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Polar Pricks

First, I want to thank everybody for correcting me on yesterday's entry. It appears, not only are there no polar bears in the south pole, but it's pretty upsetting to the lot of you to imply that there are.

Your steadfast reluctance to accept my attempt of placing various members of the animal kingdom anywhere on the globe I damn well please is a well-learned lesson that I won't soon forget. Bravo.

Because of your just crusade, I'm happy to report that my planned entry for today on Alaskan camels has been postponed indefinitely.

I want you all to take comfort in knowing that I've been excommunicated from the church, and my roommate has cast me out into exile. Rejoice!


Have you guys heard about the latest music sensation out of Russia called Tatu?

I saw these commie sluts last night on the Jimmy Kimmel show, and the night before that on the Jay Leno show.

English hasn't birthed a word to describe how incredibley terrible this act is.

Their "story" is that they're a couple of hot lesbians that can't help but to kiss/rub up against each other while on stage.

The problem is, is that when they show affection to each other (usually during guitar solos) the act seems to be a tad contrived. A tad unnatural.

It's kinda' like their manager Boris is screaming at them from the side of the stage "Keiss' her! Keiss' her I say! Keiss' her or I'll send you back to that orphanage in Russia where I found you begging me for potato!"

And between making out under threat of returning to their frozen wasteland of a country, they sing about the hardships of an unaccepting world that refuses to acknowledge their type of love as normal, or right.

I'm sure it's Ol' Boris that's penning the lyrics, these gals don't strike me as the literary type if you catch my drift.

Anyways, it's really depressing when you think about it. I've seen so many unsigned, independant bands that have so much talent you just want to strangle them. But they can't get a record deal because the industry spends all their money on novelty acts like these.

At best, they are a flavor-of-the-week type of act that has no love of music and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a stage without a stipper's pole included.

At worst they're two very young girls that are being manipulated by a bunch of greedy bastards hoping to make a lot of money at their expense before chucking them into the garbage.

Either way they're an insult to your intelligence, and a disgrace to all women in general, especialy real lesbians who's sexuality isn't about male fantasy.

That's said, they're my FAVORITE FUCKING BAND IN THE UNIVERSE! I mean, c'mon! Real lesbians making out on stage? What's there not to fucking love? Sorry Stone Roses, you've been pushed down a notch.


I'd like to buy Tatu some Freedom Fries. Just to see where they stand. If they melt after eating them, we know they're commies.


How the fuck do you pissheads know for sure they're no polar bears in the South Pole? I bet not one of you have ever fucking been there. The place could be swarming with them.


And I'm sorry to report that the last man who's able to be friendly to children without being called a pedophile has moved to the Great Neighborhood in the sky.

Mr. Rogers passed away at the age of 74 from cancer. Is that sad or what?

I just want to say to the man, if he's reading this diary from above, that I'm sure I speak for a lot of people when I say that....I'll be your neighbor, man. We'll all be.......your......neighbor.

(*Begins to weep as diary fades to black)


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