Genghis Jon Interviews Your Punk Ass! Episode XVI Featuring Mr Cadbury!!!!!
I know most of you think Jon is mostly about the who-he-ha-ha. But I do have a serious side.
Due to the impending war against Scotland, I decided to interview a real, live Scotchishlandman, er....Highlander, and see if we can't give peace a chance.
This was an emergency interview by the way, which means that I was on high alert throughout the interview, so don't worry about me.
Anyways, representing the Scotch is Mr Cadbury
Check out his new webcam, ladies......
Rumor has it he lifts his kilt on Midnight every Tuesday!
Anyways, here's how I take international conflicts, and bitch slap it into peaceful a resolution.
Genghis Jon- Hey Scotty! Beam me up Scotty! HA!!!!! Beam me up Scoooooootttty! Beam me up. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr Cadbury- Jon, I'd love to, but the teleporter is broken. I was trying to fix it before you showed up, you rude bastard.
Genghis Jon- The relations between our respective countries, Scotland and America are terrible. Over the past few months we've threatened military action against your homeland if your government doesn't disarm it's weapons of mass destruction. Or at least I think it's Scotland.....it might be Wales. Anyways, what can you and I do to stop this silly-williness?
Mr Cadbury- No, Jon, you're right. It's Scotland that has all the weapons of mass destruction - everyone here has anthrax in their garages, ICBMs with nuclear capabilities in their front gardens, fully functioning weapon-grade uranium refining plants next to the greenhouses. No wonder America's a bit uptight about the Scottish - but why should they give them up, Jon? Why should they? America sits there with its swanky clothes, eating its swanky Twinkies and watching its swanky sitcoms... It's only natural that Scotland want a piece of the action! But as rational people, Jon, I think there is a solution. Rock, paper and scissors. Best of three. America wins, we give up our weapons to those Iraqis giving you an excuse to invade Saddam's house. Scotland wins, and you give us those goddamn Twinkies!
Genghis Jon- Scotland's in the Middle East, right?
Mr Cadbury- Of course. Right next to our good buddies, the Saudis; and our despised enemies, Isreal... Coming over here, stealing our land... Jerusalem for Scotland!
Genghis Jon- STOP SQUIRMING AND LET US BOMB YOU ALREADY!!!!!
Mr Cadbury- You bomb me, and I'll get my big cousin on to you. He'll fucking stab you, so he will.
Genghis Jon- William Wallace, Scotland's greatest hero, once said "They may take away our lives...but they'll never take away...our burritos!" What the hell did he mean by that?
Mr Cadbury- Scotland is famed for its world-quality burritos. It is an indisputable fact that Scotland created the delicious Mexican food before it was a twinkle in the Mexican's wily and lascivious eye. William Wallace's burrito-making skills were legendary, and England - worried about the devastating power that his burritos wielded - sought to clamp down on burrito-making. It is then, in the spirit of rebellion, that William divulged the delicious secret recipe to all true Scotsmen so that truly the English could never take away our burritos. A little history for you, Jon.
Genghis Jon- Where are your burritos NOW, bitch?
Mr Cadbury- In a testing laboratory, being rigorously checked to ensure that the fine flavour destroys all imperialist American crusaders that would dare to come over onto the Holy Scottish Soil.
Genghis Jon- What if we bombed you with burritos? Would you think that was funny, or would that piss you off even more?
Mr Cadbury- Burritos are no laughing matter, Jon. Has your people ever been subjected to the fury of burrito-bombing? Has your people ever felt the sting of burrito sauce dripping down into the eye, as all around a state of tasty panic whips everyone into a fevered bloodlust, severing limbs and trampling fellow humans into the ground? It's alright for you, Jon. You don't live here. You don't live the threats, day in, day out...
Genghis Jon- Have you heard about the United States Army's new burrito? It's "The Bomb!" HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Mr Cadbury- What's this? Imperialist American crusaders create new burrito of death - codenamed "The Bomb"? Scotland is doomed! DOOMED! Your maniacal laughter only confirms our hideously savoury fate.
Genghis Jon- William Wallace also said "Everybody eats burritos. But not everybody, truly savors a burrito!" Do you truly savor burritos, toughguy?
Mr Cadbury- I savour a burrito, but I have to say I prefer the humble taco. Meaty salsa goodness in every bite.
Genghis Jon- How come you haven't beamed me up yet, Scotty? Chicken?
Mr Cadbury- Like I bloody said, it's broke. Hey, I would beam you up, but your unique molecular structure would entirely break down, the entire ESSENCE of you would shoot off like a fart in the wind. Would you like that, Jon? I don't think so... And nobody... NOBODY calls me a chicken.
Genghis Jon- Balk, balk-balk, baaaalk....
Mr Cadbury- Bastard! My secret identitym Marty McFly, uncovered! Damn you Genghis Jon!
Genghis Jon- I heard Scotland's national animal is the chicken burrito.
Mr Cadbury- Close, it's Formula One driver David Coulthard... Hold on! Wait a minute! What's the big idea! Why, you...
Genghis Jon- What pisses you off more; that stereotypical Scottish guy on The Simpsons, or Burrito jokes?
Mr Cadbury- How can you say that, Jon? How can you say that? Groundskeeper Willie is a god over here - A GOD! His unwittingly incisive presence on The Simpsons promotes our alternative lifestyle. Besides, if it wasn't for him, I would never have found out that "Scotchtoberfest" wasn't a true holiday. Those damn Americans. Burrito jokes are also a favourite Scottish pastime, so I cannot say that pisses me off either. No, what pisses me off is Barney. That fucking purple dinosaur. Stoating about, singing songs, thinking he's the fucking man/dinosaur... What a fucker! Jon, why can't America do something about him instead of destroying poor Scotland?
Genghis Jon- I think we need to give peace a chance. Why not come to Thanksgiving dinner with us Yanks? We'll show you the same curtisy as we did the Native Americans. Wouldn't you like to be like them? You may not know this, but I can attest that they truly enjoyed being wiped out of existence by our cooties.
Mr Cadbury- I think that would be marvellous. Scotland has always wanted reservations where we can live perpetually in fear of American violence, in the way that our fathers and forefathers did. Can't say I blame those Indians one bit for gratefully accepting when America generously offered to pillage their land and destroy its unique people and culture.
Genghis Jon- Do you think it's fair that we're targeting Scotland for their weapons of mass destruction, and not paying enough attention to the French who have weapons of mass annoyance?
Mr Cadbury- Personally, I'd rather you were taking a look at those crazy people at Vatican City. I'm pretty sure that Pope has a few thousand liters of botulism on him. It's worth a look, Jon.
Genghis Jon- Still aren't gonna beam me up are you? Figures....
Mr Cadbury- More chat like that and I'll be "ENERGISING" your ass back to the basic building blocks of chemisty. I mean it, Jon. Don't fuck with me.