Genghis Jon Reviews (and spoils) Freddy Vs Your Mother (I mean Jason)
Jason Vs Freddy sucked honky shit.
I'll get to that in a minute. I met my friend Kadrel at the theater and I decided to try something different. Do you know those machines where you can buy your movie tickets with your credit card? Well, everytime I go see a movie with my friend Sean, he always buys his tickets from here so he can buy tickets at the senior rate. I never do this because it would seem quite embarassing if I got caught. I figured it's only a matter of time.
Time and time again I pay the full fee of $9.00 or so, while Sean pays the $5 senior fee with the greatest of ease. All the while looking at me like I enjoy paying the extra money.
So last night I decided to go for it. I've seen Sean do this like 50 times and he hasn't gotten busted once. Not only that but there were no employees taking tickets in front of the enterance to the theaters. The only employee around was this doofy looking kid with a long permed hair.
So I get the senior tickets and me and Kadrel start making our way to the movie. Walking past El Permo, he asked, between selling tickets of his own, if he can see our tickets.
Handing him our stubs he stops what he's doing and inspects them as if he's trying to determine how many carrots are in a diamond ring.
After he's concluded his investigation, he reports to us that these are in fact SENIOR tickets, and sorta' implied that we were not seniors.
As you can imagine I was shocked. How in the world could I have mistakenly bought the cheaper senior tickets? I guess I wasn't paying attention or something. Silly me.
Inspector Perm didn't seemed ammused. Between selling tickets to good patrons who weren't trying to rip off a legitimate business trying to earn an honest living, he informed us to wait "here" while he tryed to reach his manager (and role model) on the phone.
Kadrel seemed a bit nervous at this point. It looked like he was expecting us to get led into a back room where they would be forced to put our hands on a table while they smash our fingers with a hammer, like in the movie "Casino."
The Perminator seemed unsuccessful in reaching The Big Guy. Which didn't surprise me, I mean somebody of that elevated status is probably doing all sorts of important things. For instance, overseeing the removal of shit off the walls in the men's room. Somebody like this can't be rung up at a moments notice.
Anyways, after several attempts the warrior of Truth and Virtue surrenders. Refusing the $6 I've been waiving in front of him the whole time that would have made up the difference. He informed us that without his manager's interference, adding the money would cause a discrepancy in the register. We shuddered. He then showed off that big brain of his.
"Here" he says while pushing the donation box for something in front of us. "Put the remaining money in here and we'll call it even."
It's a gawdamn shame this guy doesn't live in California, because that state needs a guy like this to run for governor.
So I insert the money and we go on our way. Before we get far we are given one final warning.
"If you guys leave the theater and try to get back in, you may not be able to get back in. I don't know what to tell you."
A bolt of fear ran through my body as I struggled to grab onto something. The thought of being stranded in the lobby, refused entry with my senior ticket while my clueless friend wonders on my whereabouts, comes out looking for me, and falls into the same trap. Refusal of re-entry due to the "senior" mark on the stud, when we are obviously a general admission.
I openly console with my friend as to whether it's worth the risk, and that I'd totally understand if he wasn't brave enough to move forth, that there's no shame in running away right then. "We'd still be men" I assured him.
After careful thought Kadrel said that he's lived this long, and he has nothing to lose.
We gave each other a brave smile and marched towards an uncertain road. A road that would either lead us to cinematic glory, or lobby-bound humiliation.
And just to clearify, we held no ill will towards the gentleman selling tickets. He did what he had to do to reach his dream in life as assistant overseer of fecal removal. Can't fault a guy for pursuing his dreams can you? People don't just pull people off the street and offer them a hearty $7.23 an hour job. You have to pay your dues to reach that plateau. This was understood by us, and our good thoughts are with him.
As for the movie, it started out with what appeared to be commercials. No, not previews to over produced crap that's coming out; that came later. These were actual commercials, like you would see on TV.
The first was a sob story showing union workers who work on movie sets for a living. No, not the actors. The little guys who walk around and nail things. Again, not the actors. I'm talking flannel wearing, construction guys and the like. The guys who build sets and find cocaine for the actors.
Anyways, these salt of the Earth fellows were telling us the wrongs of movie piracy, and how it jepordizes their livelyhood.
Over sad violin music they went on to say how they just wanted to earn an honest living. A tear swelled in my eye when I thought about the perm guy outside, and how my quest to save a few dollars took food out of his permed kids mouths.
The commercial was OK, but it would have been more effective if you didn't see the multi-trillionaire movie execs hiding behind the peons. It's easy to see who was paying for this. I wish they would just be honest and show the guys who are really worried about piracy. You know, have movie execs showing their pool, and the fur coat around their mistress, then pleading with the viewers on how he's just trying to live a gluttonous life, and how piracy keeps him from getting blowjobs from girls younger than his daughter. I think people would be surprised at how effective it would be if they just leveled with America instead of throwing these puppets at us.
To be honest I didn't even know you can download movies for free. I'm gonna' have to look into that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
The movie opens with some chick standing by a lake addressing a noise she hears in the shadows thinking it's her boyfriend. When the boyfriend doesn't respond, she does what any of us would do. Get naked and jump in the lake.
Once in the water she seems to really freak out. She gets out of the water and finds her boyfriend hacked to death with Jason lurking by.
Bet you'll never guess what happens to her then?
Run free and raise flying squirells for a living?
Starts playing hockey with him?
Run for governer or California?
If you guess "Gets hacked up into a million pieces at the very moment she thinks she may have gotten away" give yourself a pat on the back. You've got a PHD in crappy horror films.
A little later in the film Jason and Freddy start fighting (as the title leads us to believe) The result is absolute stupidity. When Godzilla Vs King Kong came out, that was something to see. As powerful as they both were, they could both die. Freddy and Jason both have a long, documented history showing in great detail how absolutley nothing in the universe can kill either of them. So when they start throwing punches at each other, you kinda get the feeling like you're gonna be there awhile.
I won't tell the ending, but let me just say that there's nothing more enjoyable then watching a film that comes to a satisfying conclusion. A recent trend that tries to milk the consumer with endless sequels that end with only a tease to the next movie instead of resolution to the story you painstakenly sat through, is not only not enjoyable but bad art, bad cinema, and bad business.
I'll give you three guesses how this 2 hour shitfest ended.
Anyways, yes, it is with a heavy heart that I report to you that Freddy Vs Jason was not the Greek tragedy that I had anticipated. It was more like a Polish tragedy. I suggest trying to retard yourself before seeing this. At the very least, make every attempt to pay the senior price.
PS, this is very important!!! A day after three of their friends got hacked to death by a myserious figure, the kids that survived (including one of the dearly departed's girlfriend) went to a rave in a cornfield the very next day. How's that for mourning? Sorry I had to thow this bit in after the fact, but everyone should know how idiotic they're expected to be before seeing this movie.