers who had taken a liking to me.
One night I had a decision that would of changed the rest of my life.
Lisa came in to Borders, and seemed to want to hang after I got out (at midnight) and, you guessed it, so did this new girl. I forgot the new girl's name, lets call her Dido. Anyways, Dido's friend was saying that Dido wanted to hang out with me after I got out of work that night, to get to know me a little better.
I had to think for a minute. Do I give up a sure thing for a possiblility? I went over to say hi to Lisa, and my mind was made up in 2 seconds. See, Lisa is a GREAT audience for me. She loves my sense of humor. That was it for me. Gay or not, I'd rather hang out with her over anybody. I told my co-worker that I'm gonna hang out with Lisa, she tried to tell me I was making a mistake, I knew I wasn't.
And so the story goes....
Lisa, to my glee was NOT gay. She took me to a park where I was to find that I was going to fall victim of a test. See, the guy Lisa was with before me didn't like to get dirty. He was sorta' precious, and wanted to see where I stood with that. So, as I was sitting on a rock, I see Lisa standing in front of me, giggling like a lunatic, holding something in her hand.
What was in her hand was dirt. She took dirt and threw it at me.
Can you fucking believe that? Dirt!
Anyways, I thought it was funny as shit, and proceeded to throw dirt back, but she wasn't looking for a dirt fight. She was just testing me.
Anyways, we kissed, we talked, we started something that night that, I can't speak for her, but for me, hasn't died since.
Anyways, I'm not going to detail the entire year relationship. We went out for about a year, kinda' lived together too. Yet, one sad day it ended. I was outside the very Borders that helped bring us together. "I have to talk with you" she said holding back tears... "Jon" she started, no longer able to keep herself from crying "I can't see you anymore...."
I'll never forget that. Never. If I live to be a zillion, that picture of her saying that to me will always be as fresh as it was that day.
I didn't say anything, and just walked away. I went home and flipped. I paced my house, smoked a thousand cigarettes, cried, punched a hole in the way, and I'm NOT the kinda' that punches holes in walls, anything I could do to help my brain process what was happening. See, I've been dumped a thousand times. It wasn't THAT big a deal. I mean, it was, but the significance of that moment was that Lisa stopped becoming a person to me, and started becoming a thing. Exactly, the thing about me that I hate. YOu see, Lisa didn't break up with me because she didn't love me any less then I loved her. She left me because I was an asshole.
She lefted me because at times I'd scream at her.
She left me because I loved to fight.
She left me because she knew how a person should be treated, and I wasn't treating her that way.
She left me because I was my father.
And as I paced around my cockroach infested apartment, I realised that. I realised that everything I didn't want to be, I was. Now, I'd gladly take on all my father's traits if I could be spared one. Just one. Out of all my faults, if I was without this one trait, it would be OK. She would have stayed. But she was right, I was incorrigible. Just like my dad. She couldn't change me. Nobody could.
I've seen her just once since that God-awful last day. It was maybe 6 months later. She heard that I dyed my hair blonde, and wanted to see.
It was a somber meeting to say the least. I can't hide my emotions too well, and man, I was just dying. We had small talk, she had a new boyfriend, blah, blah...I spent as little of time as I could, gave her an uncomfortable hug, and went back to work.
Well, fastforward a good 4-5 years and here we are.
I got her email address somehow about a year ago, and we began contact. She was living in California, doing all the things that people do when they're from Connecticut and move to California do. Anyways, it was great to get in contact with her this way. I mean, we almost met a couple of times. The first, amybe about 1 1/2 years after we went out, I called her and we chatted for a bit. I asked if she'd like to hang out some times and she said "sure". She never called me back, and rumor had it that it was because "she was afraid that I was still hung up on her." She always had a huge ego. God I loved her!
The second, was maybe a year and a half ago. She was in CT, I got word through mutual friends that she'd like it if I called. Of coarse I did. We chatted a bit, I told her that me and a few of my friends were going to karaoke that night which was walking distance from her house. She said she'd be there. I told my friends that there'd be a surprise visitor showing up that night...Sadly, she never did. Word got back to me that "she'd feel too weird" I understood. I was scared shitless.
Anyways, thank God for email. We've been in touch with each other, every few months or so, and I found out that she's moving to Lake Placid NY, and will be in CT for a while. She asked if she could see me.
YES! God-willing I could change the ending on the "Jon and Lisa story." I told her that I'd look forward to that.
So, today. I get an email reading...
Subject: back in CT
i'm back in CT for about a week untill i go to lake placid to find a job. i have no idea what town you live in now, so i can't find your number. you should e-mail it to me, or call my parents house to get in touch. the number here is xxx-xxxx and also xxx-xxxx. give me a call! lisa p"
She's never sounded this confedent in seeing me. I think that it's a combination of many years passing, and her being genuinely happy with her life.
This is exactly what I've been praying for. A chance to confront the symbol of what I hate about me, and make it right. Now, don't you go getting the idea that me and her are gonna' get back together or nothin'....them ain't in the cards, and I've made peace with that fact a long, long time ago. But I believe, if you love somebody it never dies. It changes; but never, ever goes away. I still love her like I always did. Except I don't want to marry her anymore. I want her to marry someone else and be really happy.
I'm glad the day has come where I can correct a huge wrong in my past. I mean, nothing outstanding is gonna' happen at this meeting. We're gonna' hug, sit, chat, talk about what we've been up to, giggle, hug, say goodbye, wish eack other the best, and promise to stay in touch. That's it.
But that right there is so much. We were so hurt by this that we couldn't be normal around each other for years. Now, looking back, she gave me the biggest gift that anyone has ever given me.
I have a lot of flaws, still. Some awful ones. I probably aways will.
But right now, one thing I'm not is incorrigible.
Thank you, Lisa.