Letter I wrote to Frito-Lays
Dear Lays Potato chips.
My family and I love Lays brand potato chips, and have been dedicated customers for many, many years.
We've experimented with Ruffles at a point in our lives, but we've found that we had no problem eating "just one."
Lays band potato chips has always been there for us. Through birthday parties, weddings, funerals, Bat Mitzvas, everything, and has always felt like a member of our family.
Which saddens me terribly that I'm forced to write a letter of complaint.
You see, I bought a bag of Lays Zesty BBQ potato chips for my family the other day.
We were collectively enjoying the crackle, the cringle, the crunch...when all of a sudden the party turned sour.
You see, I noticed on the back of the bag, the bar code number was 420666-69.
Is that some sort of sick joke?
To avoid any confusing, let me break down the symbolism.
"420" means "Smoke pot right now!"
"666" is the mark of the beast.
And "69" (I'll be as tactful as I can make this) is a position you might find a married couple engaged in.
Shall I stop there, or should I also point out the word "Lays" is a slang to have deviant sex, usualy with several people whom you don't care about?
Or maybe I shouldn't bring up the FIRE RED bag (I won't even explain what "bag" means) that the chips came in?
What exactly are you trying to put in my children's heads????
And please don't insult my intelligence by stating it's just some big misunderstanding.
When my children decapitate the family dog, Spot, and take turns having sex with it's bleeding carcass, who will be to blame? Not you I'm sure.
This is an obvious attempt to tear apart a moral family by the seams.
The children did confess as to feeling more "impure" after having the chips touch their skin.
I asked them to turn in for the night (even though it was only 3 PM) for their safety.
My husband also stated that the chips made him feel a little bisexual.
So, before I report this to my bridge club, I'd like to know why on Earth would you do this to the Johnson family?
What did we ever do to you?
What an awful, awful thing.
Beatice "Betty" Johnson.
Dear Ms Johnson.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us with your concerns.
We understand that this is a very serious situation, and wish to speak with you immediately.
Please call us at your earlist convienance at 1-800-352-**** and referrence #56429.
We understand that you're upset, and it sounds like you and your family have been through an ordeal that you believe Frito-Lays Corp might of intended to happen.
I can assure you this is not the case.
It should be noted that all bar codes are 10 digets long, have no dashes in them, and no Frito-Lay's products will begin with "42"
Please call ASAP.
Looking forward to speaking with you soon.
VP Consumer Affairs