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Letters to Mr France

Ever since the recent hostilities towards France over their lack of cooperation in dealings with Iraq, I have somehow been elected representative of my ancestral land.

Not a day has gone by where I don't receive an email such as...

AP NEWS REPORT), Paris, France; March 28, 2003 -- The French Government Cancels Disney Fireworks -- Headlines: French Cancel American Tradition At EURO-Disney The French government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes a day after the nightly fireworks display at the park, with is located just 30 miles outside of Paris, which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Now, I'd usually find something like this funny, 'cept for three things.

One, it wasn't a mass email. It was sent for my eyes only.

Two, I get at least one every single day.

And three, they all expect a reply. If a day or two goes by and they don't get one, I'm sure to get a follow up saying "Hey Frenchie, what did ya' think of that?"

As if I'm suppose to reply "Sucre Bleu! You filthy American swine! You have beatin' my cheese eating, surrender monkey ass once again!"

My inbox has actually got full from everybody trying to send me this...

Funny huh? This one's better...

I've gotten each of them over a dozen times.

I've even gotten one from my own mother!

The lady responsible for my nationality in the first place.

Here, read...

"The train was very crowded, so the American soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I am very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

My mom. What a cheese eating surrender monkey.


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