Pirates.....the slilent enemy.
So after getting bombed 24/7 by the U.S., the Taliban (Hey Mr. Taliban, talley me banana, Mon!)came out with this big stinking press conference saying "We will not confine bin Ladin no more!"
Ooooo, not that! They've been doing such a wonderful job at that so far...
Now, like my father always said "If you can't trust the Taliban, you can't trust NOBODY!"
So while our boys are flying over the womb of terrorsts, dropping bombs on anything that isn't sand..the taliban retaliates by saying "OK, now you really piss us off! We now unshackle bin Ladin. You very bad man!"
If you ask me, this is all a diversion to get the focus off the real enemy.
That's right gang......pirates!
There's nothing more I hate than pirates. I mean, with their patched eyes, and hook for a hand...
Fucking pirates....they're the REAL enemy.
And just look at how little attention the pirates get on the national media. I DARE YOU to find any news on the immediate pirate threat in any reputable media source.
You won't find anything because the media's in on it too. The pirates got the media in their pirate back pockets!
I thought I would take matters into my own hand and give a call to one of the so
called "reputable" newspapers, The New York Times has had the respect of the populace for over 10 centuries.
Here's what happened...
GJ- "Hello, is this the NY Times?"
NYT- "Yes, how may I help you today?"
GJ- "Hi, my name is Genghis Jon and I was calling inquiring about a serious threat to our government that is being ignored by your newspaper.
NYT- "And what would that be sir?"
GJ- "Are you saying you DON'T know?"
NYT- "Ummmm......I'm afraid not...."
GJ- "Sure you don't pal, well the threat I speak of is pirates. I've failed to see any mentions of pirates in your news.
NYT- "Um....did you say pirates sir?"
GJ- "So you admit you're aware of them!"
NYT- "Ugh....you're wondering why we don't run any stories on pirates?"
GJ- "I'm wondering why for the past 500 years, pirates were the biggest threat to civilization. And up until very recently, they've seemed to just dissapear. Have they been wiped off the face of the Earth, sir? Is that what you're telling us....or have they gone underground with the help and distraction of the media? (GJ scrunches face and raises eyebrows.)
GJ- "And while you're choking on that, let me give you something else to chew on, punk! The favorite toy of all the rich and powerful is what? A boat perhaps? Very good. Now, what kind of boat do these rich and powerful have? A small boat? A rowboat? Help me out here sir....what kind of boats do these people get? I just don't know? I'm stuck!
NYT- "A large boat sir?"
GJ-You're Gawdamn right, a large boat! Yachts! The 21st century pirate ships! The world is being run by these modern day yuppy pirates, and you're looking the other way! Or....maybe you're in on it too sir? Or should I say........matey?
NYT- (*Sigh) "Sirrr..."
GJ- "ADMIT IT!"
NYT- "Sir, really...."
GJ- "ADMIT IT, REDBEARD!
NYT- "ARRR...Oright', I admit it matey! But if you tink' dat' yer gonna' stop us, you little swashbuckler, den' yer' kiddin' yerself! You'll be hearing from us real soon, matey....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!!!!!!
*Phone goes dead...
Looks like we have some serious days ahead, but luckily GJ has got some tips on how you can "pirate-proof" yourselves...
1) Don't go near the ocean. Pirates are extremely limited by their dependencey on the ocean.
2) When a stranger pulls up in a van and offers you a lift....ask to see both hands. If one of his hands is actually a hook....don't go!
3) Make sure your only valuables are really large and heavy! Pirates love to bury things. If your stuff is too heavy for them to bury, they may not take your stuff. (They will still probably kill you and burn your house though...)
4) When out dancing at a club, if you happen to say to someone "shake yo' booty!", and they reply by pulling out a bag filled with gold coins and jiggling it.....run away!
5) Left handed people are pirates. Kill them!
6) Make sure the people you associate with have both feet. A good place to do this would be at a gym. Most people wouldn't be offended in the slightest if you asked to check their feet. If you find upon inspection, that said person has a wooden pole for a leg....be it known you've been jazzercising with a pirate!
7) If you're talking with a fellow about politics, and they use lingo like "I hate Osama bin Ladin! If I get my hands on him, I'd make him walk the plank!" That's a pirate.
8) If you're carpooling with someone to work, and upon seeing your destination one of the passengers yells "AHOY!" You have a pirate on board.
9) If you see someone walking around in your backyard with a shovel and a map.....pirate!
10) If your at a bar, and you see someone drinking out of a jug that reads "xxx", pirate!