You know there are those of us who harbor a talent- take for instance comedy, and run off to Hollywood to make a living out of it.

Then there are those who just give away their talents right over the internet, absolutely free.

This is an interview with my friend Opus who's obviously a fuck of a lot smarter than me. And if you write a blog yourself he's a fuck of a lot smarter than you too so you need to shut up!

Opus and I worked at Borders for a while before he made the big leap to LA where I watched him in utter jealousy as he hugged Dido, and rapped with Kenny G on the Late Late show while I wrote on my online diary.

Anyways I felt vindicated when he approached me a while back and asked for an interview. It showed that despite being around the most creative, funny people in the world he still had some respect for my talent as a writer.

It also showed he believes whatever bullshit you tell him- like my diary gets over 20,000 hits a day.

Anyways here's my interview with Opus.

Please note that as opposed to some other people I have interviewed, Opus doesn't need me to carry the interview and effortlessly returns my attempts at being funny without putting any thought into it whatsoever.

To any Genghis Jon loyalists I just want to warn that daddy's getting spanked here and you might want to leave the room.

(To set this up I began an interview with him about a year ago and lost motivation half way through. My questions were sucking so I dropped this project for awhile until now. I apologized for taking so long and said I hoped he wouldn't hold it against me. A few days later I received this...)
Genghis Jon,

Well how nice to finally hear from you. I had figured perhaps you had died. Alas, my dreams have been shattered by your email.

My first question is two-part. Have you changed much since moving to LA from that shy, nerdy, lanky New England kid- and what's it like sniffing cocaine off a stripper's breasts?

- Ah, I see. Jokes about Hollywood! Oh, Jon, you are on the cutting edge of 1979 comedy as always. I'd love to hear your President Carter material when you have a moment.

I am still, for the most part, a nerdy, shy, lanky New England kid - I'm just 30 now, jaded, overweight, overbearing and full of hatred for the world.

Speaking of cocaine you once worked as a writer for Craig Kilborne. Not that I've ever met him but is it safe to say you wouldn't let your sister anywhere near this guy?

- Very safe to say. Also, not my brother, if rumors are true.

Since moving to LA, does your mom get upset when you call her "Babe"?

- She gets more upset when I call her "Babe 2: Pig In The City"

What would The Rock's name be if he were a porn star?

- Isn't it obvious? It would be Philo T. Farnsworth.

I'm going to list a series of names of celebrities I've known you to have contact with. Now I'd never ask you to break the family code and out any of your contemporaries. But if you could just give us a wink, better yet, since this is all in text if you could just write "wink" if you have any first hand knowledge that any of these people partitipated in any illegal activity such as beastiality or crashing cars during sexual intercourse. Ready, let's begin.

-Ed McMahon

McMahon actually refused a cocktail in my presence. He must have been drunk.

-Craig KILLborne

Okay, you know what, you're spelling his name wrong. It's really unprofessional of you to do that in an interview. As all know, it's spelled Kilborn. Here's a hint, you can always think "Still-born" as in "I wish Craig Kilborn was a Still-born".

-Tom Green

He drank 6 or 7 Red Bulls a day.

-Kenny G

No comment, due to pending litigation.

-Alf

Oxy-contin and fabric softener coctails thrice daily.

-Tim Allen

Well known recovering coke-head.

-Charlie Sheen

Never met him, pending litigation.

Let's move on to politics. Should there be a law prohibiting women from being whores?

- God, no.

True or false, if Barbara Streisand was a conservative the country would vote overwhelmingly democrat?

I think you don't even care if I answer these questions. You just want to get your punchlines out. It's like watching a stand-up comedian try to do a talk show and just keep steering the conversation around to his material.

Please pick one answer to the following question and explain why.
Question: Killing a woman is..
A) Always wrong! I can't believe you would even asked me that question, this interveiw is over!!
B) Always wrong! But I'll continue with the interveiw because I need the free press.
C) Great! But this interview is over....for other reasons
D) A nice way to get an erection.

- E) All of the above.

Why do you think they don't make stricter laws for people who commit suicide?

- Ask Steven Wright. He just killed himself after you massacred the art of the one-liner.

Let's talk about you, who is Opus Moreschi?

- Well, I'm this guy who...

Who's REALLY Opus Moreschi?

- As I was saying, I'm just a man who...

And beyond all that, who is the REAL Opus Moreschi?

- Ah, screw it. You're not even paying attention.

Are you a member of Opus Dei?

- No, but a little drop of my essence goes into every bottle of Opus One wine.

Have you ever thought about adapting a stage name?

- Something like "Genghis Jon"? No, that would be silly.

If you were a cartoon penguin who would you be?

- Chilly Willy.

Is it true your father's writing a movie called "Mr Moreschi's Opus"?

- No, my father does not write movies. He is too busy creating eerily realistic voodoo dolls in my likeness to do that.

No matter what, killing a woman is wrong, even if she is a whore, right?

- I say love the sinner, hate the sin. But sometimes the sin is really deep inside the sinner and only a very sharp kitchen knife will get at it.

What does O.P.U.S stand for?

- "Other People's Uterine Sloughing"

Are you aware that your name spelled backwards is 'Sup O?

- Yes. If you re-arrange the letters, you spell "soup". If you rearrange your letters, unless I'm horribly mistaken, you spell "Congenital Birth Defect".

You're a very funny guy Opus, when were you first funny.

- As soon as I came out of the birthing canal, I did 8 minutes of solid borscht belt comedy. It was a rough womb. They threw tomatoes at me, only later, I found out it was my own placenta.

Is this funny?

- Yes. Definitely.

What would you be if you weren't funny?

- I'm learning that more and more every day.

Do you believe homosexuals are real?

- No. They're a myth, like the easter bunny or pirates.

Which animals do you think should be allowed to get married.

-Cats?

-Chickens?

-Monkeys?

-Elephants?

-Ghosts?

- Jesus, Jon. This whole interview was based around your trying to get validation for your animal fetish, wasn't it? I'm sorry, I just won't do it. I just won't do it.

Hey I have a great idea for a story, maybe your could shop it around for me. The story is about this tall kid from New England named Sopu Oreschim. Sopu decides to leave the east coast for LA to become a writer. His first audition is for the Craig Kilborne show. During the interveiw Sopu is told he got the job, but he must agree to sexual acts performed on him by the host, producers, director, cateering crew, some guy named Paul, and Ed McMahon. Sopu loses his innocense but gains something so much more. Ed McMahon's e-mail address. What do you think?

-I'm sorry, it's really difficult to hear your pitch from your basement apartment in Connecticut. Have your agent call... oh, wait, yeah. You don't have an agent.

I want to thank you for taking this interview. You are clearly a very talented guy that's not afraid to "put out" to make it to the top. I repect any man that can just sit there and "take it" any time life hands him a challenge. Unlike homosexuals who have "anal sex" you're more than free to marry your true love, comedy. Thank you for the interview and good luck!

- I can't wait until you get around to posting this, sometime in 2018!

Happy 2018 everybody!!!

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