Saturday morning I got a call from my friend Cheryl. She told me that a friend of her's that she work's with wants to try out for American Idol. She needs a video tape of her singing like an idiot, and was wondering if I would do the deed.
So I says "why not?" I got a video camera.
I remember a time when I thought a career in music was a sensible, and viable option. I'll let Father Time crush her dreams as it did mine.
So I go over to her place. She lives at the Colt Building in Hartford. An old gun factory that's been transformed into studio apartments for terminal artsy Faggots.
Yes I use to live there.
Anyways, I knock on the door. She answers and says "Hi, you must be Jon. I'm Ginny." She's a cute young thing, about 21. Obviously an airhead, but I knew that before she opened the door.
We started talking about this and that. She basically told me her life story. Her personal resume was pretty much what I figured. She has a 2 year old kid that doesn't live with her. "I'm an impatient parent" she said with a giggle. The child lives with her father's parents. "They're not happy that they have to take care of my kid, but what the fuck? It's better that she's raised by two parents. What am I suppose to do?"
I glanced over towards the window to see if the fall would indeed kill me.
We started talking about American Idol and what she wanted to sing. I made the mistake of asking her how long she's been singing. She told me a story about how one night she got "really drunk" and "came to the realization that music would be my life."
I glanced back towards the window.
She then said she needed to warm up before we began. She introduced her selection as "my theme song."
Anyone want to take a stab at what it was?
I was guessing "They're coming to take me away, haha!"
Her ~theme song~ as it turned out was "You outta' know" by Alanis Morissette.
I bit my lip to hold back a grin when she belted out the line "will she go down on you in - a theatah'..."
Her theme song, ladies and gentlemen.
So then it was showtime. I got out my camera and asked her where she wanted to shoot. She told me she was gonna' do "Natural Woman" and it would be "fun" to do it next to the window, as the opening line is "looking out my window..."
Richard Simmons popped in and said "THAT'S Fucking gay!"
After security removed Mr Simmons, we started filming. She began with her back to the camera looking out her window all during the verse part. When the chorus came up, she suddenly flung herslf around, wrist pressed against her forhead, wailing YOU MAKE ME FEEEEL!
It was hard holding the camera still, giggling like I was. Especially when she ended the song all flirty with the camera. Giving out coy smiles, and brushing her hand through her hair.
After take one I snapped "That's pathetic!" in an English accent, a la the Simon guy from the show. Unfortunately these elaborate jokes seemed to fly over her head like a 747. It took me 10 minutes to explain it to her, and that I actually didn't think she was "pathetic."
Of course she was though.
After 5 more takes we fianlly got it as right as we were gonna' get, so I started packing up. On my way out, she said "Cheryl tells me you play bass. I was thinking of putting together a backing band for me. Would you be interested?"
The laws of conversation clearly states that you have 5 seconds to answer a proposal before the person making the proposition should begin to take offense to your delay. Sadly I couldn't come up with a believable excuse in allotted time, and just offered the wimpy "ugh...no."
She said "Oh well, maybe after I'm famous you'll change your mind."
Yeah, I'll put in my two weeks notice right now.
Cheryl called me up the next day and said "dude, what's your problem?"
"What?" I replied.
She continued "Ginny said you told her she was pathetic."