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Left Behind (My IQ)

So I was over my dad's house a little while ago to pick up some stuff for free.

Me and him have an arrangement. See, I go over to his house, see something I like, take it, have him try to stop me, swear I'll return it the next day, and keep it forever.

The old sucker. Does he actually think he can stop me? ME????? HA! he's lucky I don't throw him in a home and take all his stuff.

So while I'm cleaning him out, his girlfriend comes over and offers to lend me one of their videos.

This one in paticular is called "Left Behind".

I was familiar with the title. I worked at a bookstore years before and remember folks going gaga over this shit. I knew it was about Revelations from that other popular religious book.

I thanked her for offering this to me. I thought it was a very nice jesture. "But isn't this movie complete shit?" I humbly inquired.

She assured me it was "surprisingly good."

Not that I know my dad's ho all that well, but she doesn't seem like a religious weirdo to me. With all the screwing a married man and all, ya know?

Anyways I took the video home and put it right to work as a door stopper.

Not that I was dead set agianst the film. But it did star Kirk Cameron, who, coincidently I voted celebrity I'd most like to wipe my ass with their face.

So every week I'd get a call from my dad's bitch asking me what I thought of the movie. I replied "Well, let's just say it's not left behind holding my door open."

It was after many phone calls where I recalled one moment with her that confirmed my suspicion that she was a religious wacko.

I remember a time when me and her were talking about her little neice and what movies she watched with her.

I mentioned something about seeing Harry Potter, and suggesting that she check it out.

She made a quick comment about the movie promoting witchcraft.


I confusingly looked over at my dad, who bashfully looked away.

Imagine that. Little Harry Potter promoting witchcraft. For shame!

Anyways, I had about as much interest in watching this movie as seeing the sequel to Caddy Shack.

Besides, it was working marvelously as a door stopper. Why would I want to push it's value?

I did give in one day when I was home sick and there was nothing on TV besides assholes trying to putt a ball into a hole.

Luckily I fell asleep almost immediately after returning to the couch from the VCR.

When I awoke from my nap, I had all sorts of disturbing dialogue running around in my head.

Things like "Where did all these people go? We're on a plane for chrissakes!"

So with all that propaganda running around in my head, I felt it necessary to see the film.

The day finally came when I had a bunch of people over. Someone suggested renting a movie. I was like "Rent? No,no,no...Jon's got your movie right here motherfucker!" To which I wipped out....

Reminding the whining bastards who's house it was, we began the film.

First, when you see a movie and are out of breath laughing before the previews are even done, you know it's gonna' be one hell of a movie.

See, Left Behind is distributed from a company called Cloud 10 Pictures which specializes in Christ-u-tainment.

That is, movies disguised to seem just plain old entertraining....but with a strong religious message hidden underneath all that fun.

And they're as cheesy as you can imagine.

I'm talking Mr T cheesy, who appears in one of these films.

During the preview, they showed a scene of him saying "The world don't belong to Gawd' anymore! It belong to the devil!"

To which we added "Sucka!" and "I pity the fool that worships the devil!"

So after the previews, right before the movie starts, we see a picture of the star, Kirk Cameron

with an annoucer's voice urging us to "be sure to stay tuned after the movie for a special message from Kirk Cameron"


And you expect me to wait until then end of the movie???

Not bloody likely.

So like any guy with too much time on his hands, I fast forward to the end of the movie for the "Special Message" all the while wondering what it is.

Does he think I'm cute?

Does he want my number?


So I finally reach the end, and with bated breath I begin Kirk Cameron's special message.

So he starts talking about the movie, he hoped I enjoyed it, blah, blah.

He then goes on and talks about how with the marketing of this film, they thought they'd do something different.

See, the plan was for them to release the movie on video FIRST, THEN a few months later release it on the big screen.

Sounded perfectly logical to me. Yet, he felt the need to explain.

According to Kirk Cameron, by releasing it in video first, the word would get out on the street. Then by the time it came out in the theaters, it would break all box office records, everywhere, ever!!

That, according to Kirk Cameron, would send a "strong message" to Hollywood that people do want these types of movies to be made. And before you know it, every movie will now scare you into thinking you'll spend eternity in Hell. YAAAAY!!!!!

So, sadly to say Kirk's special message kinda' ruined it for me, and I didn't have the desire to watch the movie anymore.

That's what you get for eating the dessert before the meal, eh?

Maybe I'll get around to watching it one of these adys, but not likely.

Nothing against religion, or Chritianity or whatever. It's just the thought of these propaganda films trying to pass as valid entertainment is what I take issue with.

Filthy trixsters.

Either way, I'd love to see a porn spin off of this.

Hey, they wouldn't even have to change the name!


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