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Metal Mayham

Ever since I announced that I'd be turning 30 this October 4th the world has been busy figuring out how they're going to celebrate this momentous occasion.

One goofy metal band called Hell on Earth are going to have one of their fans who's suffering from a terminal disease commit suicide live on stage.

The date that this is happening, again, is my 30th birthday.

Heavy Metal guys are fucking ridiculous. Here's the complete list of topics that metal bands sing about.



3)Satan Killing


5)Satan killing in Hell

6)Predictions of Satan ruling the entire universe


Unlike rap guys who are consistanly getting arrested for doing the stuff they rap about, the opposite seems to be true for their metal counterparts.

For instance you never hear about the singer for Cannibal Corpse getting arrested for sacrificing a virgin or whatever. Chances are when he's hard pressed on whether or not he believes in the subject matter that he sings about, he'll probably give a cop out answer like "it's just entertainment".

You younger kids out there may not remember the time when Metalica was viewed as one of the sickest bands ever. Seriously, everyone thought these guys were stone cold killers. Yes, believe it or not, before they started whoring themselves to MTV, people were actually afraid of Lars Ulrich.

So in a sence, if this suicide thing doesn't turn out to be a hoax which I'm thinking it might be, then this just might be the one incident that gives credibility to heavy metal since Ozzy bit the head off a dove.

That said someone needs to inform these twats that there brand of "Death Metal" is so fucking lame and outdated that they make hippies seem relevant.

Sure, when Dio and Iron Maden came to town I was fucking there. Matter of fact, I partied like it was 1989. But it's time has passed and we should just let it be.

Move along kids, nothing to see here....


In other news, I'm completely convinced that the lead singer of 3 Doors Down was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Compare his mug with this confirmed child aflicted with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

See what I'm saying?


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