Aw man......why I gotta go dressing up like a NYC firefighter when I ain't one??? Huh???
So this weekend I was bored and thought I'd try something new.
I went down and bought myself a NYC firefighter uniform, just so I can walk around town and see what happens.
Now, ya'll know I'm a pretty big fan of attention. But my favorite kind of attention is the kind I get when I don't have to do anything for it. All I had to do is find where people congregate, go there, and sit back while people brought the attention my way.
Here's a few conversations I had...
One lady with two childre came up to me and said..
Lady- "Excuse me, are you a firefighter from NYC?
Genghis Jon - "Yeah, why? Is there a fire ma'am? Don't you worry, I'll save everybody!! Just show me where and....
Lady- "NO, NO, NO!!-There's no fire, I just wanted to ask you about your job. Were you there at the World Trade Center?
Genghis Jon- "Oh. Yes ma'am. I was there. Unfortunately I was only able to pull out 189 people before the towers fell."
Lady- "Oh my!!"
Genghis Jon- "Then after I fell off the 8th floor, the police refused to let me go back into the rubble to save more lives. Something about the fact that I broke every bone in my body.
Lady- "YOU POOR DEAR!!!"
Genghis Jon- "Aw shucks ma'am. I was just doing my job, you know? Well, maybe the bit about me fighting my way back into a massive pile of rubble while I was completely crippled wasn't excatly part of my job description, I still did it anyways."
Lady- "Sir, I want you to know that you're a hero! A real live hero!"
Genghis Jon- "Yeah, I know that! What do you think, I'm stupid?"
Lady- " I wish there was something I could do to say thanks."
Genghis Jon- "Sure, you got any money?"
Lady- "...Um..Did you say money?"
Genghis Jon- "Yeah, money. Got any?"
Lady- " Um....well, ugh....let me look in my purse...ugh....is $10 OK?"
Genghis Jon- "$10? Is that all I'm worth? Tell you what ma'am. Keep your money. You'll need it to buy some shame."
Lady- "Oh, dear! Sir, I'm so sorry!! Please come back! Can I write you a check? I feel so awful, please don't go...."
Genghis Jon- "Save it, nipple."
My next encounter was with a couple of macho guys.
Macho Guy #1- "Hey, yo! You a NYCFD? Yo, lemme' shake your hand man, I wanna shake a hero's hand.
Genghis Jon- "Thanks."
Macho guy #2- "Yo, he's right. You're a real FREGGIN' hero."
Genghis Jon- "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Macho Guy #1- "So, yo. How does it feel to be a FREGGIN' hero!"
Genghis Jon- "Aw, shucks guys. It's no big deal, really. It's only like the nation made a phone call, and, you know....I was by the phone at the time, so I answered the call."
Macho guy #2- "Aww, look at this guy! He's a hero and modest too, is he too fucking much or what?"
Macho Guy #1- "I love this man! I honestly love this man. So Mr. Hero, whudya' say I go get that Osama bin Ladin, and we can take turns beating the shit out of him? Sound like fun?"
Genghis Jon- "Why would I want to do that?"
Macho Guy #1- "Wha, you know. To teach the fucking prick a lesson not to mess with us."
Genghis Jon- "Naw, I think that Osama guy was just really misunderstood. I mean, he did have a point. The infidels we in the land of their prophet."
Macho guy #2- "The fuck's an infidel?"
Genghis Jon- "Not only that, everyone outside of America knows how cocky we are. I mean, when I saw the towers fall, it must of been the most horrific thing I ever saw. But I couldn't stop thinking 'yeah, this is pretty fair...'"
Macho Guy #1- "Say fucking what?"
Genghis Jon- "You know, we have troops in Saudi Arabia, they knock down a couple of our buildings. Kinda' Even-Steven, you know?
Macho Guy #1- "You're a sick motherfucker, you know that?"
Genghis Jon- "Oh yeah? Well what are you gonna' do about it? You gonna beat me up? I'm a NYC firefighter, which one of you dipshits is gonna' be caught hitting a NYC firefighter, huh? I dare you! I FUCKING DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU!!!
Macho guy #2- "C'mon, let's get out of here before we hurt him."
Macho Guy #1- "Boy are you lucky you are who you are..."
Genghis Jon- "Yeah, you better walk away, bitch! You start talking smack with me again I'm gonna' have to fuck the two of you up! Fucking pussies, where you going? Huh? Bitches!
Yeah, I know this was fucked up. But ever since I saw the Paul McCartney tribute to New York. And saw how all the cops and firefighters got to do whatever they wanted, I figure if I got a uniform I could do it too.
Sorry, but it was too tempting....