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Torturing young musicians for no good reason.

Band out of Hartford needs guitar player pronto! Just signed a 5 record deal with Sony Music Corp. Must be willing to tour!!!!! Will be leaving for European tour in early January, after that we will be touring North America and beyond. We expect to be doing very little other than touring in 2002/2003 so if you have doubts about that please don't waste our time. Hoping to have spot filled by early Nov. Our songs are NOT that difficult, if you know your way around the guitar, that's good enough. Not looking for Steve Vai. We're more interested in someone that can handle the touring life. Our album is already finished, you'll be coming on doing videos (to be shot in December) touring, playing festivals, ect. If you even have the slightest doubt, PLEASE, don't respond. All others email me ASAP and we'll talk.



Hi All, I'm a guitarist that lives in Shelton, CT. I've been playing for about 20 years. I've been a few bands (originals, covers), but not anything serious.

My influences include Jimmy Page, Randy Rhodes, and Mike McCready (more Mad Season than Pearl Jam). I'm interested in finding out more about your band. Sounds like you have a heck of a situation! You can email me back ( or call the following numbers:

work: (203)846-xxxx

home: (203)225-xxxx

I hope to talk to you soon. Thanks!



Hi Edward.

I thought everyone from Shelton were dickwads? Anyways, thanks for writing. Yes, we have a great situation indeed. We spent the weekend trying out guitarists and still haven't found "the one."

We had some great players. One guy blew our heads off, but each one came up short when we asked what

they were willing to do. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions before we set up audition. Hopefully you're the one, auditioning guitarists are driving me nuts.

Please write back ASAP



Hi Dave,

Sure, fire away. You can ask me over email or call me here at work. I've got a couple questions for you as well. I'll be around at least until 5 . . .Thanks for writing back!


I'm talking to 3 of you right now and would prefer to do this via email if that's alright.

Let me start by answering the questions that I'm sure you;ll ask me. 1) No you may not bring your gay lover on tour. 2) No you may not have a cash advance. 3) Yes, people from Shelton really are dickwads. Pleastantries aside, as I've stated before, we're looking for someone to fill in the position for full time member of the band, sharing all the responsibility along with royalty. The position will require you to sign a contract with Sony Music Inc. If/when we proceed with inducting you into the band, you'll receive a copy (You'll need a lawyer as well, trust me. The fucking thing is like 90 pages.) But I want to brief you on what it says basicly and see if you're up for it. It's for 5 records, we'd have to give them 5 records no matter how much we hate each other years to come. If we don't, they'll sue the piss out of us.

It goes way beyond that, but the basic question is, can you marry the band for the next 10 years?

Another very important question is, what are you willing to do on stage? Is there a point you won't cross? Do you have any religious convictions that may limit your behavior? Have you been on a long tour before? Do you have any problem going on tour for 1-2 years at a time, maybe only going home 4 times a year at most. I'm sorry, but it's best that I do not disclose the name of the band at this point. If all goes well, I'll let the cat out of the bag, but not now.

I'm not looking for a guitarist as much a marine.

But I am in a MAJOR hurry, so if we can continue this email dialog...the sooner the better.



Hi Dave, I have no problem with signing a contract for 5 records. And as far as hating each other well . . . that's always probable . . . but some of the best music occurs during tense times. I'm all about making this work and will be fully committed. I'd do just about anything on stage (except for various G.G. Allen antics/eating my own shit, punching our fans in the face during a performance, etc.). I don't have any religious convictions . . . I'm more spiritual than religious. I am married, but my girl is super cool and supportive. I've never been on a long tour before. I had a job out of college where I traveled the US for 2 years, so I'm used to that. I hope this helps. Let me know what you're thinking. You've answered most of my questions, but one lingers . . . what type of music do you perform? ~Edward


Thanks for writing back so quickly.

I appreciate that.

OK, so we're not GG Allen, don't worry about that.

But I do need to clue you in on a couple of stipulations that were required for us to get a deal with Sony. These WILL be in the contract that you sign, so you must be willing to go all the way. If you sign their document and then pull back, Sony will put their logo on

your nuts! So let me know what you're made of...

Will you wear a dress? Will you fake your own death? Will you pretend that you're from France, and talk with an accent? Will you declare your support for the Taliban in a national interview?

Would you do a publicty stunt that might get you imprisoned for a short while? Would you pretend to be a drug addict? Hope to hear from you soon.



Hi Dave, I'd wear a dress. Lord knows I've got the legs for it. Fake my own death? - Sure "Ed is Dead" has a nice ring to it. Will you pretend that you're from France, and talk with an accent? - Sounds Fun. Will you declare your support for the Taliban on a national interview? -Hell yeah! Would you do a publicity stunt that might get you imprisoned for a short while? - Sure, It's not like I've never been in jail before ;) Would you pretend to be a drug addict? - I pretend to be one now. I'm jettin' from work right now so we won't be able to converse with this email address. You can reach me I'll check that when I get home and we'll take it from there . . . or we can continue from this address tomorrow am . . . .



Hi Edward. I'm sorry to say but you failed the test miserabley. The name of the group is called "The American Heroes." We're a rock group that pays tribute to everyday heroes like policemen, firemen, and metermaids. We got a record deal with Sony after the Sept 11th tragedy, mainly because we were paying tribute to American heroes long before this recent fad, so we have credibility. We really needed a guitar player with likeminded credibility. Someone that has moral integrity. In other words, not you. That's pretty fudged up how you'd support the Taliban! Do you understand that they're "evil doers"? C'mon, and pretending that you're French? That's just sick. Sorry things didn't work out. Say hi to Osama for me.......commie!



Well, I wish I could say the same about being sorry things didn't work out. Personnally, you guys sound like a bunch of pussies. I'll be looking for you on the Disney Channell.



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