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"When I Was Yer Age...."

So last night I had to babysit my friend's 6 year old daughter.

The poor girl has two Nicotine Nazis for parents. She's never seen me smoke in her life, yet that's all she wants to talk to me about.

"Jon, are you still smoking?"

"Ugh, kinda'"


"I don't know"

"Did you know it's bad for you?"

"How are you doing in school?"

"Why don't you stop?"

"Because, it's hard?"

"Where do you buy them?"

"Can we talk about something else?"


"Gas stations mostly"

"Why do they sell them to you?"

"I have no idea..."

"Why don't you stop buying them? That way you won't have to ssmoke them."

It went like this for hours. One time I took her food shopping with me and I put some hamburg in the cart. She picked it up and threw it out, saying "NO Joooooon!! Red meat will make you die!"

Her folks are vegetarians if you haven't guessed.

At that moment I should have put her in the car, and brought her here for rehab.

Anyways, her father was doing the sound for a high school talent show, and I was watching her while her dad worked.

She HATED the show. Granted, these kids sucked. I'll give her that. But screaming at the top of your lungs "I DON'T WANNA WATCH THIS! IT'S B-O-R-I-N-G, BORING!!!!!!" was just uncalled for.

The show consisted of various inner city kids singing and dancing against their will.

Think it's funny? You ain't seen funny mister until you've seen 12 Eminem wannabes sing "Do-Wa-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Do" embarrassed out of their skull.

But the dancing was best by far. At the local high school there are only two types of kids. Black, and Polish. An odd pair, yet they seem to get along remarkably well.

The Polish kids love to explore black culture, while the blacks love to Polish heads. Especially with their fists.

So the principal proudly announces the ballroom dance squad, or whatever. He made it seem sound kind of ellegant.

What we got were a bunch of stoned kids twirling each other around with as much grace as.......well, a bunch of stoner high school kids. I really can't think of anything more ungraceful to compair them to.

Anyways, it reminded me we I was in high school and smoked a lot of the retard weed myself.

I was walking down the hall when the drama teacher came out of her class and begged me to be in her play. I reluctantly said yes.

Despite the fact that I rehersed with them everyday for 2 weeks, I still was surprised when I went to school one day and was informed that was the day of the play.

Nothing like being told you're about to get on stage in front of the whole school while you're stoned out of your mind. I really could have used a Palm Pilot back then.

Anyways, my performance was terrible. I couldn't even remember my lines and had to bring my script up with me on stage.

While everyone else was competing for a fucking Tony award, I wasn't even acting really. I was basically just standing up on stage reading a script, hoping nobody knew I was high.

But I couldn't even imagine ballroom dancing while I was high. I'll hand it to these kids, that ain't easy. That's harder then most events in the


And what's even better was that they seemed to be a gender uneven, so one little lady had what seemed to be her dance teacher as her partner.

That girl was REALLY embarressed. She was all made up, looking really pretty, and had to be twirled around by her female teacher who was dressed in a tux.

That girl's gonna' be twirling around a complex for about the next 20 years.

So after the show was over, and I handed back my friend's tree hugging daughter and left to go outside for a cigarette.

BIG mistake!

The second I lit up I was surrounded by 537 kids "axing" me for a cigarette.

I don't give cigarettes to kids. Ever. I don't care if someone was on the floor, dying from a rare illness that required them to have a nicotine and tar combo to save their life.

They wouldn't get so much as a puff from me unless I saw some ID.

So this one really annoying kid who sounds like Eminem with a Polish was just fucking annoying "Aw, yo, you smoke methol! Yo, gimme one man! C'mon yo, give it up!"

I told him over and over I wasn't gonna do it. He was out of luck.

When I truly got sick of him I said "Hey, was that you up there singing 'Do-Ra-Diddy-Diddy-Dum-Diddy-Do? What was up with that? Dude, a cigarette ain't gonna' make you cool after that shit. Don't even try it.


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